Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

Also option C - no contact for an abusive shyster like her. Go totally NC!

With care, are you very young still? We’re very conditioned to abide by parents rules even when we are old enough to to know better and realise we are being manipulated etc
No, she cannot behave this way and expect to see your son
If you’ve been arguing online, with his family :it’s not for you, just don’t speak to them.

If she threatens you in any way again, you must warn her you’ll be seeking a restraining order of you don’t phone the police first
Often, these people are so used to acting this way that they expect it always to be facilitated
It’s up to your DP, If he chooses to remain in contact with her, but yourself and child don’t need to be involved.
If she is able to apologise, and providing you don’t inflame the situation further but lowering yourself to her level , you can assess how she treats your DP with the view to establishing contact if you see fit, in the future.
Best of luck. Don’t let her lessen your enjoyment

Your DH should be able to look after your DS for a few hours without you - in fact, if he doesn't see your DS for more than a few hours a day at the moment it would be a really good idea for him to be doing that.

But your MiL is toxic - to you, to your DP and, by extension at this point, to your DS - and there is no way on earth I'd be facilitating that contact. I wouldn't be driving DP and DS to see her and going into the house or waiting around and I wouldn't be hosting her at my house. If DP wants to see her he will need to arrange it by himself without DS.

I really don't think you'd be helping your DP if you encourage him to capitulate to his mother by agreeing to drive there, whether you stay or not. I also think it's damaging for you and for your relationship to act as though what his MiL has done isn't beyond the pale. And it will be damaging for your DS and your relationship with him if your MiL is allowed access to him as he grows up - because there's no way she isn't going to talk shit about you in front of your DS, is there?

Tell DP he will need to make other arrangements if he really wants to see his mother but that you don't think your DS should be around someone who speaks about you that way. Hopefully it will be enough of an impediment that he stops trying to pretend this can work.

I’ve been/still am in a very similar situation OP. I had a massive falling out with my BIL a few years back due to the disgusting way he speaks to/treats people and a particular accusation he made about me that was not true. We were very very nasty to each other and I had no problem telling him exactly what I thought of him, nothing but a wannabe hard man who tries to intimidate and control everybody around him. My DP cannot stand him and hasn’t seen him as a brother since they were young kids. MIL is brainwashed by him, bows down to his every demand and cannot see any wrong in him whatsoever which has always pissed my DP off. Like your SIL he runs to MIL with everything like a little kid and I had nothing but abuse from her when it happened. Banned me from her house, told everyone I was vile and that I was keeping my DP away from her because he wasn’t interested in seeing her or BIL which of course was my fault.

Now I’m 5 weeks away from giving birth and there’s a lot of demand from her to see the baby under her terms, she’s cutting down her hours in work to have him one day a week and has said she will be taking him out regularly and I can’t do anything about it because it’ll be her grandchild . I’ve made it quite clear to her that if she wants to see the baby it’s on my terms, the baby doesn’t leave this house without me and I will not be leaving the baby with her at her house for numerous reasons (total lack of awareness and clumsiness from her, BIL is there all the time and my DP and I have agreed already he will not be around our child and not to mention the abuse and torment caused by her).

At the end of the day, he is your son. You will not be overruled by your MIL or anybody else. Tell her you either see him with me or not at all.

Work on getting counselling for your poor DP and cut this vile toxic woman out of your lives.

For the time being if she wants to see DS she comes to your house. I certainly wouldn't be driving your precious tiny baby to Shithole Central.

Plan Z

Oh YANBU !!! Hell no, you are not! This MIL of yours is no good and you need to protect your DC from her and that means keeping her away from DC and not letting DC go to her house without you! Or even with you! It sounds horrendous and so does she!
It concerns me that your DP even keeps in contact with her in the light of how overtly abusive she is. Does he find it hard to keep away from her or to set boundaries with her? It could be that he's been well-trained by her to accept abuse and is still in the F.O.G ( Fear. Obligation. Guilt.). He needs to be firm with her and tell her that she cannot speak to him nor you like that, your DC is not being made be away from his mother whilst you are BFing and that ye are NOT going to put up with her shitty behaviour nor threats anymore. If he won't do that for some reason, you need to have a long talk with him about it all because her behaviour is absolutely abusive and unacceptable and, if she's abusive to you and your DP, she will most likely be abusive to your DC too! She's showing herself to be utterly callous when your DC is distressed, isn't she? What a heartless woman! I'm so sorry OP!
Have a long talk with your DP about it all and reinforce to him that he MUST protect both you and especially your DC from his abusive mother, it's his duty TBH, but try to be understanding if he's still in the FOG because he's going to find it very difficult to do. This is a horrible situation OP, I wish ye all the best!

I wouldnt facilitate any of it. If youre the only one that drives then thats too bad and they should have thought of that. Id cut contact and if your dp really wants to see his mum with the baby he will have to find a way.
Theres no way you should be expected to be involved with or go out of your way for any of those toxic fuckers

Well done, OP for reading through the comments and thinking through this wretched situation.

Best wishes for a good outcome for you, your DP and DS.

What good will she possibly bring to your son's life? You owe her nothing.

So what if she’s the paternal grandma, she has no legal rights to access to your child, even if you were married to your DP.

Cut contact completely and don’t allow her to see your darling baby ever. She can fizz until the cows come home but why would you contemplate for a second your precious boy having that vile woman in his life when she treats you, his parents so appallingly?

Walk away from her and never look back.

Just to add to the chorus of people saying DO NOT facilitate any contact with her, irrespective of location or time or travel arrangements or whatever. She has demonstrated that she is aggressive, volatile, abusive and downright nasty. She has already fucked up her son, your DH, to the extent that he meekly accepts abusive behaviour and can’t cut ties with her. Why on earth would you want to give her the opportunity to do the same to your child??

No one has the right to stay in your life if they bring you fear, stress, harm and misery, regardless of mere biology. People have to earn their place in your life by bringing something positive.

My vote is your son doesn't see this witch at all !

My DH was the unwanted, bullied, belittled child in their family. MIL once told me that she didn't bond with him until he was 4 yo --the family counsellor said she never bonded with him - DH has a strange sideways flick to his eyes where he can't maintain contact if he's uncomfortable which she said is a sign of a child who didn't dare look for approval.

I went NC after her nastiness towards me. DH and DDs went LC, right up until she started on my 9yo with her nastiness. Leopards do not change their spots, and bullies find new victims.

I think you need to consider the future wellbeing of your DC. What positives do you think MIL can bring to their lives. If you do facilitate any relationship you need cast-iron boundaries, something your DP may not be able to provide after years of being conditioned. Obviously I have my bias, but my MIL became much nastier to me after I had DC, when I was tired and run down from interrupted sleep etc. - when I was more vulnerable and with shifting boundaries.

Never second guess your instincts with your child.

I would just say no End of She is toxic

Don't contact her and don't take him.
She can come to your house.
Just stop engaging with her.

If you husband wants to take your son then he should stay there. No sleepovers and no unsupervised contact.

Please please get your whole family away from this spiteful maniac. She will poison your ds if you give her half a chance. Good luck OP

No way I’d be allowing him to take the baby to hers. I think you need to sound reasonable, so that it’s natural and inevitable that you lose contact and it’s her fault. Allow her to come over every now and again to visit the baby, with you both present. She either won’t bother, or won’t come often. You guys just get on with your lives and minimise contact with her and SIL as they sound like too much work to bother about

If she doesnt like you, and she doesnt care about your dh, then how long till she gets bored with your child and then discards him

Secret option 3 - dp should block her and ignore her. I'm aware that's easier said than done, but if she's regularly being abusive and threatening WHY would you facilitate a relationship with her? Put her in a communication time out!

I'm not voting because both your answers are bonkers. Why on earth would you be involved with this nasty woman at all. Of course your baby is your first priority and that's quite right. As and when your baby has grown up that little bit more and you and DP feel comfortable with this, then maybe DP might take his kid to visit his mum, IF she's capable of being civil to all concerned. But you providing chauffeur services, or entering her home in order to be insulted and belittled? Fuck that. Have some self-respect and don't expose yourself to any of that. And if DPs mum starts badmouthing you within earshot of your child then all contact stops, for the protection of your child from that harmful vitriol. Understanding starts a lot sooner than speech so that nastiness about you is totally unacceptable even if you aren't there.

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

This sums up what I was about to say.

Why would you want your child to be anywhere near the obnoxious woman!
Definitely option C, no contact. Not a snowball's chance in hell.

but he wants to stay completely out of it.

Tough luck for your DP. It’s on him to buffer you and his baby from this nonsense. I hope he finds it in himself to cut contact at least for a while. She sounds awful.

Grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren, but they do have the right to make a court application in order ti obtain access to their grandchildren. Do you think she is capable of that?
I'm not saying she would succeed, but it would be expensive and stressful for you.

On the off chance she would make a court application, id get DH to send her an offer in writing to attend family counseling with you. She won't go, of course, and then this will be good evidence that she is unreasonable and not genuine about doing the best thing for your baby.

You could also offer to meet her in a public place twice a year. Again, only to doom her court application.

Absolutely stop these visits to her home. That's outrageous and you shouldn't entertain it.

@Ivyonafence

Grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren, but they do have the right to make a court application in order ti obtain access to their grandchildren. Do you think she is capable of that? I'm not saying she would succeed, but it would be expensive and stressful for you.

On the off chance she would make a court application, id get DH to send her an offer in writing to attend family counseling with you. She won't go, of course, and then this will be good evidence that she is unreasonable and not genuine about doing the best thing for your baby.

You could also offer to meet her in a public place twice a year. Again, only to doom her court application.

Absolutely stop these visits to her home. That's outrageous and you shouldn't entertain it.

No court in the land would award her contact. Contact for grandparents is only ordered when there's a clear benefit for the child, if for example the grandparents were very involved and due to marriage breakdown or similar, that contact completely stopped. Please don't try to scare the op.