Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

337 replies

DonnyBurrito · 15/02/2022 17:17

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 17/02/2022 21:43

@DonnyBurrito

I've decided to speak to a solicitor on how best to proceed. I'm terrified she will be able to apply for unsupervised contact one day, and I don't want to do anything now that helps her later.

Will update if anything useful for anyone else in a similar situation comes up when I speak to them.

She is a grandmother. She has no right to access.

She can scream all she likes. She has no right to it.

Topseyt · 17/02/2022 22:15

@DonnyBurrito

I've decided to speak to a solicitor on how best to proceed. I'm terrified she will be able to apply for unsupervised contact one day, and I don't want to do anything now that helps her later.

Will update if anything useful for anyone else in a similar situation comes up when I speak to them.

You are wasting your time and money. Grandparents have no legal right to access.

Still, I hope it reassures you.

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 17/02/2022 22:16

I read they can apply for 'leave of court' which, if it gets approved, can lead to them being able to apply for a contact order...

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 17/02/2022 22:23

@DonnyBurrito

I read they can apply for 'leave of court' which, if it gets approved, can lead to them being able to apply for a contact order...
Extremely unlikely in your case.

They have no automatic right.
They have to demonstrate they have tried to mediate.
And i would suggest that harassment and abuse on her part is unlikely to endere a judge.

There is no reason to suggest that harm will come to your child from not seeing their grandmother.

Its a buff to intimidate and control you. Call it.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 17/02/2022 22:27

@DonnyBurrito

I've decided to speak to a solicitor on how best to proceed. I'm terrified she will be able to apply for unsupervised contact one day, and I don't want to do anything now that helps her later.

Will update if anything useful for anyone else in a similar situation comes up when I speak to them.

Op she has no rights to have access to your baby especially as she's being abusive and threatening towards you and your DP and should it get to court playing the abusive voice messages will fuck her case right up no judge will order a baby to be separated from it's mother unless the mother is unable to cope or a proven risk to the child which clearly isn't the case here.

Stop facilitating a relationship with her and your son OP because once he's older she'll pour her venom into his ears and that's very damaging for a child believe me. Look at the examples of how she treats her own son, for fuck sake why would you put your baby boy at risk of the same abusive upbringing that your DP has gone through at her hands! She's proven to you that all she's interested in is everything being done on her terms and she can't be trusted around any of you. She sees your baby as a weapon for her to use against you not a young baby that needs his mother. Her demands about you dropping DP and DS to hers and you being banned from her house and sodding off is to show you she can control you all and separate you from your baby if she wishes to do so.

Back right off OP go no contact with her and don't allow her near your son whether you're there to supervise or its in your house or hers don't do it because its all about her having the control and keeping you in your place.

Also I'd report her to the police for her threats because frankly she sounds unhinged and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her! Stand firm and don't budge an inch because she'll take 10 miles. Don't respond when/if she sends other family members to pressure you she's using them as her flying monkey's to do her dirty work. I hope you manage to sort it OP best of luck Flowers

BakedTattie · 17/02/2022 22:36

Nah, she has no rights.

Tell her to get tae fuck.

KERALA1 · 17/02/2022 22:52

She hasn't got rights but important you don't let her build up any sort of relationship with your son both for his well being and so she can't argue she has any sort of positive ongoing relationship with him that you have stopped.

Also has she got the funds or stomach to actually go to court?!

Cherrysoup · 17/02/2022 23:08

Given she has no history of childcare, she is unlikely to be granted contact time. Do you think she will attempt this? I think I would just cut contact.

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2022 23:29

@DonnyBurrito

I read they can apply for 'leave of court' which, if it gets approved, can lead to them being able to apply for a contact order...
She's done no childcare or been materially involved in your child's life. She stands no chance.

I've had lots to do in terms of childcare with my DGC, and god forbid, family relationships with my children went south, I don't think I'd have any grounds to apply.

Please don't worry.

WallaceinAnderland · 18/02/2022 11:43

What I would recommend you do OP, is to make a will naming the person(s) you would like as guardian of your child should you and your partner die. Otherwise care can go to a grandparent. I did this when mine were very young as I needed to protect them.

nozbottheblue · 06/03/2022 14:12

How are things now with your little family and lovely baby, OP?
Hope the earlier stresses have eased. x

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 00:52

nozbottheblue · 06/03/2022 14:12

How are things now with your little family and lovely baby, OP?
Hope the earlier stresses have eased. x

Hi, I'm sorry to have missed this. Very kind of you to check back in. Earlier stresses have eased somewhat now, although things got worse last month and I ended up asking DP to leave for a few weeks as I found out he had been joining in with SIL badmouthing me over everything! I was furious with him, however he is back now after promising to reassess how he responds to his family. I still have had no contact with PIL/SIL, and DP has had to step up and start to defend me when their maliciousness has got back to me through the grapevine. DS has visited them once for 2 hours very recently as my partner insisted upon it. I'm not thrilled by it but it's a small amount if time to spend with them and I feel like I can't really stop my sons dad from taking him where he wants. I wish I could but I also don't want to weaponise DS. I still worry about the future but at the moment, they are relative strangers to DS and will remain that way for as long as possible.

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 23/05/2022 01:08

DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 00:52

Hi, I'm sorry to have missed this. Very kind of you to check back in. Earlier stresses have eased somewhat now, although things got worse last month and I ended up asking DP to leave for a few weeks as I found out he had been joining in with SIL badmouthing me over everything! I was furious with him, however he is back now after promising to reassess how he responds to his family. I still have had no contact with PIL/SIL, and DP has had to step up and start to defend me when their maliciousness has got back to me through the grapevine. DS has visited them once for 2 hours very recently as my partner insisted upon it. I'm not thrilled by it but it's a small amount if time to spend with them and I feel like I can't really stop my sons dad from taking him where he wants. I wish I could but I also don't want to weaponise DS. I still worry about the future but at the moment, they are relative strangers to DS and will remain that way for as long as possible.

Show quote history

Your DP doesn’t sound like much of a partner, OP. He was badmouthing you with his sister and ‘insisted’ on taking your child to the home of someone who abuses you.

Why are you with this man?

PinkSyCo · 23/05/2022 04:01

There’s no way I would be bringing my baby to visit someone who had threatened me, and I would be hoping that my DH would be in agreement of that. Your MIL sounds absolutely awful. Keep your child away from her, or at least stand up for yourself and allow any (short) contact on your terms only.

PinkSyCo · 23/05/2022 04:04

Oh I have just read your update. That’s not good OP. I’m not sure I could forgive my partner for that.

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/05/2022 04:55

In a nutshell, this is how you sort it:

  1. stop picking up the phone and block their numbers

  2. but before you do, tell both of them not to contact you ever again (in writing) so you can get from the police if they get nasty.

They are no longer your dear husband’s family, the link is broken, do not feel you have to put up with nasty behaviour because they are “family”. they no longer are. Neither do you have to facilitate contact between them and your son, they can have contact when DS is with their dad (if he has stopped contact with him, though!)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/05/2022 04:57

Sorry to read that your partner has been participating in the toxicity against you!

I think that you should cut all contact with your ILs, and let your partner facilitate any contact - now baby is older, it should be easier for a little while, but when he gets up and running, it sounds like it's not going to be very safe for him, so you might have to re-assess whether he goes to your partner's mother's house. The alternative is that they meet at a park, or café, or similar - there is no need at all for your baby to go to her house.

Zonder · 23/05/2022 06:48

DP is a victim of abuse and needs help to see this, and to extricate himself. Encourage him again with the counseling. It can take ages (you mentioned earlier that you didn't know why work based counseling was taking so long - normal in my experience). Look for a recommendation of a private counselor if you can afford it.

Most of all I would speak to him again about not taking DS there. Him doing this is prioritising her needs/wants over those of your baby. I hope you can help him see this.

pantsandpringles · 23/05/2022 06:50

Neither! My choice would be:

"eh, naw. Off ye fuck, granny"

BusyMum47 · 23/05/2022 06:51

YoComoManzanas · 15/02/2022 17:20

Um, grandparents have no rights to see their grandchildren. Does your dh actually want to do this or is he just in the mindset that you are meant to spend time with family even if they are abusive?
Perhaps some therapy for your dh to free him of this manipulative behavior.
Ps stop sending your baby off to this madness.

100% this!⬆️ Don't let your son anywhere near this psycho! Just no. End of.

iex · 23/05/2022 06:56

DonnyBurrito · 17/02/2022 22:16

I read they can apply for 'leave of court' which, if it gets approved, can lead to them being able to apply for a contact order...

Unlikely - especially if you keep the voicenotes

EurovisionTragic · 23/05/2022 07:00

we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old\

Also, what the F has your DS got anything to do with your SIL?

Why is your SIL allowed to have a say in what goes on in your household?

In addition to "No", I have found the words "go on then" to be equally effective.

I used to have an aggressive MIL who pulled similar crap. I've used it on her a few times only to find that she is all hot air and no oomph. They bark louder than they bite. I say "used" as she is still around but has absolutely no power over me and my DC whatsoever. Even my DC openly say no to her now.

londonrach · 23/05/2022 07:05

Report her threats to the police so you a record and start the process to get a restraining order. Anything else be daft. Re dropping your baby off at hers..no no no. Yanbu

AllyCatTown · 23/05/2022 07:26

I saw your update. Your partner was bad mouthing you along with his family? They sound so toxic and nasty. I guess though like you say it’s difficult if your partner takes your son to theirs. Best of luck for the future

MzHz · 23/05/2022 07:37

TurquoiseDragon · 15/02/2022 17:21

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

Me to.

option c

Fuck that shit.

life is too short to allow others to bully you and still get away with it.