Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

Your son is six months old so any visits are just for your MIL's benefit. And since she has been vile I think you are off the hook here...

I am really confused as to why you would expose your DS to this violent woman. Whether she is his grandmother or not is irrelevant, violence has no place around children.

@DonnyBurrito
God this woman is horrendous.
I would be NC forever with this type. As pp have said she adds nothing meaningful to your lives.
She is absolutely vile about her own ds even to the point of berating him as a baby.
Don't let your lovely baby be involved with her at all. It will be no loss to him. From the sounds of it your baby will only benefit from not seeing her and enduring noisy frenzied visits at her house.
I wish your dh all the best with his counselling and hope his eyes are opened to his awful mothers personality and how it has affected his life.
NC is the only way.

Grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren, but they do have the right to make a court application in order ti obtain access to their grandchildren. Do you think she is capable of that?

That only applies to grandparents who have had a major role in the child's life and then been cut off. For example, a grandparent who has lived with the child or has done a lot of babysitting.

OP, you and your husband have to show your child the way through this world and not just fumble along. Don't put up with toxic people.

I agree your DP needs to grow a pair.........
When it comes to his mother.

Do not let that woman anywhere near your baby, it will not end week, especially if she hates you. I know because my gran (dad's mum) hated my mother and took great delight in hurting me to get a rise from her.

*well

Sounds like you're moving in the right direction, OP. Hope your DP gets the counseling he needs and learns to stand up to her too.

I think it's time for you to change the way you deal with this with DH because at the end of the day the problem is with your DH. Tell him your issue is with him and he might change what he does, realise how manipulated by her he, you and the DC is and finally join you in the NC.

She sounds diagnosable.

@Coyoacan

Right, but how do you think it is determined? In a court. And that costs money and takes a long time. If they tell a bunch of lies then it costs more time and money while the court figures out what's what.

They have the right to apply and be heard by the court. They are unlikely to achieve a court order in their favour, but they have the right to try.

OP needs to be savvy about it, because going to court is a nightmare, regardless of the outcome.

Thanks for the update op. You sound like you have your head in the right mental space to prioritise your son's wellbeing and your own. This is good. Well done. You are doing great.

If your DH is looking for an easy life, the easiest possible life would be one without her in it, from what I'm understanding.

He needs support and counselling to get through how she was so horrible to him while he was growing up but now he just has to accept that he cannot change her, just how he reacts to her demands and it seems as though he would be much better off focussing on you and his children. The past is in the past and he can't change it.

Move house.

I’m at a loss why either you or DP would want your MIL to have anything to do with your child.
Save all messages. Don’t engage. If she comes round threatening, call the police. I agree with her on one point your DP needs to grow some and tell her to do one.

If your DH is looking for an easy life, the easiest possible life would be one without her in it, from what I'm understanding

This is true. I think also moving some distance. In the short term it may be more up heaval but in long term so much better for you all. Dh needs to understand that he has grown up with this so it's 'normal' for him even if it's still hurtful, but you really don't want your son to start thinking this is normal. It's very dysfunctional and it WILL (not might) damage your child. Easy life or not, you need to consider your child.

Bollocks to her - I wouldn’t let her see my DS after treating me and DH like that. Time to cut ties completely.

My partner says he will keep hold of all the messages and voice notes she's sent. He doesn't trust that I won't use them immediately and escalate things because I'm angry, and to be honest he doesn't want me listening to them again because of how vile they are. I did consider going to the police, but it's a joint decision between the two of us and we've decided to stand firm on not taking our son to her for contact, but not to get police involved unless she continues to be threatening. I've not lowered myself and engaged in any vitriol with her, so as it stands she's the only one that's lost the plot and crossed the line. I'm not making any moves that will come across poorly if it ever did go to court.

I'm so glad I posted this, it's been very, very helpful!

Fuck that shit. OP you are clearly a way nicer person than me!

I would go for Option C - no contact at all. Failing that, Option D - invite MIL to a controlled meeting in a coffee shop or park or other public place with you, your partner and child. It has to be public and not your home. You have to be able to be in a position to just pick up and walk away if she kicks off.

No way would I allow my child into her home.

Good luck OP

Voted YABU but not in line with your rubbish options.

YABU (and your DP too) for even agreeing to allow her to continue seeing your DS.

Cut her out, ignore all contact. You'll both be happier for it.

If your DP really wants to maintain some level of contact, he can meet her in neutral space (e.g. pub/cafe) occasionally with DS.

Make sure you tell nursery/school in future that your DC is not to be released to anyone except you and your DH. just in case. i'm sure they wouldn't, but just giving them a heads up that you have a deranged family member who's threatened your family before might focus things a bit and ensure they're slightly more vigilant than standard procedure.

I'm so glad you've found this helpful and that you and your partner have agreed on a way forward.
His mother's behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable; please do not allow your DP to accept it, for all of your sakes.

God, she sounds like my mother… My mum died about five years ago and my kids are now in their late teens. Their memories of her are NOT positive. Looking back now I’m sorry that I persisted in perusing a relationship with her “for their sakes” as she was a horrible human being, who brought nothing positive into any of our lives.

Jesus Christ Op.

Why are you allowing this woman contact with your son??

Just no.

Cut her off and report her to the police for threatening behaviour.

I've decided to speak to a solicitor on how best to proceed. I'm terrified she will be able to apply for unsupervised contact one day, and I don't want to do anything now that helps her later.

Will update if anything useful for anyone else in a similar situation comes up when I speak to them.