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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 15/02/2022 21:07

[quote lynfordthecrab]@AcrossthePond55 my sister has been in contact with this cousin for over a year now. She only lives about 12 miles from me (the cousin), she even got her mum to do a DNA so we could discount cousins maternal side from the equation.
there are also a lot of links as to how her paternal uncles and my mother could know each other.
My sister did ask my mother last year when it first came to light and she muttered something about "what good is it bringing it up now?" and changed the subject so she knows something[/quote]
*'She knows something'
*
The line of the thread!! 😂

I'm sure she does! Even if memory can be a bit patchy

Lalliella · 15/02/2022 21:15

I think your DF was adopted and new cousin is the product of an affair.

Branleuse · 15/02/2022 21:15

@Nancydrawn

I can't imagine a situation in which I would do one of these tests, if only because I don't want these companies to have my DNA.

Not a useful answer. But the ways in which people steam ahead without considering privacy is really stunning.

Ive done one, so have loads of my family. I have 3 new cousins that have been discovered via these tests. I think its fascinating and really dont feel concerned about the privacy aspect.
NoCauseRebel · 15/02/2022 21:17

Not even if they were mega rich and you would be the only beneficiary? no. Not least because it wouldn’t be possible.

When my dad found his half sibling his sister started to say they should demand DNA testing so they could contest their father’s will if need be. Given he was actually married to someone else the money, assuming he’d had any, would have gone to his wife anyway so they wouldn’t have been entitled to anything, but either way, their sibling had no idea she had 5 other siblings,imagine having her inheritance questioned into the bargain. Hideous.

Zilla1 · 15/02/2022 21:19

@Gwenhwyfar certainly a clash of rights but I'm not sure everyone would agree a victim of rape or abuse matters are not private to her. Agreed in this case it's not likely but have known cases where it took place for years by family members. I see lots of PPS agree with the right to know though suspect if the DM told the DSis to FO then the best might be for the OP to ask the DM to leave a letter if she knows anything. Equally, unless I've mis-read the thread, it still seems possible the DSis is wrong in her presumption that her DF isn't her genetic father. It seems possible her DF could be her genetic father and it's his paternity in question or his status as an adoptee perhaps.

ShowMeTheSugar · 15/02/2022 21:20

Saying your sister already asked your mum who instead of denying there was something up muttered about it being no good getting brought it is a pretty big drip feed more than 10 posts in. Is there anything else missing from the OP? Or is this a conversation your sister told you she had but you weren't party to?

For someone with a degree in genealogy its also quite strange she's taken those findings and concluded it must mean your DFs DNA doesn't match either of yours. It's the one part of the puzzle untested, leaving two distinct possibilities and pretty poor for someone with a background in that kind of analysis.

I'd speak to your sister to understand what she wants as an outcome here because something seems very off.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/02/2022 21:24

@Aquamarine1029

Your father could have been adopted.
This.

Why would questioning your mum be a confrontation? It’s a discussion

Mellowyellow222 · 15/02/2022 21:29

Surely without your dads dna you have no dues whether the new cousin is related to him

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 21:31

[quote Zilla1]@Gwenhwyfar certainly a clash of rights but I'm not sure everyone would agree a victim of rape or abuse matters are not private to her. Agreed in this case it's not likely but have known cases where it took place for years by family members. I see lots of PPS agree with the right to know though suspect if the DM told the DSis to FO then the best might be for the OP to ask the DM to leave a letter if she knows anything. Equally, unless I've mis-read the thread, it still seems possible the DSis is wrong in her presumption that her DF isn't her genetic father. It seems possible her DF could be her genetic father and it's his paternity in question or his status as an adoptee perhaps.[/quote]
Possible, but unlikely given the DM's reaction.

Neotraditional · 15/02/2022 21:32

.

Briony123 · 15/02/2022 21:32

Would it make sense if your father had been adopted? This happened a lot back then and would explain why you have no match with his close relatives.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 21:35

Anyone genuinely in this situation would answer the question that a few of us have asked now - what's the number of centimorgans.

Also, nobody in the UK gets DNA results with matches only on the maternal side.

nozbottheblue · 15/02/2022 21:36

@ShowMeTheSugar

Saying your sister already asked your mum who instead of denying there was something up muttered about it being no good getting brought it is a pretty big drip feed more than 10 posts in. Is there anything else missing from the OP? Or is this a conversation your sister told you she had but you weren't party to?

For someone with a degree in genealogy its also quite strange she's taken those findings and concluded it must mean your DFs DNA doesn't match either of yours. It's the one part of the puzzle untested, leaving two distinct possibilities and pretty poor for someone with a background in that kind of analysis.

I'd speak to your sister to understand what she wants as an outcome here because something seems very off.

Sorry ShowMeTheSugar but this just shows how little you know about inheritance and what information can be had from family DNA testing. You’ve obviously not done any yourself- maybe try it, it’s fascinating!
ShowMeTheSugar · 15/02/2022 21:41

nozbottheblue have you tagged the wrong name? My comments on a drip feed are not relevant to the inheritance comments about, nor is pointing out the research failure in terms of discounting possibilities with no basis.

In case you did mean me, my family have researched our family tree, it includes adopted relatives and I think you've very much misunderstood the points being made.

Hugoslavia · 15/02/2022 21:43

I think that you both have a right to know the truth. I think that it should be bought up with your mother or other relatives in a sensitive way.

Gastonia · 15/02/2022 21:44

Also, nobody in the UK gets DNA results with matches only on the maternal side.
I'm not sure that is necessarily true. I don't know how typical it is, but I just looked at my first 25 matches, and all but two are definitely from my maternal side, by which time I'm down to under 45cm, and it's difficult to determine who they are related to. However, it is strange the OP doesn't give the number of centimorgans.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 21:49

@Gastonia yes, I may have been exaggerating to say "nobody" but I have never once applied the Leeds Method to someone's results and got only the maternal side. All have had paternal results, even when the father came from a country with low Ancestry uptake.

(The only situation this would happen would be in the case of incest, which I am grateful not to have come across).

ChickenStripper · 15/02/2022 21:51

I would suggest that you go to one of the DNA specific groups on FB and speak to them.They are well versed in things like DNA triangulation.

Cameleongirl · 15/02/2022 21:54

Given your Mum's comment, "what good is it bringing it up now?" I'm guessing that your Dad was either adopted or the product of an affair (possibly suspected by him during his lifetime).

I'd question some PP's assumptions that people didn't wait five years to have children back in the '70's and '80's, as the Pill was readily available. My parents, for example, waited five years to have me in the 70's, because maternity leave wasn't a right back then and women generally stayed at home after starting a family.

I think the OP and her sister are her parent's bio children and the mystery is further back.

welshladywhois40 · 15/02/2022 21:54

How old are you? My partner is 42 and found out the his father was a donor thanks to ancestry. As soon as his profile completed his new half sister explained what she had discovered.

Have a google for super donors late 70s -

Fangdango · 15/02/2022 22:00

If your father was adopted or brought up as another man's son, I wouldn't assume he or your mother knew that at all, or knew it "officially". She may really have nothing to tell you.

Gastonia · 15/02/2022 22:01

Natasha That's interesting. I didn't realise my result was unusual. Only my very closest match is on the paternal side. The rest down to 45cm are maternal (and one unknown, who is probably paternal).

JustLyra · 15/02/2022 22:12

[quote lynfordthecrab]@WonderfulYou my mum and dad had been married for over 5 years before my sister appeared and 8 before I did[/quote]
Depending on how old you are (and given you ruled out donation I’m assuming you’re not young) then your parents may have made an arrangement with someone when children didn’t appear early in their marriage.

I came across this several times in my family tree. Including one time when the biological father changed his mind about the arrangement and tried to gain access to the children.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2022 22:15

[quote lynfordthecrab]@AcrossthePond55 my sister has been in contact with this cousin for over a year now. She only lives about 12 miles from me (the cousin), she even got her mum to do a DNA so we could discount cousins maternal side from the equation.
there are also a lot of links as to how her paternal uncles and my mother could know each other.
My sister did ask my mother last year when it first came to light and she muttered something about "what good is it bringing it up now?" and changed the subject so she knows something[/quote]
Well, we may be putting 2 + 2 together and coming up with 5, but I agree that your mother is hiding something. And why on earth should she need to hide the fact that your father was adopted? What would be the 'scandal' in that?

Even if it was a situation one of your dad's female relatives (sister, aunt) actually being his mother (not uncommon years ago) or a male relative being his father (rarer, but I know of one), if I was your mother I'd much rather 'spill the beans' on that than have you think I'd had either a long standing affair or two affairs with the same man.

Here's a curveball and WAY out in left field. Could it be at all possible that your dad was sterile and that they had 'a friend' impregnate your mother (twice)? The fact that you and your DS have the same bio-father is what throws me.

ViceVersa · 15/02/2022 22:17

I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet but does your mother have any other children OP except for you and your sister?

If not then I think this would point more to there being fertility issues on your deceased fathers side and your mother using a sperm doner in some respect. Perhaps a friend or similar.

The reason I say this is because if your mother was having an affair but also married to the man you believe to be your father then you would expect at some point your mother would have fallen pregnant to him as well? Unless he had fertility issues and could not get her pregnant. Seems odd that you would both have the same father and no other children were conceived in the marriage.