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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
Ikeatears · 16/02/2022 00:00

@DonorConceivedMe if only people who were so flippant could see the hurt and the pain and the trauma caused by not knowing our roots. I recognise that not every adopted/donor conceived/NPE (not parent expected) person feels like this but there are thousands and thousands of us who do. It is very easy for people who grew up knowing who their biological parents are to dismiss our feelings with phrases like "why does it matter now?" or "there is more to being a parent than DNA" or "your dad will always be your dad" yes, he will but he will never be my biological father. I don't need a 'daddy', I've had a good one, but I wanted answers about where I came from, I wanted medical history for me and my children. The two ideas of paternity can exist concurrently.
We are nobody's dirty little secret.

DonorConceivedMe · 16/02/2022 00:14

… or using the excuse that some bio parents are crap therefore not knowing yours doesn’t matter. smh

EmmaH2022 · 16/02/2022 00:14

ikeatears

You quoted me so I thought I would clarify.

OP asked for opinions on her particular situation

She has said clearly she is not fussed but her sister is.

I said, to OP, about her particular case, that I'd let sleeping dogs lie. She said herself she will have to deal with fallout in this country.

This is not a comment on anyone's case but the OP - who literally asked for our thoughts.

sandgrown · 16/02/2022 00:15

@Ikeatears well said. I grew up with a stepdad who I was never really close to . I have spent years trying to trace my biological father . People who know who their parents are have no idea how it feels .

Filthyslattern · 16/02/2022 00:16

@Bettyboopawoop

Clausits
Closets
Purplestorm83 · 16/02/2022 00:19

www.strath.ac.uk/studywithus/centreforlifelonglearning/genealogy/ You can do a degree in genealogy

Ikeatears · 16/02/2022 00:21

@EmmaH2022 I genuinely wasn’t quoting anyone directly, it’s a phrase used often in these situations. I think the op is perfectly entitled to do as she feels is correct for her but equally, her sister is also entitled to question her mother. It’s unfortunate that the op feels she will have to deal with the fallout. Without knowing the family dynamics, it’s difficult but I would say for the op to make it clear to her mother and her sister that she isn’t willing to be involved in the discussions, if that’s how she feels.

Bohemianwannabe · 16/02/2022 01:03

How do you know the dna matches on dads side are not from outside/adopted/ivf etc how do you know your dad didn't have a different secret father or something which would explain why doesn't fully match if you haven't got your dad's actual dna surely you cannot possibly state categorically he is not your dad there are 1000s of reasons unless you have suspicions from other events or evidence I would put it down to the fact that these tests are never 100% conclusive.

Mamanyt · 16/02/2022 01:10

I'm kind of torn on this one. IF DM had a sperm donor because DF was sterile, it might be very embarrassing to her to admit this. If she had affairs, even more so. For my own part, I'd let it go. However, I doubt that your DS is going to do this. I'd suggest talking with DS, and reminding her that there is a vast difference between asking you DM gently about this, and confronting her. The first might get DS the answers that she wants, the second almost assuredly will not.

Monday55 · 16/02/2022 01:29

If OPs mum doesn't want to talk about it then it's obviously nothing to do with DF being adopted, as that doesn't seem like a big deal. I'd think it's sperm donation, probably they wanted to keep it private and asked the uncle to donate his sperm or they used the sperm bank.

OP what does it say on your birth certificate? Also have you never been introduced to any of your dads relatives? Surely you must have met at least one person he's supposedly related to. Maybe you could also convince one or two of his relatives to do a DNA test.

LadyPropane · 16/02/2022 02:26

Sounds like you're working with very limited information here so you can't really say anything for certain.

I think it's totally fine to talk to your mum about it, or for your sister to, and ask questions, but just be kind about it. Approach it with curiosity rather than accusations.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 04:10

centimorgans with the first cousin is 889

OP posts:
Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 04:14

The only reason we think at this stage that dad was not adopted is he was 2 of 5 and they all look very alike! We do have photos of them all together as kids. We have not ruled this option out, its just unlikely.
Nothing is really making sense right now we are trying very hard not to make our "facts" fit a story and indeed trying to find the truth
Fertility and IVF were in baby stages when we were kids and certainly not something my parents could afford

OP posts:
Hydrate · 16/02/2022 04:43

Has your sister used dna painter to look at the other possibilities of 889? And uploaded to the other dna matching sites?
Joined DNA Detective group on Facebook?

Though your mother's statement of why bring it up now is very revealing.

dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

JimmyShoo · 16/02/2022 04:47

You could rule out adoption by searching for the birth record for your Dad. If he was born in the UK it’s free and easy to do. You can either use Ancestry or FreeBMD.

Hydrate · 16/02/2022 04:50

889 cm possibilities.

DNA surprises!
sashh · 16/02/2022 05:52

Could your father have been a chimera?

I know there was a case in the US a few years ago where a woman was fighting for custody of her children and DNA showed she wasn't their mother, but she was, she had the DNA of someone else.

I don't suppose your father had a bone marrow transplant? It's common for the recipient of bone marrow to produce new blood cells with the donor's DNA and over time the semen can become that of the donors.

I know there is a difference between semen and sperm so not sure if that could be an explanation.

edenhills · 16/02/2022 08:14

If they were having fertility issues they could have asked a friend to donate sperm for your sister and then asked the friend again for you to make sure you two were full siblings. Using a turkey baster (or the old fashioned way) wouldn't have cost any money. I have lesbian friends who have done this. X

BestKnitterInScotland · 16/02/2022 08:19

Could your father have been a chimera?

Occam's Razor - the most likely explanation is usually correct.

It is far more likely that there is confusion, an adoption or some sort of fertility treatment either with the father, or this third party cousin than it is that the OP's dad is in the tiny number of people with confusing DNA. Not impossible, but unlikely.

freesolo · 16/02/2022 08:36

We had something similar, although further back. My uncle is a keen genealogist and submitted his dna through the ancestry site. He had a match with a woman but they could find no shared relatives. After a bit of digging, our uncles DNA matched her fathers, who was a lodger at his grandparents house! So his and my dads father, was the son of the lodger.

butterflymum · 16/02/2022 09:32

Someone upthread has given a link to DNA painter shared cM site. Along with this, I would add their What Are The Odds? tool and also suggest Colour Clustering.

butterflymum · 16/02/2022 09:35

The above was for @lynfordthecrab

butterflymum · 16/02/2022 09:39

Forgot to also link this explanation of What Are the Odds? which can potentially help to solve family mysteries.

Getupoffthesofa · 16/02/2022 10:53

@lynfordthecrab

The only reason we think at this stage that dad was not adopted is he was 2 of 5 and they all look very alike! We do have photos of them all together as kids. We have not ruled this option out, its just unlikely. Nothing is really making sense right now we are trying very hard not to make our "facts" fit a story and indeed trying to find the truth Fertility and IVF were in baby stages when we were kids and certainly not something my parents could afford
sperm donation predates ivf and by the sixties and seventies there we’re many many thousands of babies being conceived with what was then known as artificial inseminarian - (fresh sperm injected into the woman). The main reason a sperm donor is less unlikely however is that there are no matching half siblings. It could have been a private arrangement though?
XiCi · 16/02/2022 11:04

The only way you will find out OP is by asking your mum. She is probably expecting it if your sister has raised it with her previously and she knows about the gene testing.