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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 20:28

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Sorry - the above was in response to

You can't do a degree in genealogy... from OnlyAFleshWound

Yeah.. I found that one too. It's a bit obscure though, innit
Cryalot2 · 15/02/2022 20:29

Many times I have wondered about such.
In your case I only hope that you get the answers that you want and no one is hurt.

ForeverSingle881 · 15/02/2022 20:30

I wouldn’t be able to let this go. Your sister is not unreasonable

Gastonia · 15/02/2022 20:32

Yeah.. I found that one too. It's a bit obscure though, innit
Not for people interested in family history - it advertises widely.

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 20:35

Yeah.. I found that one too. It's a bit obscure though, innit

It's a "degree in genealogy" though.

Zilla1 · 15/02/2022 20:38

Interesting PPs seem to this the OP's DSis' 'right to know' trumps the DM's right to privacy, possibly in case of rape, abuse or marital infertility and the repercussions in terms of the OP having to pick up the pieces once the DSis in another country throws that grenade over the wall, especially when the DSis doesn't have immediate medical concerns that require access to their genetic father.

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 20:40

I’m also confused if dads dead?

sleepyhoglet · 15/02/2022 20:42

[quote lynfordthecrab]@Crucible we did consider this but very unlikely given the years we were born, how accessible it was then and the same father 3 years apart[/quote]
This is entirely possible- I have a friend who discovered he was the result of a sperm donor although as you say, the same father is unlikely and their sibling had a different donor.

CountessOfSponheim · 15/02/2022 20:43

[quote lynfordthecrab]@WonderfulYou my mum and dad had been married for over 5 years before my sister appeared and 8 before I did[/quote]
TBH that makes it somewhat likely they sought fertility treatment. It really doesn't seem to have been uncommon for fertility clinics to have used donor sperm mixed with the father's sperm for IUI -- in some cases officially and in others without the knowledge of the couple. Google Bertold Wiesner for one (now well-known) example of the latter, or Dani Shapiro's story.

Branleuse · 15/02/2022 20:43

Id have to confront the issue and ask your mum.
Mum, weve done an ancestry DNA test. How come me & dsis dont match with any of dads side of the family. Who is our biological father and how come you never thought to tell us?

maggiecate · 15/02/2022 20:43

[quote EmbarrassingHadrosaurus]It seems that you can do an MSc or similar at Strathclyde and plausibly elsewhere.

The Postgraduate Certificate, Diploma or MSc in Genealogical Studies is ideal for anyone with an existing interest and some experience in genealogy and related subjects. It has been developed by academics and genealogy professionals and is suitable for those who wish to study genealogy in more detail or career development.

www.strath.ac.uk/studywithus/centreforlifelonglearning/genealogy/[/quote]
I’d imagine this sort of qualification will become more widely available as more people upload their DNA to databases. In the USA there are companies that carry out genetic genealogy research for law enforcement and others. There are also organisations like DNADoeProject where amateur genealogy enthusiasts volunteer to help identify the remains of people who’ve died without identification. Some of the successes they’ve had are astonishing.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 15/02/2022 20:45

It's all very interesting. I think it's fine to say to your mum that you've uncovered something strange, suggesting your dad wasn't linked to X family, suggest maybe there's a mistake but ask if she knows any reason why that could be. Keep it casual, if she doesn't want to respond and tries to fluff through then leave it there. If she's willing to talk then she can.

None of my relatives can test because there is a known parental uncertainty in an older generation of our family, and it is for them to decide if they want to test or not. The trouble is that you can't test and just confirm or disprove something, by testing someone else could find you and then uncover the uncertainty. Perhaps once they are gone we could each consider if it's something we want to know or not for ourselves, until then it is their uncertainty to do with as they wish. When he's old enough I'll tell my DS what the uncertainty was, in case it ever makes him wonder, so he knows it was all known about and how everyone felt. The emotions could never be known from a DNA test. I'd advise anyone to think extremely carefully before taking one.

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 20:46

@BestKnitterInScotland

Yeah.. I found that one too. It's a bit obscure though, innit

It's a "degree in genealogy" though.

Yes, agreed
Zilla1 · 15/02/2022 20:47

HNRTT but without the father's personal DNA sample, is there a plausible way the DSis and OP can be certain their father isn't their genetic father instead of, for example as a PP has suggested above, her father was the OP and Dis' father but his father might not be his genetic father/he could have been adopted?

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 20:47

"And neither would I agree to do any kind of DNA test to prove I was or wasn’t someone else’s far-flung relative."

Not even if they were mega rich and you would be the only beneficiary?

Newschapter · 15/02/2022 20:51

@Bettyboopawoop

Clausits
Or even closets Wink

@lynfordthecrab my sisters want to do this too but as there are 9 of us siblings and my father never kept his dick in his pants I wouldn't be surprised to find half siblings elsewhere...

I do hope you get the answers you're looking for and that it's not too painful for you or your mum Flowers

CobraChicken · 15/02/2022 20:51

As various other people have already pointed out @lynfordthecrab you cannot know for sure that your dad was not your biological father. All you can conclusively deduce from those matches you have is that you are not related to who you believe you should be down the paternal line - but equally, neither might your dad have been.

He could have been adopted and therefore totally unrelated (by blood) to who you think of as your paternal grandparents.

Nancydrawn · 15/02/2022 20:55

I can't imagine a situation in which I would do one of these tests, if only because I don't want these companies to have my DNA.

Not a useful answer. But the ways in which people steam ahead without considering privacy is really stunning.

SwedishEdith · 15/02/2022 20:56

@Gastonia

Yeah.. I found that one too. It's a bit obscure though, innit Not for people interested in family history - it advertises widely.
Plus, OP said her sister lives in another country so may not even be a UK university. Strathclyde is not obscure though - it's where the great John Curtice is a Prof.
Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 20:58

"It's all very interesting. I think it's fine to say to your mum that you've uncovered something strange, suggesting your dad wasn't linked to X family, suggest maybe there's a mistake but ask if she knows any reason why that could be. Keep it casual, if she doesn't want to respond and tries to fluff through then leave it there. If she's willing to talk then she can."

She's already avoided giving the answer once hasn't she. If OP/her DS want an answer they'll have to be more persistent than that.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 20:59

@Nancydrawn

I can't imagine a situation in which I would do one of these tests, if only because I don't want these companies to have my DNA.

Not a useful answer. But the ways in which people steam ahead without considering privacy is really stunning.

I think the cat's out of the bag with all of this now. You won't be able to stop people looking for the information they want.
Asdawindowandglass · 15/02/2022 21:01

The same thing happened to my dad (a relative did a family tree and found out his dad wasn’t his biological dad). He didn’t raise it with my grandma as his dad brought him up and was to all intents and purposes his dad, and she was very old. Why distress her? I would leave it, and it’s your choice not your sons even if he did the research

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 21:01

@Zilla1

Interesting PPs seem to this the OP's DSis' 'right to know' trumps the DM's right to privacy, possibly in case of rape, abuse or marital infertility and the repercussions in terms of the OP having to pick up the pieces once the DSis in another country throws that grenade over the wall, especially when the DSis doesn't have immediate medical concerns that require access to their genetic father.
I think rape by the same man years apart is possible, but not the most likely explanation. I think that while infertility and adultery are private matters they're not absolutely private to the DM when they affect her daughters as well.
dontblamemee · 15/02/2022 21:01

@lynfordthecrab when I did ancestry 4 years ago, I matched to a new first cousin that I did not know. It turns out she's my half sister not a cousin so I wouldn't rule out this new cousin actually being a sibling!

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 21:02

"I would leave it, and it’s your choice not your sons even if he did the research"

It's her sister who wants to know and it's as much her choice as the OP's.

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