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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU / WWYD re missed driving lesson

201 replies

ComfyQuilt · 15/02/2022 15:27

DD forgot she had a driving lesson today and didn’t hear her phone. The doorbell in our car port does not work (DH only just told me this) so the the instructor went away, even though we were all at home.

This is the AIBU/ WWYD part… only two days ago I spoke to the instructor and texted him as I am going to be his main contact for a driving test cancellation app that we’re using.

Bearing this in mind, do you think I’m being unreasonable to think that he might’ve rung my phone too when he got no answer from DD? We also regularly text each other about payment.

So frustrating that we now have to pay £60 when we were all at home!

Also, DD then tried ringing and texting during the remaining 45mins of the lesson time but no reply.

AIBU to think this isn’t 100% our fault? I will pay but do feel rather aggrieved about it tbh.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 15/02/2022 16:51

Apologies I see it was a 90 min lesson not an hour - but it's still the same really, his next lesson likely wasn't until 2 hours later (allowing a gap between/ time to get to next pupil etc) - it wouldn't have hurt him to have allowed the last half of the lesson.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 17:01

@Grenlei

Apologies I see it was a 90 min lesson not an hour - but it's still the same really, his next lesson likely wasn't until 2 hours later (allowing a gap between/ time to get to next pupil etc) - it wouldn't have hurt him to have allowed the last half of the lesson.
But depending on how competent the daughter is, it may not be worthwhile only having half a lesson.
Grenlei · 15/02/2022 17:05

Why would it not be worthwhile? When you're learning any time spent in a car is beneficial. Years ago lessons were typically an hour long (I know now most are 1.5-2 hours) and some were less. 45 mins is plenty of time to get some good practice in on manoeuvres, junctions etc.

Happy36 · 15/02/2022 17:06

Yabu. Being 60 quid down should help DD remember appointments and hear her phone in future.

Benjispruce5 · 15/02/2022 17:06

DD needs to pay it. It’s a consequence to her actions and a life lesson .

DysmalRadius · 15/02/2022 17:07

@ComfyQuilt

I know it’s DD’s fault but am really shocked at how few people would not think it’s reasonable to ring the parents’ number too in these circumstances!
He turned up as arranged, then got out and rang the bell, then called your daughter. I think giving her three chances to be where she was supposed to is enough, so although I can understand your frustration, it sounds as though you are directing it at the wrong person.

Given that he had just tried the house and your daughter's phone, it was reasonable to assume that there was nobody home so even if he could have got hold of you, it would have been no use as your daughter wasn't where she was supposed to be - someone not answering their phone or doorbell despite being in the house is quite unusual, so I can see why he thought he'd exhausted all the realistic options.

While it sounds as though your DD faces significant challenges related to her ADHD, I'm sure you're helping her to take some responsibility for managing her life around it and this is as good a time as any to demonstrate the importance of doing just that. There are plenty of calendar and reminder apps that she can use (I use FamCal as it allows me to organise everyone at once and share with my husband) but she has to get into the habit of actually using them and not relying on you, or on others, to adapt to her needs.

It's a good time to get used to it - you are there to help and support and people will be much more willing to make an effort with her as she's young. But there will come a point where she needs her own safety nets in place without the back-up of a parent or someone who is prepared to make allowances for her, so getting her used to that now will help.

luckylavender · 15/02/2022 17:08

YABU

Staryflight445 · 15/02/2022 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FantasticFebruary · 15/02/2022 17:21

@ComfyQuilt

I know it’s DD’s fault but am really shocked at how few people would not think it’s reasonable to ring the parents’ number too in these circumstances!
@ComfyQuilt

I think he could easily have actually knocked on the door!!

Definitely could have rung you.

He wasn't available for the 45 minutes, once DD realised! Bloody cheek charging you for the full 1.5 hours.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/02/2022 17:23

@Jellycatspyjamas we’ve texted each other periodically since dd1 learnt 2 years ago and we spoke yesterday. He has my number!

Part of my job is appointment based, with people who work with me for a while, stop and come back again. I might have their number because they called or sent me a text but I’d need to go back through my diary and phone to link x person to y number, I don’t keep clients saved in my phone by name unless I’m actively working with them. If a clients parent or partner called me I’d not have that link to hand if I was away from my office. It’s not my responsibility to phone round everyone connected to my client if they don’t attend their appointment.

It’s a learning for your daughter to make sure she has systems in place to manage her time.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/02/2022 17:24

Ah, OP.

I've been there. I'm sure many parents of 17 year olds have too.

Bloody frustrating, especially when DD was actually in 🤬🤬🤬

The instructor should definitely have come and knocked on the actually front door. Should also have responded to DD when she message.

Unfortunately you just have to suck it up as instructors and test centres are so in demand at the moment.

I feel your pain though 🤬

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 17:26

@fruitbrewhaha

The way I see it is you have paid for an hour of his time. If he spent an hour trying to reach your daughter, he has not lost any time. So he rang her left a message, tried the door bell then thought ah well and drove off. He could have very easily seen she was trying to reach him later but chose not to. He could have waited, he could have tried another number, the time spent on trying to reach her would have been paid for within the hour of tuition time so he wouldn't have lost out. He wouldn't have extended the lesson time beyond and hour and your daughter would have had 50 mins of lesson or 45.

You daughter does need to be more organised but I'd look for another instructor.

They book a minimum of an hour because you can't teach a proper driving lesson in less than an hour. By the time you're in the car, have moved the seat, mirrors etc, recapped last lesson and talked about what you'll cover in this lesson you've lost a good chunk of time. Having enough time to drive to the next estate and back again is a pointless practice. He'll also have terms and conditions. If you're late to a dentist appointment they'll move on. They won't wait for you then, so why do people expect to treat self employed people like crap?
Kezzie200 · 15/02/2022 17:26

She should have been looking out for him as it was a planned lesson. Not just relying on a doorbell ring.

Sorry, its her responsibility to pay.

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 17:27

I think he could easily have actually knocked on the door!!

How was he supposed to know the doorbell wasn't working? If he'd tried the doorbell and called DD he probably assumed she was asleep or had an emergency.

Kezzie200 · 15/02/2022 17:28

It's two hours here because the towns with the test routes are both 30 minutes away! It's all good experience though

labyrinthlaziness · 15/02/2022 17:35

I agree the driving instructor is in the right - they turned up, they rang the bell, they rang the pupil's number.

It is ridiculous that you expect people to work around your broken door bell and your DD not answering her phone.

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 17:36

Instructors don’t have time to remember linked numbers. You may have texted yesterday but it would have been one out of several texts he receives.

I also have ADHD and just passed my test…

Staryflight445 · 15/02/2022 17:37

Was my comment deleted because I said you can’t use adhd as an excuse?
What I meant was- it’s unfair for driving instructor to lose money because of this.
Which is fair enough, isn’t it?

Original poster
ComfyQuilt · 15/02/2022 17:37

@chesirecat99 and @fruitbrewhaha thank you for your empathy.

Everyone else clearing thinks I’m on another planet.

The more I think about it the more I think he should knock as well as ring..the point is, there is a strong likelihood of any doorbell not working IME.

To those saying I am so unreasonable…Would it be okay to ring only and not knock if the bell was actually at the front ?? I think he didn’t want to walk down the path in the rain!!

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 15/02/2022 17:37

If she's old enough to be learning to drive she's too old for him to be calling her parents to ask if she's in. He arranged an appointment with her. He knew it was half term, so she's not in lessons. He rang her. It's a pisstake really.

Not hard to set a calender alert. You can share an online calendar like Team up so you can both see it or she can use her phone calendar and when you input the lesson when you book it you set a reminder the day before and the hour before and the morning of if neccesary.
She fucked up. What done is done. She apologises and pays. Do better next time.

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 17:37

Also £40?!?£ do you live in London??

LIZS · 15/02/2022 17:40

How would he know the bell might not work? If there is a note to say out of order please knock on door, maybe you would have a point.

riceuten · 15/02/2022 17:40

You're looking for justification for your/her actions and it doesn't look like you're getting it

SoupDragon · 15/02/2022 17:40

He rang the doorbell and phoned your DD. She forgot about the lesson and "didn't hear" her phone. It is entirely her fault.

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 17:40

[quote ComfyQuilt]**@chesirecat99* and @fruitbrewhaha* thank you for your empathy.

Everyone else clearing thinks I’m on another planet.

The more I think about it the more I think he should knock as well as ring..the point is, there is a strong likelihood of any doorbell not working IME.

To those saying I am so unreasonable…Would it be okay to ring only and not knock if the bell was actually at the front ?? I think he didn’t want to walk down the path in the rain!![/quote]
Instead of taking this as a lesson learnt you still insist on blaming the instructor.
It would be ‘nice’ if he tried more methods. But it’s not an obligation. You’re acting like he did something wrong.

As a parent of an ADHD child you’re not going to prepare them for the wider world if this is your attitude.