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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU / WWYD re missed driving lesson

201 replies

ComfyQuilt · 15/02/2022 15:27

DD forgot she had a driving lesson today and didn’t hear her phone. The doorbell in our car port does not work (DH only just told me this) so the the instructor went away, even though we were all at home.

This is the AIBU/ WWYD part… only two days ago I spoke to the instructor and texted him as I am going to be his main contact for a driving test cancellation app that we’re using.

Bearing this in mind, do you think I’m being unreasonable to think that he might’ve rung my phone too when he got no answer from DD? We also regularly text each other about payment.

So frustrating that we now have to pay £60 when we were all at home!

Also, DD then tried ringing and texting during the remaining 45mins of the lesson time but no reply.

AIBU to think this isn’t 100% our fault? I will pay but do feel rather aggrieved about it tbh.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 15/02/2022 16:02

Why would he ring you when she is the one learning? She is is getting in the car not you. If she cant be responsible enough to remember a lesson then she cant be responsible enough to drive a car.

Original poster
ComfyQuilt · 15/02/2022 16:02

@MedusasBadHairDay yes. But it’s for her driving test cancellations not lessons. It has been agreed that he will look out for urgent messages from me (not dd) in relation to test bookings as she can’t use her phone in lessons.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 15/02/2022 16:02

YABU DD needs to get organised, I left my DS 17 to all his own arrangements with his driving instructor, giving him the money was my only involvement.

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 16:02

YABU.

She needs to sort herself out and set reminders when she has a lesson. I have the same situation with my teenage son who has a memory like a sieve. But it's not my job to remember for him.

Original poster
ComfyQuilt · 15/02/2022 16:03

@Cas112 don’t be silly

OP posts:
Cas112 · 15/02/2022 16:05

[quote ComfyQuilt]@Cas112 don’t be silly[/quote]
Sorry but its true

MedusasBadHairDay · 15/02/2022 16:06

[quote ComfyQuilt]@MedusasBadHairDay yes. But it’s for her driving test cancellations not lessons. It has been agreed that he will look out for urgent messages from me (not dd) in relation to test bookings as she can’t use her phone in lessons.[/quote]
Fair enough, but that's not the same as an arrangement that he calls you if she's not picking up. Giving he was picking her up from home, and so knew she wasn't in a lesson where she couldn't answer her phone, it's reasonable for him to expect her to answer her phone.

melj1213 · 15/02/2022 16:06

YABU - he turned up on time, rang the bell and called his student. He isn't obliged to keep ringing more and more people until someone answers.

Also it's the middle of a weekday, he probably assumed you would be at work and not at home with your DD so calling you would have been no help to actually get the lesson on track

brainhurts · 15/02/2022 16:07

Sorry op both my children delt with booking lessons themselves , I had no idea when they were . I would of thought as you already said it " was the perfect storm " for her to forget you would of known and reminded her . You can't blame the instructor for your and DD mistakes

godmum56 · 15/02/2022 16:07

yabu. If she is old enough and sensible enough to learn to drive, she is old and responsible enough to keep track of her own appointments. Yes i think you are esxpecting too much, he is not your DD's PA (or yours :) )

iklboo · 15/02/2022 16:07

£40 an hour?! Are you in London / South East. DH charges £28 in Manchester. If it was a first time missing of a lesson he doesn't normally charge, but he does if it happens again and he's not been given any notice.

Cognoscenti · 15/02/2022 16:07

YABU, it's DD's fault, he made more than enough effort to try to reach her.
I have autism and ADHD, and put all my appointments in my calendar with reminders set for the day and hour before, so I don't forget. She needs to do something like that, the instructor shouldn't miss out on any earnings due to a pupil forgetting a lesson.

Mo1911 · 15/02/2022 16:08

[quote ComfyQuilt]@MedusasBadHairDay yes. But it’s for her driving test cancellations not lessons. It has been agreed that he will look out for urgent messages from me (not dd) in relation to test bookings as she can’t use her phone in lessons.[/quote]
So if it's agreed that you're only there for money and cancellations, you've already said that you didn't know that she had a lesson, he would have no reason to call you to see if she was attending the lesson as that's not why he had your number......

Midlifemusings · 15/02/2022 16:09

How old is your daughter? If she is college age - then no, I don't think anyone should be contacting her parents. There is an expectation that someone old enough to take on the major responsibility that goes with driving can also manage the responsibilities of getting to a lesson. And young adults need to take responsibility for themselves.

If she was 16, then maybe.

WildPoinsettia · 15/02/2022 16:09

Your DD is 17 and taking driving lessons, this is one of those situations where she needs to be acting like an adult. She's the customer, not you. Why are you making yourself "the main contact" whatever that means in this situation? Let her get on with it. If you're paying for the lessons that's upto you but this is a situation where you need to step back and do nothing more than hand her the money. How else is she going to learn to adult? If she was paying for the lessons too, or had a fixed total amount to pay for them, she'd have a much bigger incentive to not miss any. At the moment if she misses any it's you who loses out, not her.

Fanofcrisps · 15/02/2022 16:10

I also don't think that there should be a financial impact on the instructor. He was there to provide the service and he's just trying to make a living. I'm sorry it must feel like money down the drain

diddl · 15/02/2022 16:10

@ComfyQuilt

I know it’s DD’s fault but am really shocked at how few people would not think it’s reasonable to ring the parents’ number too in these circumstances!
In my day you had a card with your lessons written in & you looked out for the instructor so as not to keep them waiting!

Sometimes people rely too much on people ringing/messaging them imo.

"I'm on my way, 10 mins away, turning into your road..."

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 16:12

@Midlifemusings

How old is your daughter? If she is college age - then no, I don't think anyone should be contacting her parents. There is an expectation that someone old enough to take on the major responsibility that goes with driving can also manage the responsibilities of getting to a lesson. And young adults need to take responsibility for themselves.

If she was 16, then maybe.

16 is college age...
BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/02/2022 16:12

I’m always amazed at these sort of threads. My friend rings her sons instructor after every lesson to ask how he got on 🤦‍♀️

bigbluebus · 15/02/2022 16:13

Sorry but definitely not the instructor at fault here.
When my DS had lessons I didn't get involved apart from booking the 1st one for his 17th birthday. After that it was DS's responsibility to book them and remember. And he also has trouble being organised due to an ASD diagnosis. But I step back and just give him strategies to remember things. Eg DS will say "remind me to do XYZ". My reply "put a reminder in your phone" and repeat until the message sinks in!

Flippydip · 15/02/2022 16:14

Absolutely gobsmacked that you're paying £40 an hour for driving lessons.

Anyway! YABU - she is responsible for her own driving lessons so should have remembered really. Does she have a job and can she pull in extra hours to cover the charge herself so you don't have to?

Ohlalaohlala · 15/02/2022 16:16

Urgh, my job is appointment based. We have so many people who forget their appointments. If we had to chase and remind everybody, we’d get no work done. Yabu.

Seemssounfair · 15/02/2022 16:17

Driving is for responsible adults.

As a car driver she will be legally responsible for insurance, mot, tyre depth, keeping fuel in car, washers filled, following the highway code, remembering not to drive after drinking the night before and many more things. Mistakes that could result in points, fines, accidents or worse.

If she cant even take responsibility for booking and turning up for lessons she isn't ready to take responsibility for driving a car.

You are doing her no favours not making her accountable for her mistake and trying to pass blame to the instructor.

Change123today · 15/02/2022 16:18

The instructor could have around 4-5 learners a day working 5 days a week - it would be a bit of an overhead to expect them to contact on top off 20 odd students to also know the (40 odd) parents number and chase them?

In between people trying to book driving tests (which is a nightmare as we all know) and keeping their availability open to get those learners for their tests, on top of making sure the car is cleaned between clients due to covid.

Your not the only client and it’s sort of unfair to make sure they ring everyone and contact everyone - when your daughter should have been up and ready outside?
We have iPhones with a family calendar (the old school kitchen calendar) she knew to put it straight into the calendar. I wanted to try and get her to be more independent so I may say to her do you need an extra mask for driving lesson - so I’m giving her my trust she knows what’s she doing but a little reminder too. Also the driving company had an app which she gave me her log into so I could pay my share (we paid 50/50) so I could see her lessons there also.
It really isn’t the instructor fault (sorry)

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 16:19

@ComfyQuilt

I know it’s DD’s fault but am really shocked at how few people would not think it’s reasonable to ring the parents’ number too in these circumstances!
If your child is old enough to drive a car, they are old enough to deal with their teachers and you cannot reasonably expect to be called

If the child is too immature and you want to be involved, they are too immature to drive! Even with an instructor.