To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

[Sixmonthcruise]

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

It’s really not. It’s a case of emailing maybe 20 parents and it taking 15minutes out of a day rather than an hour. Meaning I can then focus on other aspects of my job that need doing and leaving work at a reasonable time.

The OP said the emails are specific to her daughter and also include her name. So presumably the teacher is already personalising each one if it's a letter that's being sent to multiple students.

I agree that if you're sending a generic email saying "If your son/daughter is blah blah blah, they should etc etc", but if you're emailing about a specific individual, it should be he/she etc. What's next, school reports all referring to 'they'? Ridiculous. I'm a teacher too btw.

I use mail merge to email parents and try to avoid they/ them by continually “insert pupil’s name here” but somehow one always gets in! No way have I got time to separate the list into boy/girl. I also send emails on behalf of whole department and often wouldn’t know if it was a boy or girl based on name alone. Large number of EAL pupils in our school.

They as a singular always annoys the hell out of me. I don't care if Chaucer uses it. It sounds vague, ill defined and sloppy. But it may not be the result of some directive? I'd just ignore it and keep using her correct pronouns in your replies.

@amnm

I think it's very possible she has a standard template she uses for pupils which will refer to they/them, rather than he/him & she/her to avoid having to change the email for each student.

I don't really think this is meant to suggest your dd is non-binary.

This will be it. How does she refer to your daughter in person?

All the posters here claiming that pronouns are irrelevant, and inoffensive... I wonder if the same pronouns would be considered in this way if they were being used in a way that a mis-gendered a child that had specified that they wanted to be referred to as he rather than she, or she rather than he? If Teachers have agreed to refer to students in a specific way based on the students preferences then this should either be observed in all cases, or not at all.

My DD teaches. They have been informed by SLT that all student communication must be neutral now as in they/them.

This is because of numerous complaints from parents who wish their female daughter to be referred to as he/him or they/them. And also the odd parent whose son now wishes to be she/her. I imagine it has come as guidance from the Education Department and certainly no school would ever now be able to say Don't be utterly ridiculous, Sandra. You aren't a boy, and we're not referring to you as 'he' just because you wish you had a penis which is basically what they would have done when I was in school.

They/them is probably coming from the powers above. So by all means fuck about wasting the teacher's time by repeated emails saying you want your dd referred to as she - rather than dealing with the actual issue and the reason the teacher has to keep emailing.

And the teacher will keep ignoring you if they have been instructed by their senior management that they have to send neutral emails.

I don't believe this is a new thing though. I remember letters from when I was in secondary school that used they/them in communication. Usually it's a standard template that teachers use so they don't have to change up every email, or risk sending the wrong template out to the wrong child. I think it's still to get worked up over something this minor.

Yanbu. If we are required to respect the choices of non binary we must respect the pronoun choices of everyone.

We don't all have to become something we are not.

They have been informed by SLT that all student communication must be neutral now as in they/them.

And this is why the parents who want their children to continue to be referred to by what and who they are need to complain equally as loudly as the ones who instigated the nonsense.

*FairyCakeWings

I don’t think this is something that should just be brushed aside as if it doesn’t matter. It does matter, and personally I’d be prepared to put in a formal complaint about it. It’s rude and disrespectful to your daughter, and it sends the message that she is irrelevant to her teacher. People would be quick enough to complain about a teacher ‘misgendering’ them if they were trans*

Teachers are being driven out of the profession in droves, yet this is what you think they should be spending their time doing? Dealing with a formal complaint because your kid got called a gender neutral pronoun?

Can you just imagine being that teacher, after a 12 hour day dealing with self important teenagers, bratty teenagers, bad behaviour, mountains of paperwork, then getting a complaint about something as pathetic as pronouns because they referred to a girl as "they".

Not read the thread all the way through so prolly already been said/addressed a hundred times.

So, I refer to everyone as they/them. It’s not a non-binary thing - I’ve always done it, since I was a kid. Before the words ‘non-binary’ or ‘cis-gendered’ ever entered my lexicon. I think Mickey Flanagan even did a sketch about how women don’t worry about how to address people - we just address everyone as ‘they/them’.

Is it a big deal? I would refer to your child in the same way if in the teacher’s shoes and on getting your requests, I’d probably roll my eyes and ignore it just the same, too. I mean, had you even considered that this might not even be a gendered thing?

They/them predates the whole gender debate. Everyone seriously gets their panties in a twist about it and I just don’t get why. (For context, I’m genderfluid but go by she/her if anything as biologically, I’m female and mentally, I’m don’tgiveafuck).

I can understand why this is annoying. Girls fight hard for recognition and to reduce her to incorrect pronouns is insulting. To ask this saying you'd be more concerned about how many emails are being sent, this teachers attitude could be part of the problem. If she is overly pushing gender ideology then she could be negatively focusing on the students who are not going along with it. I'd request clarification from the head of school and governor's and then tailor my next email accordingly to the teacher.

If DD was a girl and the teacher kept saying he or she wanted to identify as male but the teacher kept saying she - than fair enough - but no one would have a problem with being called they.

I would have a problem with being called 'they' by a person who knows me, knows my sex and is writing/talking specifically about me.

Your name is a proper noun and he/she/they are pronouns. Therefore, if you don't care about somebody using the correct pronoun when referring to you, why would you care if they use your correct proper noun (name) or not?

If they're going to decide that a particular random pronoun is neutral, and suitable for everybody, regardless of their actual pronouns, why would they not be just as valid in picking a random name and referring to every single child as 'Bob' or 'Ann' or whatever? It makes no more or no less sense than with pronouns.

Depends on the email. If it was specifically composed about your daughter then you'd have more grounds to be annoyed, however if this is an email she has adapted to be sent to multiple parents then I think use of neutral pronouns is efficient.

Why have you showed your DD emails addressed to you in any event? if there is a behavioural or work issue you can discuss these with her without even showing them to her.

I would concentrate in sorting out DD's misbehaviour or unacceptable work rather than bring up non issued just because you can.

Well it's misgendering isn't it? If the trans lobbyist want respect for their chosen ways to be addressed, they should also respect others. If the teacher can't remember who wants what....well that's where the whole house of cards starts to fall down.

*Teachers are being driven out of the profession in droves, yet this is what you think they should be spending their time doing? Dealing with a formal complaint because your kid got called a gender neutral pronoun?

Can you just imagine being that teacher, after a 12 hour day dealing with self important teenagers, bratty teenagers, bad behaviour, mountains of paperwork, then getting a complaint about something as pathetic as pronouns because they referred to a girl as "they".*

Would you say the same about a teacher referring to someone who was clearly a girl but wanted to be called them/they as she?

Dear god, I wouldn't be a teacher for any amount of money!

I salute all you teachers!

I'd be angry about this and taking it to senior management. If we all have to respect people who want to be they/them it works both ways - what kind of message is that sending to a girl. She is asking to have her sec acknowledged and being ignored.

@Sixmonthcruise

Dd is 13/year 9. Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up. She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them). I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her. However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them. I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me. Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

I'd hit the fucking roof. If its not acceptable to refer to non binary or trans or whatever people by terms they don't want, what this teacher is doing is bang out of order.

@SamphiretheStickerist

Get a grip. School's can't do right for doing wrong! It's a perfectly valid way to address a person.

I agree OP.

DS received an award, hand written so not a template, and was referred to as they/them all the way through.

At best it is sloppy. They/them is third person plural, and singular only as a neutral term.

Before misgendering was a thing it was acceptable to use they in place of her or him. I think it’s searching for something to be offended about in this instance. Maybe the teacher is doing it for shits & giggles now because you’re being a pain and they are actually human. Did you resolve the real issue in the emails?

I feel rather sorry for the teacher.