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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

266 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 15/02/2022 13:16

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

OP posts:

Phormiumjester · 15/02/2022 15:49

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Surely she is just using it to refer to the 3rd person?! I do this at work, I will ‘they did this, they did that, they need to improve on this, they need to improve on that’

A teacher, of all people, should know that 'they' is only correctly AND commonly used as an individual third person pronoun when the person's sex is unknown or the person in question specifically prefers to be referred to by it.

Are you seriously suggesting that, if you mentioned to a native English speaker that your Grandmother had been taken to hospital and that person replied "How are they doing? I do hope they recover very soon", you wouldn't see anything at all odd in that?

Maybe it's regional but no I eoulfnt think that was odd.

Heard your grandma's been poorly. How are they doing?

That doesn't sound particularly odd to me, mor to the colleague I've just asked, and I'd probably say it and almost certainly not infer your nana was non binary!

Mo1911 · 15/02/2022 15:51

Can't see why you're getting steamed up about this, it appears that you've got bigger problems than what pronoun is used.

Photolass · 15/02/2022 15:52

Heard your grandma's been poorly. How are they doing
That would never occur to me. I would always say, "How is she doing?"

Inamuddle36 · 15/02/2022 15:52

I agree with OP. I would be annoyed if my child were referred to with a plural pronoun. Perhaps the teacher doesn’t understand the difference between singular and plural? Or perhaps the teacher doesn’t recognise pupils as individuals and uses lazy boiler plates for specific communications?
Perhaps send the teacher a written letter politely stating that you prefer your one daughter to be referred to as “she/her”. You don’t need to mention anything about gendered language. Just say you have one daughter and wish her to be referred to my the singular female pronoun.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/02/2022 15:53

*I think it's fairly obvious that I quoted the wrong post. I intended to quote one further back up the thread by CorBlimeyGG. Mainly because I do know my audience with regard to that poster.

Untwist those knickers, it was an error. You have my apologies!*

Only fairly obvious if one scrolled back to page 2 or wherever you dragged the quote from. Knickers not twisted, too big and comfy for that sort of action

hulahooper2 · 15/02/2022 15:55

I wouldn’t be happy , if they continued to call a non binary pupil he/she there would be an uproar so it should be the same vice versa

Looneytune253 · 15/02/2022 15:55

Honestly I think it's just the norm now and is easier when the children change their pronouns regularly. My child uses they pronouns when referring to their friends now even if they're still she/he. Makes sure you're not misgendering someone

FairyCakeWings · 15/02/2022 15:56

I don’t think this is something that should just be brushed aside as if it doesn’t matter. It does matter, and personally I’d be prepared to put in a formal complaint about it. It’s rude and disrespectful to your daughter, and it sends the message that she is irrelevant to her teacher. People would be quick enough to complain about a teacher ‘misgendering’ them if they were trans.

Chestofdraws · 15/02/2022 15:58

I also agree with you op. I totally believe peoples chosen pronouns should be respected and that includes when girls and women wish to be known as she/her. It’s disrespectful to ignore it and choose your own pronouns for the person.

I’d escalate it.

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 15/02/2022 16:01

is it a personalised mass email, e.g. Dear insert name here, identical text sent to every parent, from teacher name
are you sure your daughter's not asked to be refereed to by they, or the teacher has asked her following your email and she's said to continue with they. A lot of students tell teachers things they won't tell parents.

If it's not these and it is an individual email written to you about your daughter then they should use her preferred pronouns (she/her)

Though I would also have concerns of why I am getting so many emails. Teachers only tend to email if a child has done something very bad

godmum56 · 15/02/2022 16:03

Does it ACTUALLY bother your DD how she is mentioned in the emails?

godmum56 · 15/02/2022 16:05

@Photolass

Heard your grandma's been poorly. How are they doing That would never occur to me. I would always say, "How is she doing?"

but the persons gender choice has already been stated by use of the word "grandma"

SamphiretheStickerist · 15/02/2022 16:05

@SockFluffInTheBath

*I think it's fairly obvious that I quoted the wrong post. I intended to quote one further back up the thread by CorBlimeyGG. Mainly because I do know my audience with regard to that poster.

Untwist those knickers, it was an error. You have my apologies!*

Only fairly obvious if one scrolled back to page 2 or wherever you dragged the quote from. Knickers not twisted, too big and comfy for that sort of action

I'm on my phone and have absolutely no idea how that happened.

Glad to hear you are sitting comfortably!

downtonupton · 15/02/2022 16:15

I have been referring to clients and children as they/them for years. nothing in it - just means I can use standard text in letters that without thinking or offending someone by getting it wrong - especially when dealing with names i am not familiar with so don't know what gender they are.

It is nothing to do with binary or non binary just reducing the chance of making errors and was born out of all standard letters being set up with 'your son/daughter'; 'him/her'; 'he/she'' or 'his/hers' which I always thought was clunky - so when I started here 15 years ago I changed them all to they, them, their etc

sharksarecool · 15/02/2022 16:18

If it's a letter from the school about behaviour then there is most likelyba standard letter which contains "they" throughout. "They" can be used either for plural or when sex is unknown, e.g. "if anyone has further questions they should speak to the teacher". Its unlikely to be anything to do with non-binary.

Tubs11 · 15/02/2022 16:19

I couldn't get worked up over this

ChateauMargaux · 15/02/2022 16:20

Oh the irony... it is irritating.

EdenFlower · 15/02/2022 16:22

It's just another case of everyone having to conform to accommodate the minorities. It's annoying and insulting.

Branleuse · 15/02/2022 16:24

I wouldnt care. Its probably easier for a lot of teachers to just use they/them for everyone rather than accidentally getting a wrong pronoun and the chaos that would then ensue when the child felt invalidated and the teacher got death threats.

Fatmax22 · 15/02/2022 16:26

@FairyCakeWings

Thank you, great post.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/02/2022 16:28

Have you thought the teacher is talking in the 3rd person rather than non binary?

It's not common/standard English to refer to a single person as 'they' in the third person when you know the actual person and his or her sex that you're talking about.

I'm emailing regarding Jessica, and the issues with them not completing their homework. This has happened a lot and I've spoken to them on numerous occasions.

Yes, my response to that would be to ask why Jessica is being singled out or has been made the spokeswoman/scapegoat when the whole class (or multiple members of the class) have reportedly not been completing their homework.

Heard your grandma's been poorly. How are they doing?

If you said that to me, I'd naturally assume you were referring to the medical team looking after her and say something like "Well, they've run some tests on her and are continuing to monitor her situation before they can decide when she'll be able to be discharged." Of course, 'they' could indeed just be referring to a single doctor or nurse, if you don't know their name and what sex they are.

If you said 'she' or 'her', it would be obvious that you meant Grandma. Language is designed/has developed as a sophisticated way of communication - why go out of your way to complicate matters and confuse people?

but the persons gender choice has already been stated by use of the word "grandma"

You're allowed more than one sex signifier! Just because you've already identified her as a female by calling her grandma, doesn't mean that you don't need to use female pronouns in continuing referring to her - the opposite, in fact.

Dovecare · 15/02/2022 16:29

I think she is cheeky. How dare the school force their standards on you. Write to the head.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/02/2022 16:35

But they are using a wrong pronoun - deliberately - if they refer to a single child of known/acknowledged male or female sex as 'they'. Why is 'they' seen as some kind of neutral default?

People used to just use 'he' as a 'neutral' pronoun for everybody, rather than have to bother thinking whether what they were saying also referred to females - should we have just continued doing that in modern speech and not expect any 'non-he' people to mind, care or object?

christinarossetti19 · 15/02/2022 16:36

Although this would piss me off no end, the fact that it's just this one teacher (who I would like to keep on side) means that I would probably let it go for the moment especially if my dd was not aware of it.

The teacher may or may not be invested in gender ideology - it may just be a habit she's developed over the years, so that she doesn't get it wrong.

Yes fucking irritating, but escalating it would be a sort of confirming the idea that pronouns used about you when you're not there are REALLY IMPORTANT and definitely MUCH MORE IMPORTANT that the content of the emails.

Oblomov22 · 15/02/2022 16:37

It would bother me. I don't think it's right.

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