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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

266 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 15/02/2022 13:16

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 15/02/2022 22:41

How the fuck do you expect every teacher in a secondary school to remember the gender identity of every kid they teach? Id much rather them just use gender neutral terms than have to remember them all individually.

I think you need to ask this to the people who think it's reasonable to state your preferred pronouns as it is gender ideology that is creating this issue.

I don't expect them to at all and think it's ridiculous and more than a bit self-centred to expect people to remember this for everyone. But that's what happens when we move away from he/she. I'd actually be up for a gender neutral alternative but 'they' isn't neutral especially now that is signals compliance with regressive sterotypes.

Marvellousmadness · 15/02/2022 22:54

Some people are so dismissive of what is happening. Just because teachers says they.
Imagine if they'd (hahaha no pun intended) sent an email saying HE when you have a daughter. Or the email says SHE when you have a son. Now that WOULD bother wouldn't it mmm?

Mumwithbaggage · 15/02/2022 23:11

Stuff I really can't bring myself to give a monkey's about. Sweat the big stuff, like why the teacher needs to email in the first place.

Teacher speaking here. Yes I'd refer to your dd as she/her but is that the main issue here?

Itstheprinciple · 16/02/2022 07:40

@Marvellousmadness

Some people are so dismissive of what is happening. Just because teachers says they. Imagine if they'd (hahaha no pun intended) sent an email saying HE when you have a daughter. Or the email says SHE when you have a son. Now that WOULD bother wouldn't it mmm?
No, I'd assume they'd made a mistake. Which is allowed.
BabyInTheJungle · 16/02/2022 07:48

Hmm I'm on the fence. I'm definitely gender critical, but my DD got a certificate home that said

'congratulations to Sophie! They have finished their first term in the Yellow Room'

It was a bit weird but as DD is 3 I assumed they have 50 cards to fill in and it's easier to have they rather than suggesting my DD was non binary...

I do get where you're coming from but I'd probably roll my eyes and not say anything more.

longwayoff · 16/02/2022 07:49

I wouldn't care.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2022 08:55

@Broads93

These are the pronouns teachers are made to use now. Unsure why it would upset you, unless you have a problem with the LGBTQ+ community?
How on earth do you come to this conclusion ? It’s not about having a ‘problem’ with LGBTQ+, it’s about a misgendering issue which is just as relevant.
Tillymintpolo · 16/02/2022 08:57

I teach 19 classes which, along with my form, is nearly 600 pupils, I don’t know all their names never mind preferred pronouns. This is the reality of teaching, and there was nothing wrong with the teacher’s email.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2022 09:02

Can you just imagine being that teacher, after a 12 hour day dealing with self important teenagers, bratty teenagers, bad behaviour, mountains of paperwork, then getting a complaint about something as pathetic as pronouns because they referred to a girl as "they".

So if the same teacher referred to a non binary pupil as he/she do you really think there wouldn’t be a similar complaint ? You either respect the choices of all or not at all.

Josephsrose · 16/02/2022 09:06

I agree with you OP.

It's gross.
Go for it.

AnnaSW1 · 16/02/2022 09:10

You sound like hard work!

Rosebuud · 16/02/2022 09:14

I really don’t understand some of these replies. It’s basic respect to use someone’s correct pronouns. I am a woman, my pronouns are she and her, I do not wish to be refered to as they or them. This is my basic right and we should all treat each other with respect. No teacher should be ignoring this and deciding to use different pronouns for a child. What the hell does that teach them?

LittleMG · 16/02/2022 09:17

You should be more worried about why she has emailed ie behaviour/lack of work?

OMG12 · 16/02/2022 09:28

Couldn’t get worked up about this, I hate people di testing what language others use. If we are using They/them as a singular pronoun now if someone wants to use it so what, you can keep calling your daughter she,

It’s about time people stopped expecting the world to revolve round them by controlling others speech (btw think most people can see this post for what it is)

OMG12 · 16/02/2022 09:29

Dictating not di testing

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2022 09:33

The pronouns they/them are third person plural. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they can only be applied in the singular as neutral, and are therefore appropriate to people who identify as gender neutral etc. So if the terminology is applied to someone who identifies as male or female and whose pronouns are he/she, then that is just as offensive as using terminology which refers to someone who is gender neutral by their biological sex. As far as I can see, we have allowed a minority group to hijack aspects of the language so that what used to be familiar terminology to us all, now means something totally different. If this is the world we choose to live in, then ‘they/them’ is no longer generic when used in the singular and should not be used as such - everyone’s preferred pronouns should be respected, not just those of the minority.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2022 09:37

@OMG12

Couldn’t get worked up about this, I hate people di testing what language others use. If we are using They/them as a singular pronoun now if someone wants to use it so what, you can keep calling your daughter she,

It’s about time people stopped expecting the world to revolve round them by controlling others speech (btw think most people can see this post for what it is)

The last sentence of your post intrigues me - I assume irony wasn’t what you were going for ?
Museumland · 16/02/2022 12:28

@BabyInTheJungle

Hmm I'm on the fence. I'm definitely gender critical, but my DD got a certificate home that said

'congratulations to Sophie! They have finished their first term in the Yellow Room'

It was a bit weird but as DD is 3 I assumed they have 50 cards to fill in and it's easier to have they rather than suggesting my DD was non binary...

I do get where you're coming from but I'd probably roll my eyes and not say anything more.

But could they just not have written " the children" or "the pupils"?
SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 12:38

@OMG12

Couldn’t get worked up about this, I hate people di testing what language others use. If we are using They/them as a singular pronoun now if someone wants to use it so what, you can keep calling your daughter she,

It’s about time people stopped expecting the world to revolve round them by controlling others speech (btw think most people can see this post for what it is)

Except, neither OP nor her DD seem to be ble to do that with this one person. Who, despite having been asked to respect DDs preferences is still not referring to her as she/her.

As others have said, teachers are now being told to use They/Theirs. That despite it not being any formal or legal guidance from the DfE. Rather it is from all sorts of self proclaimed expert organisations with an agenda that actually does include controlling of speech.

It is yet another example of the Stonewall guidance for being 'ahead of the law'. For which they are being rightly challenged, losing funding etc.

Branleuse · 16/02/2022 13:20

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

How the fuck do you expect every teacher in a secondary school to remember the gender identity of every kid they teach? Id much rather them just use gender neutral terms than have to remember them all individually.

I think you need to ask this to the people who think it's reasonable to state your preferred pronouns as it is gender ideology that is creating this issue.

I don't expect them to at all and think it's ridiculous and more than a bit self-centred to expect people to remember this for everyone. But that's what happens when we move away from he/she. I'd actually be up for a gender neutral alternative but 'they' isn't neutral especially now that is signals compliance with regressive sterotypes.

They might have started the issue, but doesnt mean we need to play tit for tat on the other side. Who honestly gives a fuck if the teacher hasnt acknowledged a kids sex in a letter? This is so petty. The teacher is not going to make any impact on anything.
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 16/02/2022 13:30

It's not giving tit for tat. Gender ideology is a dangerous ideology which is hurting our children. The issue is not 'not acknowledging their sex'. As I said, I'd actually be a supporter of a genuinely neutral pronoun. The issue is reinforcing a cult which is causing significant harm. 'They' does not mean what it used to. The issue is also the silencing of people who have a majority view which does not support the wishes of some people - mainly males.

So again the memory challenge thing is something gender ideologists need to address.

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 14:03

How the fuck do you expect every teacher in a secondary school to remember the gender identity of every kid they teach? Id much rather them just use gender neutral terms than have to remember them all individually.

Oddly, it's very easy. Teachers have been remembering the name preferences of students for hundreds of years. I never got it wrong because of the usual paperwork, including class registers and student profiles with such preferences written in them.

That's the job!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/02/2022 14:03

They might have started the issue, but doesnt mean we need to play tit for tat on the other side. Who honestly gives a fuck if the teacher hasnt acknowledged a kids sex in a letter? This is so petty. The teacher is not going to make any impact on anything.

The trans/NB issues are only one part of it, though. It's a basic common decency, regardless of that. Suppose your name was Miss Nesmith and the teacher sent you an email starting 'Dear Mrs Smith' - on the grounds that, if you're just going for the lowest common denominator, more school mums will be 'Mrs' and far more people are called Smith than Nesmith - would you be happy with that, even though it most certainly isn't your name?

There's a bit of a parallel, I think, with Wales and the Welsh language. Whenever first-language Welsh-speakers living in their own country object to signs, communications and the like being only in English, they've historically been slapped down with "Oh, don't you be so petty - you speak English, don't you? What a silly thing to complain about!"

Nobody whatsoever is objecting to monoglot/primary English speakers having things in their own language, when a preference is registered (for things like official letters) and for signs and notices in general being bilingual - BUT if a Welsh-speaker has clearly indicated their own preferred language (an official one in their own country) and it's just ignored by people who also speak the language fluently, but decide to overrule them with "Oh, English is 'neutral', so that'll just do for everybody, regardless" - how exactly do you think that would make you feel as an individual?

Tillymintpolo · 16/02/2022 14:43

How many classes do you have @SamphiretheStickerist ? I have 19 plus a form, that’s nearly 600 pupils

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 15:14

Does that mean you don't know all of your students by sight and name?

My numbers were not significantly lower, and I had to, so would assume you do to.