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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

266 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 15/02/2022 13:16

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 15/02/2022 16:38

Honestly I think it's just the norm now and is easier when the children change their pronouns regularly. My child uses they pronouns when referring to their friends now even if they're still she/he. Makes sure you're not misgendering someone.

If by 'misgendering' you mean referring to people by pronouns which aren't the ones by which they wish to be referred to, then no it does not avoid misgendering. I am a woman and wish to be referred to by the pronouns which match my sex - i.e. she, not they.

I suspect that when people talk about avoiding misgendering people, they really just mean avoiding offending only trans and non-binary people, but fuck everyone else (i.e. the vast, vast majority of human beings). That vast majority of individuals can damn well be called 'they' and 'cis' etc whether they like it it not.

MaggieMooh · 15/02/2022 16:41

I would make a complaint on principle. The teacher cannot refuse to use your child’s preferred pronouns, it’s misgendering.

GracieLouFreeebush · 15/02/2022 16:43

It's just another case of everyone having to conform to accommodate the minorities. It's annoying and insulting
It’s really not. It’s a case of emailing maybe 20 parents and it taking 15minutes out of a day rather than an hour. Meaning I can then focus on other aspects of my job that need doing and leaving work at a reasonable time.

DSGR · 15/02/2022 16:48

Actually I’d hate this and I’m as liberal as anyone. They should address them by their chosen pronouns!

jcyclops · 15/02/2022 16:49

You could ask parents of other pupils in the relevant class, or suggest your DD asks other pupils in the class, about emails the teacher in question has sent to them. You will see whether the teacher uses they/them for everybody.

downtonupton · 15/02/2022 16:50

.

Iwab82 · 15/02/2022 16:51

It wouldn't bother me. I think it's hard for teachers to keep up, this is the safe option.

Lovemydoggie · 15/02/2022 16:52

@JustWonderingIfYou

I agree with you actually.

If people can make such a fuss about being they/them you can make just as much fuss for she/her. More so as its actually factually correct.

I'd make a complaint just stating teacher is ignoring preferred pronouns- it's rude.

Agree 100%!
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2022 17:02

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

I've just had an email from my manager telling me I have to call a pupil they them as they are now non binary. However they don't wish parents to know so when speaking with parents we have to use the birth pronouns. I am not comfortable with this at all. As much as I wish to up hold the pupils wishes as a parent myself I'm not sure I would like this approach. It's so so hard to know what is right
The DfE guidelines changed in September 2021. I thought schools were no longer allowed to do this.

As for the op, I agree the they / them annoys me but I understand why. Teachers are under such pressure that this is not a hill to die on Imo.

AssemblySquare · 15/02/2022 17:05

OMG the comments on here are just confirming that leaving teaching is the right decision for me. I can’t be doing with the entitled batshittery displayed by parents and their offspring.

Instead of quibbling over this stuff, consider how the relentless moaning impacts on those of us at the chalk face. There are over 10000 teaching vacancies on www.tes.co.uk - parents like you OP are partly responsible!

Rosscameasdoody · 15/02/2022 17:05

It’s perfectly simple. If you support the rights of people not to be misgendered and to be addressed by their chosen pronouns, then that applies to everyone. Your child has as much right not to be misgendered as trans or non binary people and if the teacher has been alerted as to which pronouns your child prefers, ignoring that information is misgendering.

Tillymintpolo · 15/02/2022 17:07

@AssemblySquare

OMG the comments on here are just confirming that leaving teaching is the right decision for me. I can’t be doing with the entitled batshittery displayed by parents and their offspring.

Instead of quibbling over this stuff, consider how the relentless moaning impacts on those of us at the chalk face. There are over 10000 teaching vacancies on www.tes.co.uk - parents like you OP are partly responsible!

Completely agree
Rosscameasdoody · 15/02/2022 17:07

And this dilemma is what we have ended up with as a result of allowing a minority of people to wreak havoc with language for fear of offending them.

scammedmum29 · 15/02/2022 17:08

The teacher will be using a standard format to ensure they don’t misgender a pupil- they/them is generic and not exclusive to non binary people.
At least the teacher is communicating with you- give them a break.

Happy36 · 15/02/2022 17:11

If all students are being referred to as they in these kinds of e-mails then YABU. Similarly, teachers use 'Dear parents,' and 'Your child' to save time (and not accidentally use the wrong name).

Why does your child need so many e-mails? This would be my main focus as a parent.

Does the teacher call your DC "they" in person or she/her?

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 15/02/2022 17:13

She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work

I think your focus is on the wrong thing.

newnameforthis76 · 15/02/2022 17:15

Get a bloody grip. ‘They/them’ can refer to anyone of any gender. It doesn’t mean anyone is suggesting your precious daughter is non-binary. Grow up.

Museumland · 15/02/2022 17:18

I completely agree with you. I would find it incredibly annoying. I think the school should know that not everyone would like their child addressed in this way. Can't they use he/she/they thus catering to all.

SamphiretheStickerist · 15/02/2022 17:18

Yes, any gender. But OPs DD doesn't claim a gender, she is of the female sex, she!

Remember, it isn't women, GC or otherwise who are doing this to the language. If you don't think it matters then step aside for those, GC or Genderist, who do. You can join in when it affects you and you realise what the issue really is.

Seemssounfair · 15/02/2022 17:22

I assume the teacher is emailing about your child education, maybe focus on that instead of inoffensive pronouns.

FunnyTalks · 15/02/2022 17:27

If I was a teacher I would probably use "they /them" as standard for all pupils in comms such as this. It is not fair to expect teachers to remember individual pronouns for all pupils in an environment where pronouns are no longer based on sex. Teachers have a staggering work load on top of the week of actual teaching and often struggle to get an acceptable work life balance.

Personally I don't have a gender ID or believe they are innate. I respect the fact that other people believe differently, however I don't wish to participate in the performative aspects of their belief, in much the same way I don't attend church /mosque /synagogue etc.. Using "they /them" as standard is a safe way of not getting it too wrong, without being forced to say words I don't believe.

I can't think of a fairer way to deal with this current situation where trans rights activists have told schools that sex based pronouns are no longer acceptable, despite the fact not everyone has a gender ID. I think there's something fair about the way "they /them" will probably piss everyone off a little bit without overly insulting sensitive types!

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/02/2022 17:34

@JustWonderingIfYou

I agree with you actually.

If people can make such a fuss about being they/them you can make just as much fuss for she/her. More so as its actually factually correct.

I'd make a complaint just stating teacher is ignoring preferred pronouns- it's rude.

THIS.

If we're supposed to respect everyone's pronouns, it includes those who want their sex-specific ones, too.

tigger1001 · 15/02/2022 17:35

@Fatmax22

It would piss me off too, as long as DD wanted to be addressed by her chosen "pronouns" identifying as female she has that right. Doesn't anyone else see the irony here?
I agree.
WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 17:36

YABU
Stop projecting your issues onto your daughter.

No wonder the teacher hasn’t replied.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 17:38

It would piss me off too, as long as DD wanted to be addressed by her chosen "pronouns" identifying as female she has that right. Doesn't anyone else see the irony here?

Wow people are really reaching here.

If DD was a girl and the teacher kept saying he or she wanted to identify as male but the teacher kept saying she - than fair enough - but no one would have a problem with being called they.

I can’t believe anyone is actually trying to make this into a thing.
It’s actually quite embarrassing to read.

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