To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

[Sixmonthcruise]

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

@JustWonderingIfYou

I agree with you actually.

If people can make such a fuss about being they/them you can make just as much fuss for she/her. More so as its actually factually correct.

I'd make a complaint just stating teacher is ignoring preferred pronouns- it's rude.

I agree with this

Does this genuinely bother you or are you just trying to make a point because of how the school deals with this matter in other areas?

When we receive texts telling us that our DS has done well in something - using his name - whilst appreciating the thought, I do personally find it detracts form the presumed intention somewhat, and makes it less special. Maybe that's just me.

Even if they have somebody typing and sending the texts out manually (unlikely) and are sending them to all/lots of the class parents (likely), they would be using copy and paste or a template. How difficult would it be to send all the ones to the girls' parents using 'her' (still happy to change the names every time, apparently) and then change it to 'his' and do the ones for the boys' parents?

Surely she is just using it to refer to the 3rd person?! I do this at work, I will ‘they did this, they did that, they need to improve on this, they need to improve on that’ .. it has never crossed my mind that this would annoy anyone It’s also just far quicker when copying & pasting feedback for boys & girls to use they so I don’t accidentally forget to change the he/she.

If this bothers you, you have far far too much time on your hands. I doubt it’s even a pronoun thing, just 3rd person. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I bet the teachers at school love you 😂

Probably a cut and copy so the teacher can use the same for both sexes. If not it would wind me up, for the tiny percentage of non binary kids everyone else has to lose their identity?

How dare a school use someone actual name on award.. 😩 if they used ‘he’, you’d all be complaining it was impersonal. Give me strength. You are MASSIVELY overthinking & clearly actually do have a problem with the whole non-binary thing to be thinking about it this much. Just let schools do their thing & you keep your views from the 1950s to yourself.

Most of the software I use allows me to auto-populate a name from a spreadsheet or database ie [FirstName] but the software doesn't have a built in pronouns filter.

That sounds remarkably poor for the software writers not to have bothered to include that very basic function. It would be such a very basic thing to pick up from the [FirstName] field and then the [Sex] field, with a very simple rule to convert 'M', 'F' or 'X' / 'NB' / 'not specified' to the appropriate pronouns.

One teacher has had to send several emails to you about your child's school work in the space of a few weeks and you are only concerned about the generic pronouns the teacher uses.

Says it all really.

I had a letter from the government about child benefit today. It continually referred to my ds as “they”. I suppose it’s to avoid having 2 (or more) template letters for he/she and also not to offend people.

@KerryWeaver

One teacher has had to send several emails to you about your child's school work in the space of a few weeks and you are only concerned about the generic pronouns the teacher uses.

Says it all really.

Excellent point.

@Zolla

Surely she is just using it to refer to the 3rd person?! I do this at work, I will ‘they did this, they did that, they need to improve on this, they need to improve on that’ .. it has never crossed my mind that this would annoy anyone It’s also just far quicker when copying & pasting feedback for boys & girls to use they so I don’t accidentally forget to change the he/she.

If this bothers you, you have far far too much time on your hands. I doubt it’s even a pronoun thing, just 3rd person. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I bet the teachers at school love you 😂

Definitely this.

I imagine it is because she copy and pastes the emails.

I’ve always used they/them to describe an individual, long before I knew anything about a person being non-binary so I wouldn’t read too much into it as it could just be the language the teacher uses for everyone.
I would say this would depend on what pronouns the teacher using when’s speaking to your DD? Have you spoken to the teacher in person about it?

Surely she is just using it to refer to the 3rd person?! I do this at work, I will ‘they did this, they did that, they need to improve on this, they need to improve on that’

A teacher, of all people, should know that 'they' is only correctly AND commonly used as an individual third person pronoun when the person's sex is unknown or the person in question specifically prefers to be referred to by it.

Are you seriously suggesting that, if you mentioned to a native English speaker that your Grandmother had been taken to hospital and that person replied "How are they doing? I do hope they recover very soon", you wouldn't see anything at all odd in that?

I thought it was for anonymity.

My son's school refers to the children as "the pupil" or something in emails. Never their name. Never he/she. It's in case they accidentally email the wrong parent.

I was a teacher for over a decade. I used generic templates for some things but I changed both the pupil's name and the pronoun.

You can bet your house that this teacher would use she/her if the student was a male identifying as a female. Why isn't a biological female afforded the same rights?

they / them refers to singular person of either gender - always been the case

less clumsy than he / she and likely to cause less offence overall these days

Wouldn’t bother me.

Get off their case. They are under pressure from everyone to get things “right”. I use “they/them” because it’s been used for ages to refer to a person irrespective of gender. What’s your issue? Why do you want to create more problems for you and the school?

Please don’t complain about the teacher in front of your daughter. When parents don’t respect teachers, their children don’t either.

I'm not sure I would have even noticed. I think I'd be more concerned about the school work issue.

YANBU OP. It is very disrespectful. They/them is so confusing in everyday speech and will only become more so.

DC has a friend who is NB and the family are not very supportive. A snapshot of our recent convo -

DC - No their family wont be there at the event, they dont agree with them
Me - Ah, that must be very difficult for them, are they ok with that?
DC- Who?
Me - Them obviously.
DC - the family "them" or Sam's "them"
Me - Sam's "them"
DC - no they are very upset.
Me- Why are they like that I wonder
DC - Because their family isnt supportive!!! Of course they are upset, Mum!
Me - No - I mean why are the family like that about them! They cant help it if that is how they feel
DC - So you are agreeing with them then
Me - No, I mean Sam cant help how they feel!

(at this point we both gave up, but it seems daft to keep using the name)

It became like a (v unfunny) comedy sketch

Have you thought the teacher is talking in the 3rd person rather than non binary?

@amnm

I think it's very possible she has a standard template she uses for pupils which will refer to they/them, rather than he/him & she/her to avoid having to change the email for each student.

I don't really think this is meant to suggest your dd is non-binary.

These are my thoughts too! I think you've read way too much into it, teachers are emailing hundreds of parents it's a chance they do it as standard for ease on their part.....which to he honest I don't begrude a teacher trying to make their life a little easier at the moment.

I was referred to as they / them when I was in school 25 years ago.

@Fatmax22

It would piss me off too, as long as DD wanted to be addressed by her chosen "pronouns" identifying as female she has that right. Doesn't anyone else see the irony here?

Yep. Yet another example of addressing the wants of the few at the expense of the many. If the teacher was addressing everyone as he/she in the emails and someone objected to that, it would be changed pronto.