To have hoped the teacher would respect our wishes

[Sixmonthcruise]

Dd is 13/year 9.
Firstly, I know it must be difficult for schools when dealing with and addressing 1500+ pupils but one of her teachers is really getting my back up.
She has sent me several emails over recent weeks regarding dd’s school work but when she mentions my dd it is always in a non-binary way (ie they/them).
I have replied back a few times to state that dd is NOT non-binary and she wishes to be addressed as she/her.
However, she never replies back after my requests and with each subsequent email still refers to dd as they/them.
I know it may not be a big thing for many but it is really annoying me.
Dd does not wish to be non-binary (she has no issue with anyone who wants to be), she is more than happy with the sex she was born into and loves being female. She recognises and happily accepts she is she/her.

Would you be happy for your child to be continually addressed as them/they when you have specifically asked for the teacher not to?

I'm as anti non-binary as they come, and this wouldn't bother me nearly as much as getting to the bottom of why my daughter is needing so many email communication between the school and family.

"No other teacher uses they/them in their correspondence and neither do 16 year old DS’s teachers.
It’s just this one."

Op has been very clear here - none of the other teachers do this. So all this insistence that it comes from generic templates cut and pasted doesn't stand up does it?
I think it very sad that so many people don't consider that a young woman doesn't have as much right to choose how she is referred to as anyone else.

It is also unacceptable that the teacher is completely ignoring the emails Op has sent.

I work in schools. I understand the pressures they are under. This however is not acceptable.

I think it's very disrespectful of the teacher/the school as a whole. Woman/she/her are not dirty words, and the school should be encouraging children to be comfortable in their own skin and biological sex, whilst also providing support to those who are struggling.

Discrimination is unacceptable no matter which way it is, and if DD feels uncomfortable being referred to in a non binary way the school should respect her views, in the same way they would respect and support a student who was uncomfortable with their biological sex and preferred to be acknowledged as non binary.

I'd be irritated too, but not for the same reason as the OP.

'They/them' is the plural, so using it for one person (unless specifically requested to do so) is grammatically incorrect. I don't think schools should be making basic grammatical errors in their correspondence.

I'd ask your dd.
Is she annoyed at her being referred as They/their rather she even though she isn't no binary?
What is the teacher doing in the classroom? Is she using they/them all the time for everyone or is she actually using the right pronouns for everyone, incl your dd?

Then I'd take it from there.

But tbh I think the teacher is wrong. People who eant to be refferred as she/her or he/his should be as respected in their wishes to use the right pronoums as those who are no binary etc....

Now it is quite possible that for the teachers, it's sometimes a bit of minefield of they have teenagers that keep changing their mind about pronoums. Buit the fact she isn't changing the way she is talking about your dd after being corrected is not OK.

They/ them is just a way of referring to the third person. It is not exclusive to non binary people.

It's only used for an individual in the third person if they/their sex is not known - unless they have specifically requested to be referred to as they. Many, many people find it disrespectful, dismissive and even offensive to be referred to personally as 'they' when their sex is clear and known:

Mass letter: "Your child will be doing PE on Thursdays, so please make sure they bring their kit in with them" = standard use of 'they/them';

Individual letter: "Olivia has informed us of their asthma diagnosis, so we will ensure that their inhaler is kept safely in the office for when they need it" = poor/discriminatory use of language (assuming that Olivia does not identify as NB).

I don't buy the suggestion that they can't personalise, as the school send out regular positive texts to parents (primary school) saying e.g. "William did very well in their Spanish test today". How come they're able to personalise/auto-populate a text from any number of possible names, but not to link that with one of two/three pronouns?

The school/teacher could just as easily put he/she, but they obviously don't do this as they don't want to offend the small minority of NB children - but in so doing, happily offend the vast majority of children by referring to them with the standard NB pronoun.

I know I'll be called a crusty old dinosaur, but I feel the same about 'partners' being used as a catch-all to supposedly refer to all couples. Originally, forms would say 'spouse' or 'husband/wife', which did indeed unfairly exclude and 'other' those in relationships who weren't married; BUT instead of doing the obvious inclusive thing by saying 'spouse/partner', it was 'officially' decided that the majority and those choosing the 'traditional' route could simply give up their own clearly-expressed identities and have to make do with being referred to based upon somebody else's identity, which they're informed is supposedly 'neutral' and just shut up and go away if you disagree.

*the school

OUR child's school - can't speak for any others

It would piss me off too..

I don't think it's something worth getting upset over, OP.

eyeroll

Op has been very clear here - none of the other teachers do this. So all this insistence that it comes from generic templates cut and pasted doesn't stand up does it?

I have my own document full of templates. I update it as I go, copying and pasting my most common emails/responses into the document for my own use. They are not given to me by my employer to use, they are my own work and it saves me time when my inbox/to-do list is flooded with identical items.

I don't think it's something worth getting upset over, OP.

And yet, if it were a non-binary-identifying child being referred to as he or she, based on his/her biological sex, I somehow can't imagine them being happy to just ignore it.

Does this genuinely bother you or are you just trying to make a point because of how the school deals with this matter in other areas?

It might mildly irritate me but I would struggle to care about this.

Yes I agree with you. They should save that for people who want to be addressed as those labels.

Yes, I'd be fine with it. Probably copy / paste or template and less offensive than an accidental mis-sexing.

Nobody owns the English language or has the right to prescribe thought. Whilst people can ask for preferred pronouns so long as there is no bullying or abuse, it's not compulsory to use them.

Are you not concerned with the issues your daughter is having that requires the school to be constantly emailing you then?

Many people on this thread have used they/them though. Instead of 'the teacher' or 'the teachers'. I would never have given this a second thought as a parent or teacher.

It would irritate me, but I wouldn’t put too much energy into it. It’s either one teachers idea of a good idea ( that isn’t) , a school policy ( ditto), or it’sa generic pro forma type letter that gets sent out.

I wouldn’t care too much about this, and the whole thing annoys me when it comes to children in school.
My son came out of school with a him/he badge on, I asked him if he forgot he was a boy today and he said no the teacher said we have to wear them, I said why and he said I dunno he just does.

It went in the bin and I said if he wants to ask tell him he can contact me where he will be told to Fuck/piss off.

Year 7 and they’ve not even told them why they want them to wear these badges but they HAVE to lol no thank you.

I've just had an email from my manager telling me I have to call a pupil they them as they are now non binary. However they don't wish parents to know so when speaking with parents we have to use the birth pronouns. I am not comfortable with this at all. As much as I wish to up hold the pupils wishes as a parent myself I'm not sure I would like this approach. It's so so hard to know what is right

I had a similar last year we had a certificate saying 'she has been awarded this because of xyz' just before Christmas she had another one stating ' they have been awarded this because of xyz'. I felt a real rage inside. I didn't raise it but it really grated on me. She's in primary school.

Just to add this was handwritten

This would irritate me.

Choose the pronouns you wish. If some can insist on being called then/they then your daughter should be able to insist on she/her.

Works both ways.

I don't buy the suggestion that they can't personalise, as the school send out regular positive texts to parents (primary school) saying e.g. "William did very well in their Spanish test today". How come they're able to personalise/auto-populate a text from any number of possible names, but not to link that with one of two/three pronouns?

Most of the software I use allows me to auto-populate a name from a spreadsheet or database ie [FirstName] but the software doesn't have a built in pronouns filter. In our case we manually amend pronouns if being specific such as
"[FirstName] was having a tough time today and expressed his/her wishes that..."
but if it was a general message to all ie
"Please remember to tell [FirstName] that they will need their PE kit tomorrow"
I wouldn't bother amending the pronouns.

How are children supposed to learn English language when their school perpetually fucks it up?