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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strippers

280 replies

blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:23

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 15/02/2022 17:52

@tygga

Yep this, they all go. And if you're the one who 'forbids' it, best believe they will all group together to pull the wool over your eyes, and encourage him to do his worst.

That's not true of everyone. I know men who haven't gone or don't stay long for a number of reasons, not their scene, they are tight, their partners don't like it, etc It doesn't bother the others who enjoy it. Maybe it would if they were very young.

It’s pretty much true though. I mean it really is.
teezletangler · 15/02/2022 17:54

DP takes clients and will sometimes go if he's being taken out as a client. He will always say if that's where he ends up

Jesus, what kind of business is this? Taking clients to strip clubs in 2022?

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2022 17:56

Yep this, they all go. And if you're the one who 'forbids' it, best believe they will all group together to pull the wool over your eyes, and encourage him to do his worst.

I really don’t think this is true at all, except in the young and immature / those who are sexually inexperienced. I know a lot of men, many of whom have done the whole stag do strip club thing, and broadly it’s just seen as a tradition you go along with but hardly something they were raring to do to the point that they’d have taken delight in making sure those of the group who didn’t want to go went and “did their worst.”

Agrudge · 15/02/2022 17:58

@teezletangler

DP takes clients and will sometimes go if he's being taken out as a client. He will always say if that's where he ends up

Jesus, what kind of business is this? Taking clients to strip clubs in 2022?

Sometimes they are the only places left open after a while . If people want carry on drinking that's where they will go. Thats how 90% of woman end up in a strip club because it's the only place open
tygga · 15/02/2022 17:58

It’s pretty much true though. I mean it really is.

How can it be true of everyone? Why if someone isn't interested in a particular activity for whatever reason would the rest of the group be offended or bothered by that unless as I said they were very young?

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 17:59

I really don’t think this is true at all, except in the young and immature / those who are sexually inexperienced

I don’t think it’s just the young ones. Of the men who would often tell me that their partners would kill them if they knew where they were/ asked me to dance away from them so they didn’t smell like my perfume, the majority I would say were middle aged.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2022 17:59

Only place open or not, I cannot imagine a single situation in my professional life in which it would ever be appropriate to suggest to the CTO and General Counsel that we pop along to a strip club to continue the night Confused

MostTacticalNameChange · 15/02/2022 17:59

@Chestofdraws

So what if some of it is insecurity

I mean this gently but your post, complete with crudity would indicate for you, it’s all insecurity.

Typing 'labia' is no where near the "crudity" that actually occurs in strip clubs but you don't call them crude?

I'm not insecure because I don't have a partner that uses strip clubs. If I did and they were paying to deliberate look at or interact with semi clad very attractive women, too right I would be insecure. I do not see that as a failure of my character, more a completely natural reaction which women are shamed for feeling so men can keep getting their kicks without the guilt of upsetting their partners.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 18:01

Also the men who were worried about making card transactions because they were concerned about what would show on their bank statements were almost always men in their 40s and above. Presumably because the younger ones didn’t share finances yet.

tygga · 15/02/2022 18:06

I don’t think it’s just the young ones. Of the men who would often tell me that their partners would kill them if they knew where they were/ asked me to dance away from them so they didn’t smell like my perfume, the majority I would say were middle aged.

But were they coerced by the friends who wanted pull the wool over your eyes, and encourage him to do his worst? Middle aged men don't tend to hit strip clubs in groups in the same way younger men do or at least that wasn't my experience.

Cognoscenti · 15/02/2022 18:07

[quote LuckyAmy1986]**@Cognoscenti* @blackangel9* ah so he because you neeeed the food and clothes grown by kids who are forced to produce them for you, you can just block that bit out. Because there’s an item in between yourselves and said child slave right? You don’t really have to face it?[/quote]
@LuckyAmy1986 No, that was an example. In my previous post, I mentioned that we grow most of our own food and shop/receive goods locally (we are lucky to be from a farming family and know a lot of local producers). So personally I don't buy unethical products, and if I do buy from elsewhere, luckily, we can afford to pay more. Our situation isn't really the norm, I suppose.
However a lot of people can't for whatever reason. My point was, you can hardly equate someone feeding their family on "unethical" produce to avoid starvation, to someone using a strip club. I mean, I've just never heard of someone having to attend a strip club as a customer to survive. 🤷‍♀️

tygga · 15/02/2022 18:07

@OhItsSpicyy I don't think anyone is arguing that some men go & don't want their partners to find out. I'm certainly not.

GalesThisMorning · 15/02/2022 18:08

[quote LuckyAmy1986]@GalesThisMorning bullshit! You might and good for you. But I bet most people on this thread are clicking on Amazon left right and centre without a care about where the stuff comes from or how it’s produced[/quote]
I don't understand your reasoning @LuckyAmy1986. Buying clothes that have been produced unethically is harmful. Supporting the commodification of women's bodies is also harmful. Shouldn't we all try to reduce harm as much as possible?

If I buy a onesie from primark I don't then figure, oh well I've fucked it all up, might as well exploit all the vulnerable people I can now.

tygga · 15/02/2022 18:11

Only place open or not, I cannot imagine a single situation in my professional life in which it would ever be appropriate to suggest to the CTO and General Counsel that we pop along to a strip club to continue the night

Tbf I've ended up in strip clubs with colleagues & because of late opening times although certainly not recently.

I once ended up (unknowingly) in high end brothel in Barcelona whilst looking for a late night bar!

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 18:11

But were they coerced by the friends who wanted pull the wool over your eyes, and encourage him to do his worst? Middle aged men don't tend to hit strip clubs in groups in the same way younger men do or at least that wasn't my experience.
All of the clubs I worked in there was plenty of groups of middle aged men. These are the spenders. This was who the girls made beelines for as they were much more likely to want to go straight to VIP. These were often the men who aren’t allowed in clubs and their friends will cover for them too.

IME- almost every man alone was middle aged or older.

Younger men are much more likely to come in groups, don’t spend as much, might come more begrudgingly to dances, and are much more respectful of dancers. But again, that’s only my experience.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 18:13

Also just to add my two pence into the convo. Even as a dancer I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting your partner to go to a club. Regardless of the reason.

BABAHOTEL · 15/02/2022 18:16

@DropYourSword

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN. Hmm

Are you not concerned about the trafficking of women who work there? It's not all About your feelings about your OH.
OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 18:17

Oh, sorry for the multiple posts but I also found the ‘Middle Aged men’ group much more likely to pay for their friends to have dances! Presumably because £50- £100 for those in their twenties and not advanced in their careers is quiet a large % of their night our budget.

tygga · 15/02/2022 18:21

@OhItsSpicyy but would they be bothered if one man wasn't interested in going

ChargingBuck · 15/02/2022 18:21

So what if some of it is insecurity

I mean this gently but your post, complete with crudity would indicate for you, it’s all insecurity.

So ... @MostTacticalNameChange's factual description of the crudity that happens in strip clubs is the problem, not the crudity itself?
And this would prove "insecurity" rather than having an issue with the sex industry... how, @Chestofdraws?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/02/2022 18:24

Honest response: I would be aghast that a man I was in a relationship with wanted to watch naked women gyrate in front of them or even have a private dance with all that it entails.

I wouldn’t want my partner to be sexually turned on by it, to waste money on a strip club or be a sleazy perv.

Other men can do it - just not one who comes home to me.

On one level I don’t like the thought of why women are doing this and would hate my daughter to end up stripping. But on a more personal level I don’t want to be with a man who thinks going to a strip joint is fine.

I appreciate many women are fine with strip clubs but I’m not one of them.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/02/2022 18:25

I would ask "would your DH be happy if one of your DDs worked in a strip club, or if you did? How would he feel if your DS met a girl and this was her job? Would you be happy if one of your friends worked as a stripper? or perhaps your babysitter, or the TA at school? If it's a great fun way to make money is it OK for his sister etc?" Would he still visit the strip club if he knew one of the girls in another capacity? Would he be cool if one of his friends met a new girlfriend and she worked as a stripper?

If the answer is no to any of the above then he shouldn't go.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 18:27

[quote tygga]@OhItsSpicyy but would they be bothered if one man wasn't interested in going [/quote]
Considering it’s the older men who come in with the intention to spend, I actually would have to say yes.

I’m not sure how a group of younger men could encourage him to do his worst? when ime they often don’t spend much money between them, and just come for the atmosphere of the club. Or more annoyingly to sit there and tell dancers all night ‘we don’t buy dances’. Hmm

Baddit · 15/02/2022 18:36

Ew no. The older I get, the more I'm aware of the imbalance in power and just how cringe it is. Plus it's funny how everyone reckons their DH is the 'good' one on these stag dos. Lol

tygga · 15/02/2022 18:37

I would have to say my experiences are different. I know men who like strip clubs & men who don't. The ones that do don't care if the others have no interest.

Or more annoyingly to sit there and tell dancers all night ‘we don’t buy dances’. Ha, this is my brother who stopped going in his early 20s. He's tight af, this is the man who despite landing a graduate job at a top law firm that was very well paid would lick my hand to share a stamp for discounted drinks/entry whilst visiting me at uni 😱😆. He's still bloody tight!

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