Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strippers

280 replies

blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:23

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 15/02/2022 18:41

@GalesThisMorning of course. And you may shop ethically but my point was about people turning a blind eye to people being exploited when it suits them but only seem to give a shit if it’s related to their DH doing something that upsets them! Do you get where im coming from?

OpheliaThrupps · 15/02/2022 18:57

[quote LuckyAmy1986]@GalesThisMorning of course. And you may shop ethically but my point was about people turning a blind eye to people being exploited when it suits them but only seem to give a shit if it’s related to their DH doing something that upsets them! Do you get where im coming from?[/quote]
I've noticed this very strongly on Mumsnet. Threads on cocaine and prostitutes are besieged with moral indignation about supply chains, and crusaders for social justice. Not so much threads about iPhones and fashion.

pheonixrebirth · 15/02/2022 19:05

My ex (early 40,s at the time) went to a couple but for the most part didn't enjoy it, he said he knew at the end of the day that the girls wouldn't take a second look at him in real life and that he ended up just feeling like a bit of a fool. On the other hand a much younger colleague he was with was utterly convinced that he was going to marry one particular dancer! 😂🤔
On a different side of things I have a colleague who does security at a 'gentleman's' club at the weekend. He's gay so I feel that I can trust his experience. He says that the club is very strict about the no touch rule, the men will get warned but if they prove themselves to be a problem then they get booted out.
And when there is a private dance the security have to stand close by to keep an eye on things. I was more shocked that he more recently had to throw one of the dancers out, because he had witnessed her give a guy the come on and kiss him!
She was sacked on the spot. His job also means that after lock up the security and club manager make sure all the girls get a taxi or are escorted back to their cars.
I'm obviously aware that this isn't the same everywhere.

SisterAgatha · 15/02/2022 19:11

Equating the woman to a 7 year old in Bangladesh forced to make your T-shirt. Not equating the woman to the T-shirt

The woman in this instance is both the worker AND the product being sold.

DoctorManhattan · 15/02/2022 19:20

I’m male and I really don’t enjoy strip clubs, so it’s not beyond the realms of impossibility that your oh doesn’t either. They’re false and sleazy places and I found the whole experience uncomfortable. Can’t imagine I will ever be back in one

thewooster · 15/02/2022 19:22

@pheonixrebirth

My ex (early 40,s at the time) went to a couple but for the most part didn't enjoy it, he said he knew at the end of the day that the girls wouldn't take a second look at him in real life and that he ended up just feeling like a bit of a fool. On the other hand a much younger colleague he was with was utterly convinced that he was going to marry one particular dancer! 😂🤔 On a different side of things I have a colleague who does security at a 'gentleman's' club at the weekend. He's gay so I feel that I can trust his experience. He says that the club is very strict about the no touch rule, the men will get warned but if they prove themselves to be a problem then they get booted out. And when there is a private dance the security have to stand close by to keep an eye on things. I was more shocked that he more recently had to throw one of the dancers out, because he had witnessed her give a guy the come on and kiss him! She was sacked on the spot. His job also means that after lock up the security and club manager make sure all the girls get a taxi or are escorted back to their cars. I'm obviously aware that this isn't the same everywhere.
Sacked for kissing one of the saddos. Has to be more to this story.
OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 19:25

Dancers definitely get sacked for kissing customers! I’ve seen it happen lots. I’ve also seen girls get warnings for talking to the customers that are loitering around after the club closes, as this can look like they’re exchanging numbers etc.

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/02/2022 19:44

The woman in this instance is both the worker AND the product being sold

But that doesn’t mean the child making the product works any less does it? It doesn’t change that fact.

So is your problem the fact that men thinking they can buy women? Like, they own them?

Because I’m pretty sure that’s how adults in some countries will view these child slaves they have. That they own them. To them, the child working for them IS their product, they’re belonging, they’re properly. It’s just that this child making t shirts for us isn’t OUR product. Doesn’t mean they aren’t someone else’s does it? The buck is just further down the line!

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/02/2022 19:44

*Their property

pheonixrebirth · 15/02/2022 19:58

@thewooster nothing more to it than that.
Like I said, he said that they are really strict about the no touching rules and that applies to the dancers and the customers.
My guess is that it's a slippery slope to other stuff and that's not what they want happening in their club.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 20:02

[quote pheonixrebirth]@thewooster nothing more to it than that.
Like I said, he said that they are really strict about the no touching rules and that applies to the dancers and the customers.
My guess is that it's a slippery slope to other stuff and that's not what they want happening in their club. [/quote]
My last club fined me £20 for chewing gum on the floor Grin

CaptSkippy · 15/02/2022 20:42

@GalesThisMorning

We live in a world where young women's bodies are objectified and commodified. I don't like that, it doesn't turn me on, and I wouldn't be with a man who perpetuated it.

All these resoponses of, 'he's not really into it, he won't get turned on, he just doesn't want to spoil the party...' what the fuck? If he's not into the objectification of women, he should say so. If he doesn't get turned on by watching possibly trafficked young women dancing for money, he should say so. He SHOULD have the balls to spoil the party when the party is damaging and gross.

When are men going to start speaking up aginst the commodification of women? For what it's worth, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Exactly.

And it's not very attractive if a grown men is such a coward that he still yields to peer-pressure. It is sad enough if teenagers do it, but for grown men it is absolutely pathetic.

CourtRand · 15/02/2022 21:23

I think it would be very dependant on the situation. I would not like my partner to go to strip clubs frequently nor to choose to go to one for a birthday etc.

I would accept it if he was at a friends stag or something and they wanted to go and so he went along with them. I would not be ok with him having a private dance, touching one of them (to give money etc) or spending more than say £50 there.

Those would be my boundaries because I wouldn't want to make him feel like he wasn't free to join an event with his mates but I wouldn't want him to be a fan or frequenter of strip clubs. And if he wants to spend money on a woman it can be on me 😂

pheonixrebirth · 15/02/2022 21:25

@OhItsSpicyy
The cheeky beggars 😂
I got fined £150 for putting a cig out on the street, I did try to find a bin but the council had removed them all. 😫

Opus17 · 15/02/2022 21:30

My ex went to strip clubs. I found it seedy and revolting, so clearly not something I'm ok with.
I remember thinking I had to find a way to be ok with it seeing as every man goes to these (I was only 19...) My mum said to me "opus... Not every man does". I genuinely didn't realise that.

Took me some time but having such a difference of opinion on things like strip clubs was one reason I left. I didn't want the father of my kids going to these places. I found DH who doesn't like strip clubs and my mum was right!

BABAHOTEL · 15/02/2022 21:55

@CourtRand

I think it would be very dependant on the situation. I would not like my partner to go to strip clubs frequently nor to choose to go to one for a birthday etc.

I would accept it if he was at a friends stag or something and they wanted to go and so he went along with them. I would not be ok with him having a private dance, touching one of them (to give money etc) or spending more than say £50 there.

Those would be my boundaries because I wouldn't want to make him feel like he wasn't free to join an event with his mates but I wouldn't want him to be a fan or frequenter of strip clubs. And if he wants to spend money on a woman it can be on me 😂

So all about how you feel about your partner and how he treats you? Not about how he treats other women, that may be trafficked or forced into having to look happy dancing naked in front of your partner?

It's all a case of I'm alright Jack?

OneTC · 15/02/2022 22:22

Never been to one, never would. Went on a stag do once (got invited by one of the guests not the bloke getting married who I didn't know very well) and later in the night they said we'd go to a strip club and me and a mate left and went to a warehouse rave instead

Really can't imagine going to one, both morally and just cos the whole concept seems so weird. Naked bodies are great when they're in bed with you, or walking round your house, I went to a festival one time and it turned out that quite a few people didn't wear clothes for the whole thing and that didn't feel that weird, but going to a room with a load of blokes to look at naked women dancing. no ta it's just odd

MyGPsurgeryisUseless · 15/02/2022 22:25

I honestly can’t say I’m bothered about it, I’m sure Dh has been a few times before we met and went to one on a stag do a few years ago.

I don’t think he particularly enjoyed it. I get the impression from him he found it himself feeling very uncomfortable, it really isn’t his idea of fun.

I’ve been to a few strip clubs, and they seemed ok best not ask how I ended up at one considering I wasn’t supposed to be there not quite what I was expecting.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 16/02/2022 08:17

Sorry I haven't relied for a while, I'll get to that shortly.

As you can imagine things are quite hectic with the kids/pets on my own lol

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 16/02/2022 09:32

@DropYourSword

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN. Hmm

Totally the same as me. Just can't get worked up about it.
Lanareyrey · 16/02/2022 09:37

Doesn’t bother me in the slightest…

Norgie · 16/02/2022 09:45

I think my DH must be the only bloke in the world who went to a strip club with his mates and promptly fell asleep with boredom, which he still gets ribbed about today.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 16/02/2022 20:06

@tygga

strip clubs don't really bother me but I do find lap dances a bit weird. In most scenarios having a naked/nearly naked man or woman "on you" would be inappropriate (if in an relationship) but it's fine if you are paying for it!
I completely agree with your stance on lap dances! It just doesn't sit right with me that it's acceptance just because money is handed over.
OP posts:
Original poster
blackangel9 · 16/02/2022 20:10

@OhItsSpicyy

So knowing what a lap dance etc entails and the type of men that attend such places you'd still be happy with your OH going?

Yes. Girls are just trying to make money. I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Especially if he was going in a group, it’s the men who go alone who are more worrying and have higher ‘expectations’ of the dancers. I can say wholeheartedly I never wanted to sleep with a customer so that part wouldn’t worry me.

I worked all over but mainly in Manchester and all the clubs have lines on the floor three feet away from where the customer sits and you aren’t allowed to move in front of them whilst dancing. The other clubs I worked at that didn’t have these had rules in them that if you were giving a ‘lap’ dance then you have to keep knickers on.

I never allowed touching, ever. Most girls don’t. It actually caused lots of fights between girls because they would tell customers that touching was allowed in VIP (obviously it wasn’t) just to get them there, and then obviously not allow them to touch them. But it wasn’t fair on the rest of us who didn’t lie to customers. All the clubs I worked in had security watching the dances and there would usually be a hostess on every shift watching the camera too to make sure no touching or money is exchanged. If a man was getting too handsy he would get a warning before getting booted out and if the girl was allowing it she would either be fined or banned from the club depending on what she was doing.

I know that the girls are just doing a job and aren't trying to sleep with the customer, thst doesn't bother me in the slightest as I know that's not the case. It's the thought of a naked women grinding over DH that I find uneasy, I know they aren't interested in him which makes it worse in my opinion.

I can see how frustrating it must have been for the girls if others were doing "extras"!

Would your opinion change if it was a strip club (say Amsterdam/Prague) where touching is allowed and it's much more sexual contact involved?

OP posts:
Original poster
blackangel9 · 16/02/2022 20:12

@heathspeedwell

I kind of understand the women who are saying they don't really think it's a problem because they trust their OH etc. I probably felt much the same way before I really thought about it. It wasn't until my DH went to a club that the reality dawned and we were both genuinely shocked at how exploitative it was.

It's not just the strippers who are treated really badly - the whole strip club experience encourages a mindset of men treating all women - strippers, wives or girlfriends as a subset of people to be used, lied to and laughed about.

I'm happy to say that rather than just going along with the crowd, my DH would now see it as his responsibility to encourage the whole group to do something else entirely. When he was best man recently they all went clay pigeon shooting.

That's great that your DH didn't just follow the crowd and took a stand for what he thought was right.

The whole exploitation aspect of it makes me feel even worse!

OP posts: