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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strippers

280 replies

blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:23

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
Wonderfulstuff · 15/02/2022 16:09

For reasons I won't go into, I've been to quite a few strip clubs. I saw men split into two categories - those that lost their minds and wallets and those that felt embarrassed by the whole thing. I also saw a lot of bullying by the former of the latter. From my experience the women who worked there were making money and doing well for themselves from the men that were happily splurging on their skills and sales techniques (they are the queens of the upsell). However I am well aware that this isn't always the case.

If my DH decided to go I'd be shocked as it's not his thing but also wouldn't give a monkeys providing he didn't spend a single penny on dances or booze... it really is eye wateringly expensive.

Crayzeefrog · 15/02/2022 16:10

It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. You’re trying to talk yourself into it and are still not sure. If he goes you are going to feel off about it even if you say you’re happy for him to go. Do you know any of the other wives/girlfriends of the men going? Any chance of chatting to them about it? They might be on the same page as you

SisterAgatha · 15/02/2022 16:13

*LuckyAmy1986

@SisterAgatha ah so the food picked by a young child forced into it in a country far far away for pennies, or nothing. Is ok? Because it’s just good?*

Did he do that job with his penis? If so it’s not the same.

Agrudge · 15/02/2022 16:20

@SisterAgatha

*LuckyAmy1986

*@SisterAgatha ah so the food picked by a young child forced into it in a country far far away for pennies, or nothing. Is ok? Because it’s just good?

Did he do that job with his penis? If so it’s not the same.

So where do you draw the line? What's acceptable to when it comes to exploitation?
SisterAgatha · 15/02/2022 16:22

I make ethical choices where I can. But going out of one’s way to exploit a woman for sexual gratification, seems quite different to accidentally buying the wrong type of cotton t shirt.

Cognoscenti · 15/02/2022 16:24

The point about food being unethical is a bit of a straw man argument imo.

If I try as hard as I can to buy only ethically produced food, for example, but can't (due to something such as being unable to afford it or it not being available to me for whatever reason), I need to eat. My options are buy that food, or starve.

I don't need to go to a strip club, I can easily survive without going to one. So any money spent there is completely by choice, never necessity.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 16:26

The latest arguments re ethical food choices etc don't really come into the same level. Yes these are also a problem but men aren't paying to get sexually satisfied by them. There's one thing to need food and clothes and another to have wank fodder.

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 15/02/2022 16:28

I also find that argument equates a woman to an object such as a garment or a lettuce and is quite distasteful.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 16:40

Doesn’t bother me because I danced to support myself through my undergrad.

Stripperyone · 15/02/2022 16:48

I have been a stripper for 15 years on and off (more on).

Although I cannot possible know 100%, I would bet my house on no women I've ever worked with having been trafficked.
There were some vulnerable ones for whom austerity/background/unfortunate circumstances meant they were not going to easily find a different job of course. But I really don't think trafficking is a common feature. Prostituted women yes, strippers no.

Stripperyone · 15/02/2022 16:48

(Name changed regular BTW).

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 16:50

@Stripperyone

I have been a stripper for 15 years on and off (more on).

Although I cannot possible know 100%, I would bet my house on no women I've ever worked with having been trafficked.
There were some vulnerable ones for whom austerity/background/unfortunate circumstances meant they were not going to easily find a different job of course. But I really don't think trafficking is a common feature. Prostituted women yes, strippers no.

I have to agree with you. I haven’t danced since Jan 2020 but I found a lot of girls towards the end of my dancing career were actually small influencers with thousands of followers who were savvy business women!
Agrudge · 15/02/2022 16:52

@OhItsSpicyy

Doesn’t bother me because I danced to support myself through my undergrad.
It couldnt be by your own free choice In the eyes of one poster you were a:

vulnerable woman being for sex or sexual titillation is that's coercive at best, abusive at worst.

tygga · 15/02/2022 16:53

One of my classmates at uni was seeing someone who went to strip clubs. She hated it but didn't feel comfortable saying so much back then. She used to tell him she didn't like it but he would downplay it. So she got a job in the strip club, he hit the roof & her argument was I shouldn't be bothered by you going so why are you bothered by me dancing there. They did break up soon after but it made me laugh.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 16:55

@OhItsSpicyy

Doesn’t bother me because I danced to support myself through my undergrad.
So knowing what a lap dance etc entails and the type of men that attend such places you'd still be happy with your OH going?
OP posts:
OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 16:55

It couldnt be by your own free choice In the eyes of one poster you were a:

vulnerable woman being for sex or sexual titillation is that's coercive at best, abusive at worst.

Sorry to burst that posters bubble but I actually loved my job. At the time I was wondering why I ever wasted so much time in my part time waiter job Grin

The worst part was either cattiness by other girls (especially if it was a quiet night) and the stress of making the floor fee back if it was quiet. The men were barely ever the problem.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 16:56

@Stripperyone

I have been a stripper for 15 years on and off (more on).

Although I cannot possible know 100%, I would bet my house on no women I've ever worked with having been trafficked.
There were some vulnerable ones for whom austerity/background/unfortunate circumstances meant they were not going to easily find a different job of course. But I really don't think trafficking is a common feature. Prostituted women yes, strippers no.

That's good to hear from your experience that it was a fairly common problem.
OP posts:
Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 16:56

@tygga

One of my classmates at uni was seeing someone who went to strip clubs. She hated it but didn't feel comfortable saying so much back then. She used to tell him she didn't like it but he would downplay it. So she got a job in the strip club, he hit the roof & her argument was I shouldn't be bothered by you going so why are you bothered by me dancing there. They did break up soon after but it made me laugh.
I can imagine his reaction!!
OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 15/02/2022 16:56

It’s normalising exploitation of women often in awful circumstances.
Dh wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t respect a man who did. It’s a red line for me

Agree. Creepy and desperate.
I'd not go to a male strip show either. - sordid and primal.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 16:57

@OhItsSpicyy

It couldnt be by your own free choice In the eyes of one poster you were a:

vulnerable woman being for sex or sexual titillation is that's coercive at best, abusive at worst.

Sorry to burst that posters bubble but I actually loved my job. At the time I was wondering why I ever wasted so much time in my part time waiter job Grin

The worst part was either cattiness by other girls (especially if it was a quiet night) and the stress of making the floor fee back if it was quiet. The men were barely ever the problem.

That's great to hear you've had a positive experience but it's not everyone's story and how can men know who's happy and content and who's being forced into it
OP posts:
tygga · 15/02/2022 16:59

strip clubs don't really bother me but I do find lap dances a bit weird. In most scenarios having a naked/nearly naked man or woman "on you" would be inappropriate (if in an relationship) but it's fine if you are paying for it!

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 17:02

So knowing what a lap dance etc entails and the type of men that attend such places you'd still be happy with your OH going?

Yes. Girls are just trying to make money. I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Especially if he was going in a group, it’s the men who go alone who are more worrying and have higher ‘expectations’ of the dancers. I can say wholeheartedly I never wanted to sleep with a customer so that part wouldn’t worry me.

I worked all over but mainly in Manchester and all the clubs have lines on the floor three feet away from where the customer sits and you aren’t allowed to move in front of them whilst dancing. The other clubs I worked at that didn’t have these had rules in them that if you were giving a ‘lap’ dance then you have to keep knickers on.

I never allowed touching, ever. Most girls don’t. It actually caused lots of fights between girls because they would tell customers that touching was allowed in VIP (obviously it wasn’t) just to get them there, and then obviously not allow them to touch them. But it wasn’t fair on the rest of us who didn’t lie to customers. All the clubs I worked in had security watching the dances and there would usually be a hostess on every shift watching the camera too to make sure no touching or money is exchanged. If a man was getting too handsy he would get a warning before getting booted out and if the girl was allowing it she would either be fined or banned from the club depending on what she was doing.

heathspeedwell · 15/02/2022 17:03

I kind of understand the women who are saying they don't really think it's a problem because they trust their OH etc. I probably felt much the same way before I really thought about it. It wasn't until my DH went to a club that the reality dawned and we were both genuinely shocked at how exploitative it was.

It's not just the strippers who are treated really badly - the whole strip club experience encourages a mindset of men treating all women - strippers, wives or girlfriends as a subset of people to be used, lied to and laughed about.

I'm happy to say that rather than just going along with the crowd, my DH would now see it as his responsibility to encourage the whole group to do something else entirely. When he was best man recently they all went clay pigeon shooting.

OhItsSpicyy · 15/02/2022 17:03

the type of men that attend such places you'd still be happy with your OH going?

I’m also not sure what you mean by this. There is no type of men. Most of the men I saw were just normal men.

Agrudge · 15/02/2022 17:04

I think some are hiding behind the potential trafficking element .

If you dont want your partner being around naked woman dancing. Thats fine It's a legitimate reason . Just be honest about it