Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BABAHOTEL · 15/02/2022 19:52

Not to young IMO!

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 19:54

@Tonsellectomjy

What a miserable attitude.

Well if my parents hadn't allowed it I wouldn't have been abused, so call me miserable if you want but I'd rather that than the alternative.

I’m sorry @TonsellectomjyFlowers
Darbs76 · 15/02/2022 19:55

8 is not too young in my opinion, mine all had sleepovers before 8.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 19:59

@Tonsellectomjy

What a miserable attitude.

Well if my parents hadn't allowed it I wouldn't have been abused, so call me miserable if you want but I'd rather that than the alternative.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but abuse can happen anywhere at anytime.

Children are more likely to be abused by their parents than they are by anyone else in their lives.

Theblacksheepandme · 15/02/2022 20:00

Bizarre, neurotic, miserable are just a few of the name calling used by parents that think sleep overs are ok for 8yr olds. A few of us unfortunately have been at the receiving end of abuse. I can assure you that I am neither of those people. I am a Mother who's worst nightmare would be anything that happened to me happening my daughter. I certainly don't wrap her up in cotton wool. She is 14 now and has a better social life than me. She is certainly not sitting in a Psychiatrist room because her Mum didn't allow sleep overs. Please don't resort to name calling as topics like this can be quite triggering for some people. I feel if my parents were more cautious like I am now, I may not have been abused. I have learned from the mistakes of my Parents.

Portlypotatospalpaul · 15/02/2022 20:03

I wouldn’t say it was too young but just depends on the individual child. My 6 year old started having them from 5 but they are infrequent but she does love them. The next day there is often an over tired fall out though; that’s the only thing!

BurntO · 15/02/2022 20:03

Say no…. I’d feel itchy at 8. We do loads of sleepovers with cousins but I’d not be 100% on school friends. Tea after school would be better first, do this a few times then I’d be more ok with a sleepover

Tonsellectomjy · 15/02/2022 20:03

I'm sorry for what you went through, but abuse can happen anywhere at anytime.

Yes it can, so why wouldn't I choose to protect my child in this particular instance? I can't in others. I can in this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/02/2022 20:04

I see what you are saying about not knowing the parents (for one of the sleepovers) well, @Newgalintown, and I do sympathise. There comes a point where children start to move towards more independent friendships - when they’re little, all their friendships grow out of things we as parents do - taking them to baby groups/toddler groups, visiting our friends with children who are similar ages - that sort of thing. Then when they start school, they start making their own friendships, where we don’t know the child or the family - and that is a bit disconcerting, as the parent.

I remember the first time Ds1 went to play at the house of a friend whose mum I only knew from chats in the playground - I had talked to her, and seen her interact with her child and with the other mums, and I felt confident enough to agree to the play date - but I still worried.

To my mind, the sleep over where you don’t know the parents very well is the next step on from that, and I can understand why you are thinking your dad is too young. I do think it is a natural next step, and you can’t put it off forever - once she goes to senior school, she’ll make friends and you may hardly even see the parents - but equally, it is reasonable of you to want to put it off until you are happier with it.

You said your dad doesn’t have a phone - is there possibly one she could borrow, just for the sleepover? Or could you arrange to ring her at bedtime, so she knows she will be able to ask you to get her, if she wants to come home, and you get a bit of reassurance too?

FirstTimeSecondTime · 15/02/2022 20:10

@Newgalintown. I haven’t read the full thread, but my dd’s are 9 and 15. The only sleepovers they have ever had were with their aunts (not biological) in households where the males were those that I have known for years and that I trust implicitly.

I work in childcare so am aware of safeguarding and I suffered abuse as a child, I wouldn’t take any risk with my children.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/02/2022 20:13

I don't think its too young, my DD has been doing it from the age of 7 with her godmother and more recently with schoolfriends (she's now 11). 8 is a perfectly normal age for sleepovers.

I can sort of understand the anxiety and I don't want to label you as hysterical or neurotic as others have because your concern is reasonable but I do think confidence is something children learn from parents and projecting the idea that new things are things to be feared and avoided is not a great signal to send a child.

Our role as parents is to gently support children as they find independence and move away from us. If your child was patently very uncomfortable with it or it was with a child she barely knew I think your instincts would be correct. But in this instance it does seem to be coming mainly from you and I think the right thing to do is to bite the bullet, accept that it will make you anxious, accept that there's a risk that your child may miss you or not get much sleep but go with it. The chances are that she will love it and if she doesn't it won't do any serious harm. And if she really struggles you don't have to do it again. But you have to do it sooner or later.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2022 20:27

I don't think she'd feel comfortable asking the parent to ring me

You need to start teaching your child life skills.

At age 8 a child should be able to speak up for herself and ask the adult in charge for whatever she needs, politely but with confidence and in a friendly manner.

A child who is not able to speak up for herself at age 8 is one I would be concerned about.

What makes you think she wouldn't be able to do this?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 20:56

An 8 year old is far more vulnerable than a 13yr old
Yes sorry @Theblacksheepandme not no difference, but not a guarantee. All I meant was if she's worried her daughter will be abused then her being 13 probably isn't going to make her not worry. And therefore it's OK to just say no, we don't do them, thanks.

Dingdong99 · 15/02/2022 21:02

My 7 year hood had her first one at a friends last week

They went to sleep at 1am!!

IWasHotInTheNineties · 15/02/2022 21:06

I wouldn’t do it. I would pick her up at 10pm. She gets to have fun until late without being tired the next day.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2022 21:23

I think I'd want to know the parents or at least know of them via other friends. There are never any guarantees but this seems to be a fairly low risk situation from a safety point of view - your daughter will be with her friend. Hopefully they will have a great time but if your daughter is a bit homesick or uncomfortable that isn't the end of the world. It's all part of life. If she was crying or upset the parents would no doubt phone you.

whattodo2019 · 15/02/2022 21:27

Age 8??? Of course not. My kids and my DH and I all starting boarding school
at 7. We loved it

Classica · 15/02/2022 21:36

I didn't think kids still started boarding school at 7. Yikes, that's a young age to leave home.

Tonsellectomjy · 15/02/2022 21:46

My kids and my DH and I all starting boarding school
at 7.

Jesus

Kgutdfn · 15/02/2022 22:03

YADNBU

BertieQueen · 15/02/2022 22:08

My 12 year old has never slept over at any friends house. Also can count on one hand how many times they have slept at grandparents house.
I never slept over a friends house till I was in secondary school either.

HiJenny35 · 15/02/2022 22:15

With all these threads you'll get loads of parents saying "I let mine from 4 years old" "too protective" "hindering the child" etc. In my opinion these are generally the parents who let their children out in the streets the youngest, try to push other parents into doing the same to justify their actions etc. Personally nope we don't allow sleepovers, 9 year old, not sure when we will, I don't know any of the parents well enough so no I don't leave my child overnight with people I don't know well if she wants to or not. Other people can do what they want, don't let them guilt you into putting your child in a situation you aren't comfortable with but say now it's a blanket family rule as once you start it's very hard to justify why you allow at one friends and not another.

namechangetheworld · 15/02/2022 22:17

I wouldn't be overly keen, but might be convinced if I knew both parents very well. But staying overnight with a family I barely know? Not a bloody chance.

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 22:32

@HiJenny35

With all these threads you'll get loads of parents saying "I let mine from 4 years old" "too protective" "hindering the child" etc. In my opinion these are generally the parents who let their children out in the streets the youngest, try to push other parents into doing the same to justify their actions etc. Personally nope we don't allow sleepovers, 9 year old, not sure when we will, I don't know any of the parents well enough so no I don't leave my child overnight with people I don't know well if she wants to or not. Other people can do what they want, don't let them guilt you into putting your child in a situation you aren't comfortable with but say now it's a blanket family rule as once you start it's very hard to justify why you allow at one friends and not another.
Absolutely
CoastalWave · 15/02/2022 22:34

I'm not happy at all with any sleepovers.Fine to go away with school or say brownies but just 'friend' sleepovers, that's a no in this house.

There's no way at all my child is going to be put in a situation that could prove dangerous.

Swipe left for the next trending thread