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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Magnificentbeast · 16/02/2022 20:48

@SmallThingsEverywhere

Neurotic parents normally raise neurotic children. Worth thinking about

I don't think OP is being neurotic.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2022 21:07

OP does not come across as over protective or super anxious. What is with the labelling of parents that put the welfare of their children first?

Does the OP ever put her child in a car and set out driving? That is extremely risky.

She knows these parents well. She still hesitates. She doesn't give any indication that the parents have criminal backgrounds or any reason to cause her suspicion.

She also says her 8 yo child wouldn't be able to ask the parent of one of her friends for a phone to make a call. It's something an 8 yo child should be able to do - an important part of bringing up children is teaching them to speak up on their own behalf, to interact comfortably with adults, and to trust that if they ask for something reasonable their needs will be met.

I agree with SmallThingsEverywhere's comment.
Neurotic means abnormally obsessive, anxious or sensitive.

wellstopdoingitthen · 16/02/2022 21:41

What are you worried about? If you are concerned about anything, speak to the host mum/dad to put your mind at ease.

My son started camping with beavers at 7. It gave him lots of self confidence especially as he has a medical condition (they leaders were aware of & trained in care).

LynetteScavo · 16/02/2022 21:42

I think there are so many variables...DD went on a sleepover aged 7, but I trusted the parents (although I didn't know them that well) and it was very well organised in a relaxed way. I also said no to other sleep overs when she was older as I didn't trust the parents enough. Go with your gut instinct.

Mollymoostoo · 16/02/2022 21:44

This is very subjective and you have to ask does she need to sleep over at this age. My DD is 9 and she only sleeps over at her cousins who lives in another city.
Don't let others make you feel YABU, follow your gut, if you are not sure, wait.

Mollymoostoo · 16/02/2022 21:46

@wellstopdoingitthen

What are you worried about? If you are concerned about anything, speak to the host mum/dad to put your mind at ease.

My son started camping with beavers at 7. It gave him lots of self confidence especially as he has a medical condition (they leaders were aware of & trained in care).

It's not easy to go to another set of parents and state your concerns that your child might be abused or assaulted. I didn't let my children sleep over at other peoples houses until they understood body boundaries, Internet safety and felt assertive enough to say no.

wellstopdoingitthen · 16/02/2022 21:50

@Tonsellectomjy

No way on God's green earth would I let my child go away with scouts or brownies.

Why?

Lia198 · 16/02/2022 21:56

My daughter is 7 and recently went to a birthday sleepover at her friends house, she had a brilliant time and it didn’t really occur to me that it was something to worry about!

Kendodd · 16/02/2022 21:56

I thought you went going to say she was age 3 or something.

Loads of my friends were going on sleepover at your daughters age. My mum would never let me go. I hated that I wasnt allowed to go.

AllyBee990 · 16/02/2022 21:57

Yanbu, my mum never let me and now I'm thirty and do not feel deprived at all. I think our compromise used to be she would pick me up at a normal home time and that was that. My mum isn't neurotic, I'm so glad she looked after me and as an adult myself I respect why she was like that with me and my brother. There's nothing an eight year old will get out of staying at another person's home socially, you sound like a good parent

yorkshirebird2382 · 16/02/2022 22:08

I still remember staying over with my friend at her nanas house and i must have been around that age. We laugh about it now, as i cried that i wanted to go home. I guess the key is we do laugh about it..... So even though i didn't like it, it hasn't damaged me and it was a while after that before I did another sleep over.
Could she go for part of it, but with stuff to stay over. Then agree a time to pick her up, but if she's happy, let her stay?
Sorry if that's already been suggested. I haven't read all replies

tigerlilly22 · 16/02/2022 23:48

Beavers, Rainbows, school trips I allowed mine to go. Other people's houses, I agree with you. It's your child, go with your gut and make an excuse. Lie if need be!

Mamanyt · 17/02/2022 00:15

I was doing sleepovers at six years old, and my sons at about the same age. So long as you know the parents well, eight years old is certainly not too young. At eight, I was doing summer camp for a week at a time! My kids didn't, but only because it was not affordable for me.

XelaM · 17/02/2022 00:22

Totally unreasonable. My daughter has been invited to sleepovers since reception. She's now 12 and we constantly have some of her friends staying over night (or even several nights) but it's been going on since reception. 8 is absolutely not too young

jamdonut · 17/02/2022 07:02

My daughter ( she’s now a 25 year old school teacher! ) always wanted to go on sleepovers, but then after a short time of being in bed wanted to come home!!! In the end we just didn’t say yes to them… though I think she wasn’t as young as 8, maybe 10.
I can understand how you feel to be honest.
I trusted the people she went to, though. And it’s not something I ever felt comfortable with hosting myself, so have never done it.

Pinksweets · 17/02/2022 07:03

@Theblacksheepandme OP does not come across as over protective or super anxious. What is with the labelling of parents that put the welfare of their children first?

OP sounds very anxious and over protective in her posts. Unless she’s creeped out by her dd's friend’s parents then I don’t understand why she’s so terrified about her Dd staying at her friend’s house over night. She knows these parents too! Parents who allow their dc to sleepover at their friends’ houses (especially when they know the dc and parents) are not neglectful. They care about their DC’s welfare, which includes allowing them to have fun! In my experience, the kids with over protective and anxious parents ended up becoming super anxious themselves or they became really sneaky and went behind their parents’ backs.

Notwithittoday · 17/02/2022 09:50

@Pinksweets even if you know the parents you don’t know older siblings, their friends, friends of the parents or extended family who could drop by. Several people with links to child protection including myself have said that sleepovers are not a good idea. Girls being sexually assaulted is not a rarity. It’s much more common than you think and it happens in all classes of society. I wonder sometimes if half of mumsnet think it’s only something that occurs on council estates and therefore their daughters will be fine. If you want to send your child to sleep at others houses for ‘fun’ then fine but the rest of us are quite happy for them to have fun and then return to their own bedrooms.

FootieMama · 17/02/2022 10:15

If you are unsure she will be able to ask to contact you in case of need you shouldn't let her go imo. You can make up an recife and say that she doesn't sleep well when not home. My son went to one sleepover when he was 10 and spent the entire night awake. He struggles to fall sleep even at home. Not a big deal but difficult for a 8 years old

Deminism · 17/02/2022 10:31

My dd is 11 and I did not let her sleep over without us at that age other than at one very close friend of the family. This was party because I couldn't say yes to some and not others and there was one family who kept asking but the dad gave me the heebyjeebies. When that family moved away I felt able to say yes to a party of her close friends where I knew the parents but apparently it was such hard work and so little sleep the mum never did it again ha! Where we live people don't really have big enough houses/enough bedrooms (kids often share with siblings) so not a huge issue. And now she is older it would wholly depend on who the family was and whether I thought there would be horror films etc.

Butterfly44 · 17/02/2022 12:16

How about asking her what she wants?

WalkingOnTheCracks · 17/02/2022 13:51

I just am not sure it's responsible to allow her to stay overnight at someone's when I don't know the parents well. I understand not stopping her going to something because of anxiety; but don't want to send her somewhere irresponsibly

Ours were staying over at eight. I don't think it's too young.

Still, if your worry is not knowing the parents, then it's nothing to do with her age. Because that would apply if she were ten, or twelve, or fourteen.

Kate0902900908 · 17/02/2022 16:56

This is going to sound really bad BUT, I applaud my parents for never ever allowing a sleep over ever in my whole childhood. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but it was always no.
Now I’m an adult I know my mother was abused by a family member growing up and that many of my own friends (4) were sexually abused during their childhoods I understand why it was always no. One friend by a friends older brother one by her own uncle …
I did get to stay at grandmas and one of mums sisters with girl cousins but never ever anywhere else.
I will never allow my children to go to sleepovers and one day I will tell them why.
I would rather be the bad guy rubbish mum for not allowing it than anything happen to my children.

Kate0902900908 · 17/02/2022 17:00

She used to say “while your safe - I won’t be sorry” as I stomped up the stairs

SlashBeef · 17/02/2022 20:25

@Kate0902900908

This is going to sound really bad BUT, I applaud my parents for never ever allowing a sleep over ever in my whole childhood. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but it was always no. Now I’m an adult I know my mother was abused by a family member growing up and that many of my own friends (4) were sexually abused during their childhoods I understand why it was always no. One friend by a friends older brother one by her own uncle … I did get to stay at grandmas and one of mums sisters with girl cousins but never ever anywhere else. I will never allow my children to go to sleepovers and one day I will tell them why. I would rather be the bad guy rubbish mum for not allowing it than anything happen to my children.

Thank you for posting this. It's exactly how I feel too.

BigPurpleEgg · 17/02/2022 20:29

My eldest was having sleepovers with my best friends daughter from age 4 and other friends who's parents I knew well from 6, but it wasn't until she had a phone age 10 I would let her stay somewhere I didn't know both parents

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