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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hillarious · 15/02/2022 11:45

The age of 8 is fine. Get the novelty of them out of the way before alcohol is brought into the mix.

GrapesAreMyJam · 15/02/2022 11:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SkiRun0077 · 15/02/2022 11:46

You know your child best, I recently collected my 10yr at 9.30pm as did another parent as our children were not ready for a sleep over at that friends house. My DD was relived that she could be collected as she really wanted to go but was worrying about the overnight part. She still got to wear her PJs. & enjoyed 4hrs of ‘party’ only 2 girls stayed in the end. All kids are ready for things at different ages.

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 11:46

As the daughter of an anxious parent -
Please don’t hold your daughter back from fun experiences
So that you can avoid your own feelings of discomfort
It isn’t about you
It’s about helping your daughter have fun, memorable experience
Again, it’s not about you
Let her go to her sleepover & you do something as a treat for yourself
Win win
IMO

Original poster
Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:47

@SkiRun0077

You know your child best, I recently collected my 10yr at 9.30pm as did another parent as our children were not ready for a sleep over at that friends house. My DD was relived that she could be collected as she really wanted to go but was worrying about the overnight part. She still got to wear her PJs. & enjoyed 4hrs of ‘party’ only 2 girls stayed in the end. All kids are ready for things at different ages.
Maybe this would be the best solution. She goes but comes home around that time.
OP posts:
Original poster
Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:48

@blackdumpling

As the daughter of an anxious parent - Please don’t hold your daughter back from fun experiences So that you can avoid your own feelings of discomfort It isn’t about you It’s about helping your daughter have fun, memorable experience Again, it’s not about you Let her go to her sleepover & you do something as a treat for yourself Win win IMO
I appreciate what you're saying; I just am not sure it's responsible to allow her to stay overnight at someone's when I don't know the parents well. I understand not stopping her going to something because of anxiety; but don't want to send her somewhere irresponsibly.
OP posts:
Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 11:49

I wouldn’t allow it personally.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2022 11:50

I think 8 is old enough for a sleepover. But you are obviously not comfortable about it. You are the parent do it's your decision. Why not chat it over with a friend.

SmallThingsEverywhere · 15/02/2022 11:50

@Newgalintown I’m actually trying to be helpful. You mentioned that your DD would probably like to go, so the fear seems to be coming from you. At 8yrs old there is no reason why a NT child can’t have a sleepover, unless you think every adult is a predator? Maybe have the “pants” conversation with her?

MrsGHarrison87 · 15/02/2022 11:51

It would be too much for my 8 year old but she is mildly autistic and clingy to me. My eldest child went to sleepovers at this age but now tells me that he didn't enjoy them and didn't feel comfortable. I thought it was ok at the time but I've now changed my mind on it. I wouldn't let my children go unless I knew the parents well or they were over say the age of 11.

Original poster
Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:51

@Notwithittoday

I wouldn’t allow it personally.
Can I ask why @Notwithittoday? We certainly appear to be the minority!!
OP posts:
Spudina · 15/02/2022 11:51

She’s old enough.

IAmAThreeButIWantATen · 15/02/2022 11:53

I'm with you op

You don't know them well and just because others do it doesn't mean you have to

Nothing to do with being neurotic

She's 8

Original poster
Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:53

@MrsGHarrison87

It would be too much for my 8 year old but she is mildly autistic and clingy to me. My eldest child went to sleepovers at this age but now tells me that he didn't enjoy them and didn't feel comfortable. I thought it was ok at the time but I've now changed my mind on it. I wouldn't let my children go unless I knew the parents well or they were over say the age of 11.
That's one of my worries; that she'd be uncomfortable but wouldn't feel happy to say to the parent.
OP posts:
switswoo81 · 15/02/2022 11:57

Op I probably in the minority but I agree with you. I have a 7yo and I cannot imagine her at a friend sleepover. She has stayed with grandparents but there is no way I would allow her to a friend's house and I wouldn't take responsibility for children that age in my house.
I would not think of myself as neurotic ,and I don't think you are either she has been in creche since 6 months but it's not even remotely on the table. From conversations with other parents they wouldn't consider it either.
I am also a primary school teacher and have lots of experience with this age .

User7312019 · 15/02/2022 11:59

YABU that’s a perfectly normal age to start sleepovers. If you’re that concerned why not buy a cheap phone she can only text on so she can contact you if she wants to come home? But I still don’t understand what you’re worried about. Are you an anxious person in general?

EggsBenadictUsername · 15/02/2022 12:00

YANBU.
I wasn't allowed on sleepovers until I was in Year 6 (and I was one of the oldest in the year) and that was only allowed because she was a single mother / no man in the house! Secondary school aged when sleepovers were okay if there was a man in the house. My mother felt more comfortable I wouldn't be coerced into things, and I'd have the confidence to tell her anything / not feel bullied into things.
She's 8. Unless you know these parents very well then absolutely not.

Comedycook · 15/02/2022 12:03

but I can't say yes to one and not the other

You can...just say you're busy on the date of the one you don't want her to go to.

Falma · 15/02/2022 12:06

Could you pre-empt by getting to know the parents? Maybe invite them over for dinner or something similar?

Givemeallthegin8 · 15/02/2022 12:08

I’m always shocked at these posts . I think 8 is too young for a sleepover.

I can’t understand when I read posts about parties and play dates when kids are 4/5/6 and parents stay with their kids and then by 8 they they leave them overnight !!!!!!

I’m not from the uk but it’s the complete norm here from age 4 to drop kids at parties without staying and having play dates without parents ! My own 3 year old has play dates with friends from playschool and we just drop and collect after two hours .

Sleep overs are completely different, my own 9 year old and her friendship group won’t be having them until they are 10/11 .

8 is too young to deal with the dynamics of a group when parents are in bed and they are all staying up late . Especially when they are not old enough for own phone to contact parents .

My dd stays with cousins and grandparents but that’s it for another year at least .

Op I think if you are feeling uncomfortable a good compromise would be too let her go and collect her late so she still gets to join in.
We have “slumber parties “ with dd friends but they get dropped off at 6pm and collected at 10pm. Works for us!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2022 12:10

I have always told my DS(7) no sleepovers until he's 8, and although I still suspect I might have to pick him up at 11am I will allow him to try it then.

But funnily enough he was supposed to stay overnight at a Beavers indoor campout before Christmas, and he was very hesitant and relieved when it was cancelled because everyone had COVID.

INeedNewShoes · 15/02/2022 12:10

Why don't you let her go to the sleepover where you know the parents well but be 'busy' for the other sleepover.

I'm with you in that I wouldn't want DD staying overnight in a house where I didn't know the family well.

I think your worry about your DD not being able to contact you is a red herring. She wouldn't even have to ask the parent directly. She'd ask the friend.

My DD is 4 and has already had a couple of sleepovers at friends' houses. I work away sometimes so it's to help me as much as being a social thing for her.

I'd be getting your 8 year old used to sleeping away from home before the school trips start and a small sleepover with two friends is a great place to start.

GoldenBlue · 15/02/2022 12:10

I think your concerns that you state are not about anxiety are actually unusual and sound like you are a more anxious parent.

8 is not at all unusual for sleep overs and the frequency grows throughout the next few years.

The majority of your DD's peers will be attending these type of sleepovers. You will undermine her friendships and 'other' her within her peers if she is excluded from events that her friends are allowed to participate in.

If you feel you need to know parents better, that is your issue (and a bit anxious) - what can you do to improve that in order to enable her to go? Arrange to turn up early and have a coffee with mum and dad? A phone call between you? What assurance do you need in order to feel able to let her go?

Suretobe · 15/02/2022 12:10

My DSD is 8 and is sleepovering. (Not as much as she’d like!)
If the sleepover is at ours then I make sure the child calls a parent just before bedtime just in case a wobble is coming. No probs with my limited experience so far.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/02/2022 12:11

Does she not do Brownie's or Cubs or anything? Perhaps that would be a good place to start, so that you get used to her being independent and adventurous with friends, but in a very safe way.