AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

[Newgalintown]

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

@Iamkmackered1979

My 3 youngest children have never been on a sleepover they’ve never asked and it’s not something we ‘do’ I get it can be fun and I enjoyed them as a kid but I don’t feel they need to have them or go to them. If you don’t feel comfortable about it just say no.

Same position for me for my two.

She is not too young as long as you know the parents and are comfortable with them. Mine had sleepovers at that age occasionally.

Why are you not happy about it? Just asking. My mother was the same when I was growing up - even when I was a teenager - and I never knew why.

I don't think the OP is neurotic or anxious. Both my children got excited about sleepovers then changed their minds last minute. The posters saying YABU are likely to have more confident outgoing children who were happy being dropped off at parties age 4! Mine were both quite shy and i have had the phonecall from sleepovers at 10pm saying my child would like to come home! I found the best way forward was explaining to the parent that my child would love to come but sometimes gets a bit nervous so either I'll pick them up later on in the evening or if they are staying over, to give me a ring anytime if they change their mind. They are now 11 and 13, both happy staying over but know I'll still come and pick them up if they want.

8/9/10 is the prime age for sleepovers round here. My DD was having sleepovers regularly at that age, and I was having girls here regularly too.

There are some real paranoid/nervous people around though. It's such a shame kids are missing out on all the sleepover fun because of this perception that everyone's an abuser. Kids love sleepovers, the nonsense and the DVDs and the pizza and the novelty of 5 girls all piled in together chatting rubbish all night.

I'd say it's fine, but then I quite chilled about these things and I know not everyone feels the same way.

I agree, though, with others who have asked if you're worried about not knowing the parents, when will you be comfortable with it? At some point your child will have to have friendships and spend time at the houses of kids whose parents you don't know.

Re: how your DD feels, if you do let her go, also let her back out if needs be. DD had a sleepover on 10th birthday and even then some kids were nervous and needed phone calls to parents in the late evening to reassure them while others took it in their stride.

My DC have been having sleepovers since aged 3. Honestly. It’s not something I ever considered them not doing.

We no longer have children over for their ‘first’ sleepover. It’s too awful TBH.

You know your child best.

@shinywhiteteeth

I don't think the OP is neurotic or anxious. Both my children got excited about sleepovers then changed their minds last minute. The posters saying YABU are likely to have more confident outgoing children who were happy being dropped off at parties age 4! Mine were both quite shy and i have had the phonecall from sleepovers at 10pm saying my child would like to come home! I found the best way forward was explaining to the parent that my child would love to come but sometimes gets a bit nervous so either I'll pick them up later on in the evening or if they are staying over, to give me a ring anytime if they change their mind. They are now 11 and 13, both happy staying over but know I'll still come and pick them up if they want.

posters are saying YABU because it's not about what the child wants or doesn't want

it's about the parent deciding that as a rule, 8 is too young. It's not. If your own child is not ready, fine. It's not a punishment!

SleepingStandingUp

"I think if you're worried she's going to be abused whilst she's there then her age isn't going to make any difference and "knowing" the parents won't either. It's OK to make a blanket rule and stick to it, but it's be clear and offer alt like picking up late etc."

"If you're worried she'll change her mind, arrange a call before bed and agree a code word if she wants an out / make it v clear you're fine with a 2 am wake up to get her if that's what it comes to"

Her age completely makes a difference. An 8 year old is far more vulnerable than a 13yr old. You are right about knowing the parents not making a difference, in relation to sexual assault. I do think it's important to know the parents to see if they have the same mindset as you e.g they may think drinking downstairs while your child is upstairs is ok.

Normal for mine at 8 was the popular age for sleepovers. Mine were all in beavers at age 5 so were used to going to camp for several years by that point.

We all know how safe the scouts is.

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jul/25/uk-ireland-child-sexual-abuse-scout-movement

I think sharksarecool has it spot on regarding OPs concerns. A friend of mines daughter had a friend right from nursery, they did get togethers, sleepovers, family holidays with the friends family for years. Fast forward to when the girls hit their teens and the friends dad was arrested and charged with child sexual abuse images. So it really doesn't matter how well you think you know someone..As Sharks said, predators and sexual abusers are still in the minority, despite people assuming there's a paedophile in every other house.

@Tonsellectomjy

Quite how many people are happy to let their kids sleep over with complete strangers is just perplexing to me.

Hate to have to tell you this but most abusers are known to the child, which includes the child’s own father, their brothers, their uncles and grandads. By this reasoning, we’d better sleep with one eye open in case our children are as someone put it “interfered with” by a male relative 🙄

We take brownies on sleepovers from 7. Rainbows are younger and they also have sleepovers.
I think you're being a bit precious!

I don't want anything to happen to her being away overnight
Such as? What do you think might happen to her?

I also don't want her to feel uncomfortable and not be able to get in contact with me. She doesn't have a phone (and I don't think that's appropriate either at that age) and I don't think she'd feel comfortable asking the parent to ring me to pick her up
Well tell her she absolutely must tell a parent if she wants to come home. It's par for the course, especially on a first sleepover.

Don't wrap her up in cotton wool.

What a miserable attitude.

Well if my parents hadn't allowed it I wouldn't have been abused, so call me miserable if you want but I'd rather that than the alternative.

Wtf I had sleepovers from wayyyy younger. You sound bizarre

By this reasoning, we’d better sleep with one eye open in case our children are as someone put it “interfered with” by a male relative

My DD doesn't stay over with male relatives either. Her Dad has never been involved.

She's not too young, but if I was you and felt like this, I would reach out to the other parents and have a chat with them, maybe invite them all round for coffee and a play date in advance. I think it'll be very unfair if you let her go for a few hours and then insist she comes home.

Cut the cord OP! Is she wants to go then let her go. Quietly tell the parent at the sleepover that she may feel uncomfortable and I'm sure that parent will check and your child can say she's not happy and you can be called to pick her up. If she doesn't feel comfortable to tell the parent at the sleepover and stays the night but doesn't enjoy it then she will realise that she is stronger than she thought and even though she wasn't happy she survived and next time she will know she doesn't want to stay

P.s she may have a wonderful time

My job involves asking about sexual abuse and it is sickeningly common particularly when in the years at the end of primary. There are lots of things your kids can do to have fun with their friends that don’t involve staying in other people’s houses overnight.

Like others have said meeting parents can help you decide that you aren’t happy with them but won’t tell you that they are ok.

I was felt up by older teenage cousin ( about 18) of my friend at a sleepover and I was almost 13. The girl's parents were nice but they drove us to the girl's grandparents the next day where this boy was and it was obvious he fancied me. I looked older. He kept picking me up and trying to tickle me with his hand grazing against my boobs. Obviously this isn't going to happen at every sleepover but there is an element of risk when leaving your child with another family. I also remember sleepovers were I was given a pot noodle for tea and a cup a soup for breakfast.

We just don't do sleepovers at all, I do think there is a risk of abuse which is one big factor for me - you just don't know who will be there, unknown men in the house, friends of older siblings, etc. I don't think this is being overprotective to consider this.

The other reasons are just practical that I don't want to have a very tired, grumpy child on a sugar crash to deal with the next morning that impacts our family weekend.

My DS has just turned 7 and he'll stay at grandparents happily but I can't even leave him at a play date at a friend's house for 2 hours during the daytime without him getting upset so he's definitely not ready for an overnight sleepover with them yet!

If he was ready by 8, think I would let him go as long as I knew the parents well enough.

Gosh mine went at 5/6 , 8 is fine and quite normal!