AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

[Newgalintown]

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

Cant be bothered to RTFT but if you are still reading OP my 9 year old has done them since year 1 but my current 7 year old is totally incapable of being away from me overnight! so really trust your instinct.

Yabu. My 2 DC have had sleepovers from 4 years old

YANBU if you don't even know the parents.I would definitely be the same in that situation when my DD is that age.She has many years ahead of her to go to sleepovers when she is older and more independent.x

@Kate0902900908

This is going to sound really bad BUT, I applaud my parents for never ever allowing a sleep over ever in my whole childhood. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but it was always no. Now I’m an adult I know my mother was abused by a family member growing up and that many of my own friends (4) were sexually abused during their childhoods I understand why it was always no. One friend by a friends older brother one by her own uncle … I did get to stay at grandmas and one of mums sisters with girl cousins but never ever anywhere else. I will never allow my children to go to sleepovers and one day I will tell them why. I would rather be the bad guy rubbish mum for not allowing it than anything happen to my children.

Exactly my thinking too. Sleepovers are an easily avoided highly risky situation for children

Mummyof287, she knows the parents.

The place where children are most likely to be abused is in their own home, by their own relatives.

www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens

59% of children who are sexually abused are abused by acquaintances.

@Theblacksheepandme

SmallThingsEverywhere Neurotic parents normally raise neurotic children. Worth thinking about

I didn't let my daughter have sleep overs. It wasn't because I was neurotic but don't see the need for them. She could go visit and stay late. I also heard some horror stories which were triggering for me. My daughter is 14 now and far from neurotic. She has sleep overs now because she's old enough to protect herself. Although I would still be wary if I didn't know the parents. I did once joke that she could have sleep overs when she can drive herself to them.

14 is old enough to protect herself? Seriously? You've lead a charmed life.

That said, if you are worried that she won't be comfortable enough to say no to parents surely she'd be able to say so to you? My youngest daughter is. So she doesn't go to sleepovers.
If she wanted to, I'd let her.
You do sound a little over anxious OP.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea
14 is old enough to protect herself?
Seriously? You've lead a charmed life.

What the absolute fuck are you on about? I have been abused through my childhood which I previously mentioned. How do you make out I had a charmed life?

14 is old enough to protect herself

I would have thought 14 was absolutely peak danger zone.

Kendodd
14 is old enough to protect herself
I would have thought 14 was absolutely peak danger zone.

I have never allowed sleep overs when she was in primary school. Now my daughter is in secondary school I do allow sleep overs. I absolutely only allow sleep overs with close friends where I know the parents well. I don't allow her to stay with just anyone. She has a black belt in Taekwondo and has had extensive training on self defense over the last 2 years. A primary school child is very young to have sleep overs IMO. I am not saying at 14 that she would be 100% fine but I'd like to think if she was having a sleep over she would be more than capable of knowing what to do. Of course it can still happen a 14 year old as one of the occasions with me was at 14. I have made sure I have educated my child as early as possible about sexual abuse. Made sure she started Taekwondo at 4 which is why she was one of the youngest in her class to get a black belt at 12yrs of age. Believe me I am not neurotic as I am well aware of what can happen girls of any age and even older than 14. My Mother was extremely naive and put me in situations that could have been avoided. I definitely would not put my 14 year old in unnecessary danger. Unfortunately I have learnt from my Mother's mistakes and done everything possible to ensure that my daughter is capable of knowing what to do.

Sleepovers are an easily avoided highly risky situation for children

I work with children who have experienced sexual abuse. Most of the time the perpetrator is a member of the child's own family, but I've also worked with DC who have been abused by teachers, youth workers, members of their church, neighbours, occasionally complete strangers.

I was also abused myself as a child and the abuse always happened during daylight hours, while one or both of my parents were in the same building, the perpetrator was someone they knew well and had no reason not to trust. So as a survivor of CSA, when I inevitably get anxious about my DC having new experiences and interacting with people outside of our family and close friends I remind myself that it's ok to be anxious, but cannot let my anxiety stop my DC from experiencing a normal childhood. Unless I keep them with me 24/7 and never let them interact with anyone at all, there will always be an element of risk. But risk is part of life and a big part of my recovery has been accepting that.

If a sleepover is too risky then what about playdates at friends houses, will your DC be allowed those? Or do most people think paedophiles only abuse DC after dark?

Also this idea that it's unsafe because "you don't know them well" is curious to me. Do you think that if you got to know them well you would somehow be able to suss out whether or not they're sexually attracted to children? Paedophiles aren't all weirdo loners. We might like to think so because the reality, which is that most of them have families, friends, people who love them and trust them, is not a comfortable one. We like to tell ourselves that people we 'know' couldn't possibly pose a risk to our DC but honestly we have no idea.

@neverbeenskiing Very eloquently written post.

I completely agree. I used to be a criminal defence solicitor when I started out in law and the type of people accused of sexual abuse of children or found to be in possession of child pornography were very often quite respectable members of society

@neverbeenskiing, excellent post.

Agree 100%.

Parents owe it to their children to create an atmosphere at home where children's input is welcome, where children's requests are greeted with reasonable, kind, and encouraging responses, where children's preferences are taken into account, and where children feel they can trust adults to meet their needs. I would be very concerned about a child who might not feel she could ask a normal, friendly adult - the parent of her friend in this case - to use a phone.

In your first post you say you know the parents well. In another you say you don’t know them well. In your last post you call them ‘strangers’. Which is it?