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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 15/02/2022 13:13

Crikey, I started going to sleepovers at 4! 8 is definitely old enough, I’m not sure what you’re afraid of?

emuloc · 15/02/2022 13:14

Yanbu. Do what you think feels right.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 15/02/2022 13:16

That's one of my worries; that she'd be uncomfortable but wouldn't feel happy to say to the parent.

@Newgalintown Could one solution be letting your DD have a sleepover at yours? That way she would be comfortable, and those children would presumably be allowed to come to you.

My 7yo wanted a sleepover for her birthday party. We knew two children very well and their parents, the last one we'd never had over before. I asked him and his mum to come for a play so she could see us and the house, and see we were normal (relatively).

I kept saying to all three parents in the run up that if there were any problems or unhappiness we'd be in touch straight away.

Didn't happen in the end cos of Covid but I think you should be open with the other parents and say you're a bit nervous, or you're worried your daughter might be a bit nervous, perhaps they could offer to have you over for a daytime play so you allay your fears?

JustMaggie · 15/02/2022 13:16

Yanbu. My kids will be having sleepovers when they're 18!

BoredZelda · 15/02/2022 13:17

8 isn't too young. But it might be that your daughter isn't ready. Mine couldn't have done it.

We tried a couple of sleep overs at similar ages, both parents were convinced their kids would be fine, both kids know me really well and are here all the time. Both kids ended up having to be taken home to their parents.

FilthyforFirth · 15/02/2022 13:18

Hmm not sure. Generally I'm an over protective parent. DS4 has had millions of sleepovers with grandparents and cousins and he is always excited/not fussed being away from us.

However, I wouldnt dream of dropping him off at a party or leaving him on a playdate. If he has the same friends at 8 as he does now then I might consider it if he was really keen. Would depend on how well I knew the parents.

coodawoodashooda · 15/02/2022 13:18

I'm not a fan of sleepovers. I don't understand the appeal at all.

Hexagonmum · 15/02/2022 13:19

I would most likely host the sleepover, which I will be doing over the summer holidays, even though it's a while away my DD and her friends are happily planning it now!

I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my children to a sleepover unless I knew both parents really well and any older DC they have.

Phormiumjester · 15/02/2022 13:20

Mine would have been OK. Their first overnight school trips, they were 9 so some experience of being without parents previously helped.

But then they've stayed with granny in the school hols for a few days since they were little. And with their godmother too.

You know your own child but in our schools, 8 is fairly common for sleepovers.

LittleGwyneth · 15/02/2022 13:20

@Notwithittoday

I don’t think people realise how often it is that girls are sexually abused by people they know. If it’s never happened to you you think it’s some rarity like being hit by a car. It isn’t. Men who do this don’t wear a sign around their neck, they hide well. They’re fathers, grandfathers, brothers uncles…
By this logic you wouldn't let your child be alone in a room with her own father or brother, let alone grandfather, cousins or uncles.
ASkyPaintedGold · 15/02/2022 13:27

@T00Ts

Ok so some parents don’t want to allow it in case their daughters are ‘interfered with’ by males.

I’m not minimising that as a fear (and indeed an experience for some), but if you’ve no reason to suspect it would happen other than being scared it might, then living that fearfully must be awful. Sad

T00Ts - I agree with the OP and I certainly don't live in some kind of perpetual fear. I am, however, not naive. I know only too well the risks towards children from predatory adults, predominantly male. I therefore take steps to limit their access to my child. This isn't fearful (although it is very cynical) just risk assessment/safeguarding. And it really does not damage my children.. there's no hand wringing and tears involved as some people seem to think 🙄

I don't live in fear and have a very happy life, thank you! it's not an awful life to be able to recognise possible risk and act accordingly.

I remember someone I worked with once being surprised I wouldn't walk a certain route due to muggings in the area. She also expressed a sadness for me that I 'lived in fear' . Unfortunately, she DID get mugged walking that same route, which was an awful experience for her.

So, I'll take the cynical and distrustful approach every time when other people are involved and my children are concerned.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 13:55

@coodawoodashooda

I'm not a fan of sleepovers. I don't understand the appeal at all.
kids love it... at least SOME kids do.

When it makes them happy, parents make the effort. It's not necessarily the best fun to host a gathering of 3 or 4 little ones, but you get a couple of movies, let them play video games, order a few pizza and ice cream, make the beds and hear them giggle most of the night.

Not a big deal, not a lot of work, it's an adventure and the chance for some kids to be away from their parents for a night, stay with their friends.

It would be cruel to force a child to have one, but when they are excited and really looking forward to sleeopovers - from age 6, 7-8 maybe? why not.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 13:56

I am all for safety, but keeping your child away from any male - or female- teen and adult because you fear sexual abuse from everyone that's not you.. maybe a bit much?

MimosaFields · 15/02/2022 14:10

It's not too young but if you are concerned she would not feel comfortable asking for help, you need to work on that with her. She needs to trust the "mum in charge" and I'm sure you can help her to reach that stage. Otherwise it would be sad that she misses out on sleepovers. 8 is a great age to do them. Once they are into the teenage years, there are other kinds of worries involved

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 14:16

@LittleGwyneth fathers and brothers, you observe for a long time and hopefully pick up on odd behaviours. When you send your child to the home of someone else you’re not only exposing your child to the parents but also their extended family and friends. There is nothing stopping a relative of friend who you don’t know dropping by.
Let’s not forget this

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/heartbroken-dad-says-my-little-25031143.amp
And this which wasn’t even a sleepover but parents felt they ‘knew’ the family

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.standard.co.uk/hp/front/teenager-guilty-of-party-murder-6959975.html%3famp

My child is far from an anxious child. She had lots of fun and plenty of friends. I won’t be allowing her on sleepovers until she’s in Secondary school and then we will be having some very frank conversations.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 15/02/2022 14:17

The absolute best age for sleepovers!

You can meet the parents when you drop her off and make sure they have your number, and also tell DD not to be afraid to say if she wants to go home.

itwasntaparty · 15/02/2022 14:32

Mine have only stayed with family. The next day is so painful it's not worth it for them to go to a friends. They're ten but still get up at 6am regardless of what time they go to bed.

Picking them up from their mates' houses at say 830/9 is way easier for everyone.

Theblacksheepandme · 15/02/2022 14:35

ASkyPaintedGold
"T00Ts - I agree with the OP and I certainly don't live in some kind of perpetual fear. I am, however, not naive. I know only too well the risks towards children from predatory adults, predominantly male. I therefore take steps to limit their access to my child. This isn't fearful (although it is very cynical) just risk assessment/safeguarding. And it really does not damage my children.. there's no hand wringing and tears involved as some people seem to think 🙄"

"I don't live in fear and have a very happy life, thank you! it's not an awful life to be able to recognise possible risk and act accordingly."

"I remember someone I worked with once being surprised I wouldn't walk a certain route due to muggings in the area. She also expressed a sadness for me that I 'lived in fear' . Unfortunately, she DID get mugged walking that same route, which was an awful experience for her."

"So, I'll take the cynical and distrustful approach every time when other people are involved and my children are concerned."

Very well said.

StripyOnesie · 15/02/2022 14:41

My kids went on sleepovers from being very young. They've always loved them.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/02/2022 14:43

I think 8 is a normal age for a sleepover. Can you work on them being able to say to the parents if they want to call you? Assuming the go to school I think most 8yos will be used to talking to adults.

delurkasaurus · 15/02/2022 14:48

@Notwithittoday

I don’t think people realise how often it is that girls are sexually abused by people they know. If it’s never happened to you you think it’s some rarity like being hit by a car. It isn’t. Men who do this don’t wear a sign around their neck, they hide well. They’re fathers, grandfathers, brothers uncles…
I agree.

And I am in the minority it seems, who think 8 is too young at a friend's house. I don't think I did this until I was more like 13. Maybe the first time kids do this has got younger. But that may or may not be a good thing. IMO, following the crowd isn't always a good thing and it's not a reason to just do something.

Glitterygreen · 15/02/2022 14:49

I used to sleepover with friends all the time around that age. I definitely don't think she's too young and actually think it's good for kids to get used to spending the odd night away from their parents as they get to 8ish because overnight school trips will likely start soon.

Bellringer · 15/02/2022 14:57

Just be aware who she will be with, how she can get home, think about safeguarding, brownies etc will vet, even police check volunteers, children still get abused. Foster children not allowed sleepovers? Definately get to know the family and have conversation with her about privacy. Up to you, it's a minefield, 8 is quite young but know your child and what envoironment they are in.

Toothsil · 15/02/2022 15:20

DD was 9 when she went to her first sleepover. She definitely wasn't ready before that. There was one girl there who was 8, and she had to be collected at midnight. Thst girl is now 10 and very happy doing sleepovers.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2022 15:32

Mine went on sleepovers from about 5-6 on. I remember one little girl having her first sleepover ever at my house aged about 7.5. her parents were a bit on the fussy side and had made it into such a big deal for her that I didn't have high hopes for the night, but she slept like a log and we had waffles the next morning.

Sleepovers weren't big party events when my DCs were small, and still aren't in my neck of the woods (US). They were ad hoc developments arising from afternoons spent playing or arrangements were made with one friend.

Party sleepovers were for older kids - 12 and up.