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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 15/02/2022 12:11

The main problem, as I see it, is that you're very very unlikely to know any of your children's friends parents well, especially once they get to secondary school age. So does that mean you'll never be comfortable with her sleeping over somewhere?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/02/2022 12:12

My dd is having a sleepover for her 9th birthday. I messaged the mums separately asking if they were comfortable. A couple asked if they could make sure their dd could call if they needed them to which I obviously agreed.

CatSpeakForDummies · 15/02/2022 12:12

Could you possibly host a sleepover first, so you have a better idea of what it entails? It appears to be that fear of the unfamiliar that is causing the problem for you, so this would reassure you that they are not actually that big a deal.

It also sounds like it would be a nice idea to get to know the families a little better, I would instigate this if I were you as it will put your mind at rest.

Whether you say yes or no now, this isn't going to go away, so you should start to work on these areas you are worried about. Whatever you decide, you do have the power to make yourself more comfortable by just getting to know people better.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 15/02/2022 12:12

DD is 7 and in yr3 and they have their first residential trip in April, so I don't think 8 is too young as a general rule but that doesn't mean your child is ready, only you and they know that.

I think if they want to try it wouldn't hurt to give it a go, fully in the knowledge and prepared to go get her if needs be.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 12:14

Sleepovers are not mandatory, as a parent it's not unreasonable to refuse if you are uncomfortable.

However, as above, 8 is the prime age for sleepovers, and not too young at all. Going with another friend makes it even more reassuring.

Nothing wrong with telling parents you only accept sleepovers after a few playdates when the child is already used to a house and a family.

SlashBeef · 15/02/2022 12:16

We don't "do" sleepovers so imo you're not unreasonable but you should just say you don't want her to go rather than try to argue she's too young. Just stick to your guns if you're not happy. It doesn't make you neurotic or any other nonsense.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 12:17

xCould you possibly host a sleepover first, so you have a better idea of what it entails?

that's very nice, but guessing the OP is scared that her child would be with strangers.

Let's be honest, sleepovers is mainly giggling until early hours with night snacks, one child used to be up at dawn and waking up the others ridiculously early, and you getting back a very grumpy and exhausted child missing sleep and their friends Grin

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 12:17

a few things really. 1. She doesn’t sleep well in strange beds and I would imagine she’d either be scared and awake all night or wanting to come home. 2. Girls this age tend to bicker after too much time together so I think it’s too long a period of time for a play date. 3. I would be worried about males in the house interfering with her ( it may seem dramatic but I’ve known enough instances of this for me not to trust anybody with my child for such an extended period). Having the pants conversation won’t do much good if they’re stuck there all night

Crunchymum · 15/02/2022 12:18

My just turned 9yo (so Y4) is going on a 4 night / 5 day residential next month Shock

StampOnTheGround · 15/02/2022 12:19

YABU I went to sleepovers much younger than 8, I'd say 8 is some of the best years for it.

SerotoninAnswerMySoul · 15/02/2022 12:20

Do you have time to arrange some playdates or similar beforehand to get to know the parents?

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 12:21

@Notwithittoday

a few things really. 1. She doesn’t sleep well in strange beds and I would imagine she’d either be scared and awake all night or wanting to come home. 2. Girls this age tend to bicker after too much time together so I think it’s too long a period of time for a play date. 3. I would be worried about males in the house interfering with her ( it may seem dramatic but I’ve known enough instances of this for me not to trust anybody with my child for such an extended period). Having the pants conversation won’t do much good if they’re stuck there all night
1.is silly, it's a good experience and so what if a child sleeps less than normal?
  1. then it's not the right friends for a sleepover, the bickering is not true for most girls!
  1. is the real reason. Absolutely fine to say no, there are other ways, like going camping with parents and the friend, going for a weekend together and families booking rooms next to each other. If you feel your child is not safe, it's your job to protect them.
worldvisa · 15/02/2022 12:22

Just understand that if you don't accept sleepovers, you can't host them either - makes it very awkward for children and their parents - if you don't trust them with your child, it's weird to expect them to trust you with their own one.

T00Ts · 15/02/2022 12:22

It’s alien to me the idea of not allowing it at age eight. I went on my first sleepover at five and it was so much fun.

Crimesean · 15/02/2022 12:23

We host DS's best friend for occasional sleepovers (both 4) and have done since she was 3. However, we know her parents very well, we're very close and have known their DD since she was born.

I'm not sure about the age for a sleepover with random school parents, but as others are saying aged 8 it seems to be fairly normal.

Theblacksheepandme · 15/02/2022 12:23

SmallThingsEverywhere
Neurotic parents normally raise neurotic children. Worth thinking about

I didn't let my daughter have sleep overs. It wasn't because I was neurotic but don't see the need for them. She could go visit and stay late. I also heard some horror stories which were triggering for me. My daughter is 14 now and far from neurotic. She has sleep overs now because she's old enough to protect herself. Although I would still be wary if I didn't know the parents. I did once joke that she could have sleep overs when she can drive herself to them.

stayathomer · 15/02/2022 12:24

I'd talk to the parents on the phone, suss them out and see. We have had a mixture of experiences, mostly positive but once got a phone call home (age 9) saying son was sick and he told me days later that the older brother was in with a group of friends slagging off the younger ones and being horrible. We've had the friend over to ours but have made excuses when the mother said she'd have ours over.

LittleGwyneth · 15/02/2022 12:24

You're allowed to say no to anything that doesn't feel right - but it's a tricky one to navigate because sleepovers are great fun, and lots of other parents will allow them. Personally I worry about preventing children from doing various things because you're worried about them - it feels a bit like telling women not to go out at night or dress a certain way.

I'd echo other posters in asking how much she actually wants to go - as there's no point agonising over this if she could take it or leave it anyway. In terms of age, eight seems entirely normal to start having sleepovers, that's when it started in my friendship groups as a kid.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 12:25

With kindness - you are being unreasonable. Eight is a very normal age for sleepovers. It’s important your daughter be able to go to form friendships and learn independence.

If you’d be more comfortable collecting her to go home go to bed, do that the first time. But don’t keep doing it as you’ll damage her friendships.

It’s hard to manage anxiety so you have my sympathy, but it’s important to remember that your worries are not your daughter’s - eg you can give her your number and explain to the mum hosting when you arrive that you’d like to show her the landline, so she can use it if she wants to.

SerotoninAnswerMySoul · 15/02/2022 12:25

I understand your hesitation in not knowing the dad. Of course not everyone is a predator, and no reason why he would be! But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to get to know the people looking after your child overnight. If it's more a worry that she might be unhappy and too shy to ask to go home, you arrange to phone at 8pm to see if she wants to be collected so she knows that's an option.

T00Ts · 15/02/2022 12:27

Ok so some parents don’t want to allow it in case their daughters are ‘interfered with’ by males.

I’m not minimising that as a fear (and indeed an experience for some), but if you’ve no reason to suspect it would happen other than being scared it might, then living that fearfully must be awful. Sad

ChampagneLassie · 15/02/2022 12:27

What about hosting a sleepover at yours instead?

Porthia · 15/02/2022 12:27

Oh wow, my 9 year old has never been on a sleepover and I’m not sure she is quite old enough. I would have to know the family really well!

I definitely wouldn’t let my younger DC go - although staying with grandparents etc is different and I am fine with them doing that!

For my 9 year old it hasn’t come up yet (I guess covid has slowed things down perhaps) but I’m now trying to think about when I started having sleepovers. I think year 7 was when it really hit a peak so 11/12.

Ultimately though it’s a very individual decision. You know your child and you know how well or otherwise you know the other family. On reflection, I think I would let my 9 year old go if it was close friends where I know the parents really well. In DD’s case they also live about a 3 min walk from our house so no problem to pick up if any issues.

UnderTheSea20k · 15/02/2022 12:28

I don't think it's fair to hold children back from having friends or developing socially because of your own anxieties. There is nothing inherent about a sleepover that makes it inappropriate for a child of 6, let alone 8. If you treat her like a baby you can't be surprised if she continues to act like one. This sounds like you are displacing your anxieties onto her.

If you have anxieties about not knowing the parents then the answer is pretty obvious--you meet them, rather than screw up your child's ability to have friends. Invite them over for a dinner or out for an outing or just do something.

I had friends when I was younger whose parents did this sort of thing and in many cases it really screwed them up. They grew up to be anxious, obsessive, unable to make friends, needy and hysterical. They never managed to make longstanding friends because when they were younger their parents got in the way, and when they were older they lacked the skills to deal with basic issues that arise in friendships. Every time there was a school trip or a birthday or something the poor child died of shame that their parent marked them out as different, the freak, the kid who couldn't go or who meant everybody else had to change their activity. Kids aren't stupid, they notice this behaviour from parents.

Veryworried22 · 15/02/2022 12:33

@UnderTheSea20k

I don't think it's fair to hold children back from having friends or developing socially because of your own anxieties. There is nothing inherent about a sleepover that makes it inappropriate for a child of 6, let alone 8. If you treat her like a baby you can't be surprised if she continues to act like one. This sounds like you are displacing your anxieties onto her.

If you have anxieties about not knowing the parents then the answer is pretty obvious--you meet them, rather than screw up your child's ability to have friends. Invite them over for a dinner or out for an outing or just do something.

I had friends when I was younger whose parents did this sort of thing and in many cases it really screwed them up. They grew up to be anxious, obsessive, unable to make friends, needy and hysterical. They never managed to make longstanding friends because when they were younger their parents got in the way, and when they were older they lacked the skills to deal with basic issues that arise in friendships. Every time there was a school trip or a birthday or something the poor child died of shame that their parent marked them out as different, the freak, the kid who couldn't go or who meant everybody else had to change their activity. Kids aren't stupid, they notice this behaviour from parents.

Utterly ridiculous 🤣 you can't behave this hysterical whilst cricisiting other people for being anxious and expect to be taken seriously. Children are not messed up because they didn't go to sleepovers. There's a bigger picture there.