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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 15/02/2022 12:33

I do tend to agree. Neither of mine went on sleepovers until the very end of primary school. They turned down a couple of invites. They never stayed with family either as I have no one around.
They had school trips which were fine. the cubs one was crap.

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 12:35

I don’t think people realise how often it is that girls are sexually abused by people they know. If it’s never happened to you you think it’s some rarity like being hit by a car. It isn’t. Men who do this don’t wear a sign around their neck, they hide well. They’re fathers, grandfathers, brothers uncles…

RealBecca · 15/02/2022 12:37

If she wants to shes ready to try x

AteAllTheBourbons · 15/02/2022 12:38

@Notwithittoday

100%

Mariposista · 15/02/2022 12:38

It’s not an age thing. Some are happy staying at a friend’s house at 8, some aren’t even at 15. Make it less about what YOU feel and more what your daughter wants to join in with. Let her go, if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go again.

SEcretsand · 15/02/2022 12:39

Yabu not too young at all. I started sleepovers at 6. It's weird to me that nowadays kids don't seem to have sleepovers until their 10 plus.

Woahthehorsey · 15/02/2022 12:40

It's entirely up to you. If you aren't comfortable then you aren't comfortable.

I would recommend however ensuring that your daughter is aware of appropriate touching, personal space, privacy etc. And maybe have a code sentence if she does go, feels uncomfortable but doesn't want to say.

Purplepjs · 15/02/2022 12:42

I’m with you, OP and think it’s too young.

A family friend wanted a sleepover about that age and mum decided instead on a Late-over’… onesies, a film, late night feast etc and then parents collected around 10pm. Seemed a fun compromise!

Classica · 15/02/2022 12:42

I had friends when I was younger whose parents did this sort of thing and in many cases it really screwed them up. They grew up to be anxious, obsessive, unable to make friends, needy and hysterical.

Irony being that your post makes you sound hysterical.

Rumplestrumpet · 15/02/2022 12:43

You're not being unreasonable OP - there are lots of issues to consider, and yes the men/older kids in the house would matter to me. Also, what access they might have to phones/internet/inappropriate content, as well as possible bullying between the girls.

Personally I only allow my daughter to stay over with my mum or one close friend with daughters. No way she'd be having a sleepover in a house where I didn't know both parents vey well indeed.

Classica · 15/02/2022 12:44

You know your own kid, OP. Not all 7 year olds are at the same point and I seriously doubt you'll damage her ability to make friends by holding off on sleepover for another 12 months.

Ignore all the hyperbolic twits.

Anonymous48 · 15/02/2022 12:46

I definitely don't think 8 is too young for a sleepover and I haven't been able to get a handle on what your reasoning is for being so worried about it. If your daughter didn't want to or was unsure, then by no means should you try and persuade her to go, but it sounds like the anxiety is coming from you not her.

Being a parent is 18 (or more) years of gradually cutting the apron strings. As much as we want to, we can't protect our children from every potential danger in the world, and nor should we. Letting your child go to a sleepover is a big step, but a completely normal and very safe one. Realistically, what's the worst that could happen? She likely will come home happy but exhausted and therefore grumpy. It's also possible that she doesn't enjoy it as much as she thought she would and feels homesick. That's OK. It's a learning experience and it's just one night.

For what it's worth, both of my daughters went to a week long sleepaway summer camp the summer after they turned 7. Yes, it seemed very young to me, but they wanted to and it was a great opportunity that we had been presented with. They are now young adults but this is one of their best memories.

Parkmama · 15/02/2022 12:46

I don't think there's a 'right' age for sleepovers. I think it's about when you and your DC feels comfortable to go. My DD's are 7 and 10 and never seem keen on the idea when their friends bring it up, I have said they could go along for the fun bits and I can collect them when it's time for lights out. If they were really bothered about staying all night I would let them. In your situation OP I would compromise on an arrangement which means your DD doesn't miss out but also makes you feel comfortable

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2022 12:47

Irony being that your post makes you sound hysterical

I agree. They will be doomed! DOOOOMED!

lumpofcomfort · 15/02/2022 12:48

Depends on the child. Eldest DD went at 5 a d was fine. Youngest was clingier and did her first at 8, nearly 9. I was worried about my younger one as she still wakes often in the night but she was fine and loved it. In your situation, if your DD wants to go I would bite the bullet but stress to the other parents that you would like them to call you to pick her up at any time. It will probably give her pleasure.

The biggest disadvantage is that once they start sleepovers you feel obliged to reciprocate!

AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2022 12:48

YABU

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2022 12:52

Depends on the child. Friends kids were having sleep overs from 5 others kids aren't ready until teens. I never did sleepovers as a kid as hated being anywhere but my bed.

Smartiepants79 · 15/02/2022 12:53

Well you can’t have both.
It’s fine if you’re not happy with her staying over but if her friends want sleepovers then she will miss out.
That just life I’m afraid.
All choices have consequences.

Satingreenshutters · 15/02/2022 12:55

YABVVVU.

Oblomov22 · 15/02/2022 12:57

Of course it's normal. If your child wants to go and can cope with going and won't phone you at 10 pm crying and wanting to come home. If they are excited and want to go let them go. To do otherwise would be strange, only your anxiety causing parenting fail.

Obviously if you have a child who doesn't want to go that's equally fine.

Oblomov22 · 15/02/2022 12:59

Well why don't you talk to her about all of this. It's easily talkable.

Shutupyoutart · 15/02/2022 13:02

Too young imo. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my 8 year old going on sleepovers outside of family but each to their own do whatever you feel happy with op maybe she could go for a few hours and be collected at 10 or something so she doesn't miss out but isn't staying over.

TheMarmaladeYears · 15/02/2022 13:07

I think the key words here are 'is my child too young...' because you know your child best. Some 8 year olds are just fine, certainly my dcs were and now my dgcs are. But equally, I remember other parents politely declining sleepovers at the same age because their dcs weren't ready for a night away. You really won't create a neurotic mess out of your child by preferring to wait awhile. But do be aware that 8 is a perfectly reasonable age for sleepover invitations to arrive.

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2022 13:08

Even if you know families well doesn't mean something won't happen, but statistically I think your child is at more risk from someone in your own family.

Maybe you can ask the family whether she can phone you at a certain time, to say whether she would like to stay over or come home. Give her a safe word she can say, so that just in case she doesn't feel able to say she wants to come home, she can say that word and you know to go and get her. You can then tell the parents that something has come up at home and you need to come and get her

collieresponder88 · 15/02/2022 13:11

I think you are being over protective. Part of having kids is letting them have their own lives. There is a small risk in everything we do but you have to put that into some kind of perspective and let them do things without us. She 8 is normally the age that sleepovers start. I think it's about learning to let go tbh

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