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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to explain non binary to me (genuine question)

584 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 15/02/2022 10:05

I have a new non binary person on my team at work (I am a manager)
They present as female-very much so in dress and grooming, they have a very feminine name too ,they have told me that they are heterosexual and live with their partner. However they want to be known as 'they' and the pronoun 'MX'
I am happily doing all this, I believe everyone should be comfortable and I will address people how they wish to be addressed.
I'm a teacher so my new member of the team is continually being misgendered by the students (due to the incongruity of appearance and pronoun) we have other non binary more androgynous looking staff who are not misgendered.
My new staff member is a nice person but they are very aware of correcting people, and have already complained (not about me)
I'm keen to do this right and not offend but also despite trying to read around the issue, I cant find much about non binary females who present in a feminine aspect.
This is not a bait thread or a stealth moan. It is a genuine question. Anyone got any experience with this?

OP posts:
GaiusHelenMohiam · 15/02/2022 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Justilou1 · 15/02/2022 10:11

Sounds like THEY are an attention-seeker who is culturally appropriating gender

araiwa · 15/02/2022 10:13

I'm not sure really what you want to know

I'd have thought the best person to ask would be them Confused

pancakesandsyrupplease · 15/02/2022 10:17

I have no idea. I work with someone who has the pronouns she / they in their email signature. She is is feminine, so I have no clue why she uses "they".

It seems like a very attention seeking way to try and challenge stereotypes of what is male and female.

x2boys · 15/02/2022 10:18

It seems people who "identify" as non binary can't just quietly go around being "non binary" they have to make sure everyone knows 🙄

TwoShades1 · 15/02/2022 10:18

I would just be honest with them and say that because they present in a stereotypical feminine way they are likely to be mis gendered by people that don’t know them. All they can do is correct people and once people know they should obviously use the correct terms.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 15/02/2022 10:19

@araiwa

I'm not sure really what you want to know

I'd have thought the best person to ask would be them Confused

I did start to ask , but they said they felt it was triggering to explain it but there was lots of stuff on the internet for me to find. But I genuinely have looked and I cannot find much at all.
OP posts:
x2boys · 15/02/2022 10:22

Do we really need , someone like this teaching ,young impressionable teens ,they ,need to get over themself,and accept they are not that special.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/02/2022 10:22

I would assume they are fighting off stereotypes that come with being “a woman” although I personally feel all the labelling can narrow the stereotype further. Working in a school dc regularly called me miss when I’m mrs. I didn’t care so long as they did what I asked so I find it all rather precious

ReformedWaywardTeen · 15/02/2022 10:22

So I'm sure OP would like some sensible answers not nasty comments based on personal views.

My DD has chosen to be non-binary. They explained their choice in a reasonable fashion and they are quite androgynous in style, hair etc. They have also shortened their given name to something more in the middle. We are still learning, they are patient of us.

What can you do? There's not much you're asked to do. They don't need adaptations or special treatment. Just as they said, respect their choice to use Mx/they/them. They're clearly happy to be female presenting (and not all non-binary people are LGBTQ+ on top, many are heterosexual).

I really don't get why people get so het up about it. It's made no difference to our family dynamic at all. We just respect calling our child they and them (in fact a joke at home was to call them Cousin It, they find this hilarious).

Would you get so miffed PPs about someone telling you they are vegan?!?

SD1978 · 15/02/2022 10:23

I don't understand the questions. You're happy to accept other non binary staff as they present how you assume they should, but this person causes you issue?

ThreeFeetTall · 15/02/2022 10:23

What are they asking you to do?
Could you talk to them in a coaching type of way- "what do you think would be the best way for you to respond when someone says this to you?"

Justilou1 · 15/02/2022 10:25

@x2boys - like vegans….

@crochetmonkey74 - if you have to manage this person, you also have to point out that you are managing everyone else. This person also needs to manage their expectations and allow for human error. Equality is a two way street and it demanding everything to go YOUR way IS binary. Non-binary also involves yes/no, wrong/right, intentional/accidental.

mumda · 15/02/2022 10:25

How do you pronounce MX?

Em ex? Or M(i)X?

Hollyhead · 15/02/2022 10:25

Everyone is non binary because gender norms are mad up social constructs.

MissM2912 · 15/02/2022 10:27

So are they a woman or a man who is presenting as a woman??? Confused.

MissM2912 · 15/02/2022 10:28

I also would guess if the kids are calling her Miss, the more she tells them not to the more they will do it.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 15/02/2022 10:28

Non binary people recognise that there are stereotypes associated with biological sex. They feel that these stereotypes don’t fit who they are as a person so they have decided that they are neither male or female instead of realising that stereotypes are rubbish and don’t define any of us unless we let them.
Remember back in the olden days of yore when girls were brought up to believe we could be or do anything despite our sex? It’s the opposite of that.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 15/02/2022 10:28

Maybe you should get the kids to call them teacher rather than miss/mx.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 15/02/2022 10:28

@SD1978

I don't understand the questions. You're happy to accept other non binary staff as they present how you assume they should, but this person causes you issue?
Not at all, no issue. I have stated that.
OP posts:
Thewoolmill · 15/02/2022 10:29

@Hollyhead, 100% agree!

buddylicious · 15/02/2022 10:30

I did start to ask , but they said they felt it was triggering to explain it but there was lots of stuff on the internet for me to find. But I genuinely have looked and I cannot find much at all.

You are doing what they have asked of you and referring to them how they have requested.

Is it down to you to sort out how everyone else refers to them? I don't think so!

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 15/02/2022 10:31

@ThreeFeetTall

What are they asking you to do? Could you talk to them in a coaching type of way- "what do you think would be the best way for you to respond when someone says this to you?"
This is a great idea as I'm aware lots of students are being reminded/spoken to a lot about misgendering and it is a genuine mistake for them, they forget as my colleagues presents traditionally female. So I need a way forward to consider how we will manage this that is sensible for my colleague and the kids
OP posts:
WorriedMumsDontSleep · 15/02/2022 10:31

Would you get so miffed PPs about someone telling you they are vegan?!?

Well firstly, yes people do. A lot of people see a personal choice to not eat animals as a comment on their own behaviour and moral standards.

But the difficulty with 'non binary' is it forces people who don't identify as NB into a box they don't belong in. I don't believe in gender ideology as it is entirely based on harmful stereotypes, but by someone declaring themselves non binary they are putting me in the binary box. I don't fit in that box because I have varied interests not all based on gender stereotypes. But if they can't write me off as CIs they can't make themselves look special by comparison.

Fact is all humans are NB because noone fits the sexist moulds. I have no time for those who believe this sexist crap whilst touting themselves as modern and progressive.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 15/02/2022 10:31

I did start to ask , but they said they felt it was triggering to explain it

What a very unexpected response. sarcasm

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