To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

Hi OP.

I can see you have had so many lovely, helpful responses but I just wanted to respond as your post really resonated.

I had my DD just over two years ago. She was born at 32 weeks due to Pre - E, via emergency c section. I exclusively pumped for the first 3 months as she was too small to breast feed (muscles in her mouth weren't developed enough). 6 weeks in the NICU, the trauma of the experience meant my mental health plummeted and at 3 months I switched to formula as I couldnt cope with pumping every 2 hours to keep my supply up.

I have 2 friends who were pregnant alongside me, we were all due around the same time. I had a similar experience with them. I 'didnt understand' how hard it was healing from their tears from their full term, natural birth (because healing from a EMCS is a walk in the park). I didn't get how hard it was breast feeding, the list goes on. One day I realised these ladies were nowhere to be seen when times were tough. I never heard from them when I was spending 24 hours sat at my babies incubator, but I was meant to feel bad for them and 'all they were going through'.

I cut contact, and it was the best thing I did. I think it's far better to have 0 mum friends than toxic mum friends. If these 'friendships' aren't bringing you anything positive, end them. If they ask you why, be honest.

(FWIW I have since made a few mum friends, baby groups help and I have made a few friends since DD started nursery).

These aren't friends. They aren't nice people. There's no doubt that looking after a newborn baby is hard work whether you breastfeed or formula feed. Some people get through hard times by inflating the virtuousness of their own choices, and demonising those who make other choices, as a way to help them cope with the inherent challenges of the choices they have made. There's no shortage of ways to make new mum friends. Start going to baby rhyme time song groups and other baby meetup activities in your area. All such activities will have at least one mum who is snobby about breastfeeding being the be-all-and-end-all but the vast majority of women outside the campaign groups (nct, LLL) are sane enough to understand that FF is the best choice for some women in some circumstances. (There are some sane individuals within the campaign groups but they are less prevalent). You were lumped together with your NCT group somewhat at random. There's no obligation to be friends with them.

Might get flamed for this but I've never understood why it's so important to some to have nct friends...I went to a couple of sensory classes but that was it, I wasn't there to make friends, I have friends with babies luckily anyway and I couldn't think of anything worse than hanging around more women with babies

I'll flame you for it. It's great if you already have friends with babies, but if your new in an area, or friends have older kids / no kids. Then maternity leave can be a very lonely time.
I arrived at baby group stressed, baby was crying, I couldn't settle him, DH was away with work, and I knew my next adult conversation wouldn't be until the next day. I made a friend that day!

One word for you. Ditch. Life is too short for this nonsense. Congratulations on your healthy baby.

They are awful.
Ditch them all.
I'm 45 and I have no children BUT what I've only just learned in the past couple of years is that if I've ended up crying because of something occurring in a friendship group or a hobby group, then the group obviously doesn't suit and I can be free to leave and move on to somewhere else. Not that it often happens but there have been a couple of cases and I did so much soul-searching as to whether I was to blame for other people's behaviour, what was I doing wrong to make them be so unkind to me that they ended up crying.
Nope - none of us has to put up with shit like this. Dump them and use the time saved to meet up with people you are going to get on better with.

Fuck them. At this age play dates are more for the mums anyway and they are damaging your mental health. Go to some Church or children’s centre stay and plays instead, that’s where I met the nicest mums.

Tell your friends you know someone who BF both their big babies until they were around 2.5, and they’ve both still caught the same early childhood bugs as the formula fed ones. My kids are no worse or better off for being BF.

It’s just another stigma fad to ignore. Some women get very territorial about it, not realising how unhelpful that is to non-BF new mums.

They may even be envious that having had a csection you still have all flaps in pristine order. Now that’s a topic that could deflect their attention away from the formula for you

Yes they’re being catty, and they’ll be talking behind your back, so just drop them.

Probably just hating cos your tits won’t hit your knees this time next year …. Ok I’m joking don’t soo jump on me.
These are definitely not the type of women I would spend any time with, go to baby groups and find some nice mum friends that don’t judge your every move.
They’re a bunch of bitches that are taking advantage of you being vulnerable, sound like fully grown mean girls, a bit thick too by the sounds of it cos their comments are ridiculous.

@LittleGwyneth

Leave the Whatsapp group without explanation, block them all and enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

DON’T block them. You’re going to spend the next ten years bumping into these people at swimming lessons / toddler groups / the school gate. Just start to withdraw. Keep it pleasant but vague and detached. Mute the notifications on the WhatsApp group if it helps.

Don’t flounce. MN isn’t real life.

Oh and I forgot the bit about baby having friends.

DS's best friend was through the baby group (not NCT as I've mentioned, but a local church hall one). I got on well with his mum so our babies grew up together.

But he's in a different friendship group at secondary school as the boys are in different classes. So DS (and his friend) have 'school best mates) that they hang around with. All four of them play on line gaming together, DS hangs out with his best friend's friends...so the group is ever expanding. Which is as it should be.

I imagine, as they leave school and go their own way, that the friendships will endure but change. Their lives will have friends coming and going all the way through it. I hope the two boys will still meet up for a drink when they're home seeing us parents but it will be what it will be. I meet up every few years with old school friends and it's like the years melt away (we all live in different parts of the country - a different country in one case actually so getting together more often is sometimes hard.) Not every good friend is an old one.

OP, this is the reason I never joined an NCT group when I was pregnant. I had friends in them in other cities who freely admitted that their groups were quite hostile to bottle feeding and medical intervention in labour. Having had all sorts of interventions to even get pregnant I knew I couldn’t put up with that garbage.
OP, take it from the mum of a 21 year old who is happy and healthy - in fact, very fit and athletic . Bottle feeding is fine. He’s far healthier than some of our friends Dc who were exclusively breastfed. He slept through the night at 8 weeks and I enjoyed my mat leave as soon as the colic had ended by about 11 to 12 weeks. I had breastfeeding friends who were totally exhausted and in an awful state. As far as I’m concerned I was not an inferior mother. I intended to breastfeed but not one midwife could get him to bf properly- he never rooted at all. It was a disaster but he took to bottle feeding very quickly. Thank god I had great support from community midwife, HV and GP.
I don’t think you’ll win with these people because they outnumber you and won’t want to acknowledge that they’re not in the right. I’d just leave them and find a different group.
There are plenty of breatstfeeding mums who don’t think it’s their mission to make bottle feeding mums feel bad. My own friends were great. One of them complained about a midwife who had told her child not to feed her doll with a bottle as she was worried that the child would repeat the comments to her friends who were bottle feeding.

They sound smug.

IF you still did want to meet with them, I would minimise and dismiss their comments as daft.

Like that's right, bottle fed babies never cry with side eye
That's interesting, I wouldn't be able to tell what anyone's birth weight or how they were fed as an infant just by looking at them. Can you?

Decide to stop seeing them and you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders! Also your baby doesn’t need friends. He just needs you happy and healthy. So ditch them!

1/3 through my second pregnancy and I still have no idea what NCT actually means. What I do have is a lovely, sociable little girl who loves going to nursery.

We didn't take her to any playgroups, sensory classes, etc. but even so she settled into nursery within a few days, do an NCT can't be that important. I've also never felt the need for "mum friends" - honestly I find talking about babies (other than mine) a bit boring!

I didn’t bother with NCT (or any anti natal classes!). I made Mum friends at playgroups, one of which I’m close to 10 years later. These women are awful. Fed is best OP. I also think don’t sack them off too obviously though as you are bound to run into them. Just fade out and go find your tribe elsewhere.

I'm so sorry OP that's horrible. I had a very different experience in my group many years ago with mixed success with BF.

It's really up to you if you continue to see them.

If you enjoy their company other than the feeding comments and you'd like to stay friends you need to call them out on their behaviour.

Is there one person you're closer to who you can confide in and get them onside?

Perhaps you could get in contact with the original teacher and ask for support with their "mis-information". Alternatively they might be able to put you in another group with similar aged babies.

Awful behaviour, I’m so sorry. It’s such a vulnerable time and this is the last thing you need. Option a, just start to say no to things and it will fizzle, option b, lean into the difficulty and tell them of their impact on you (only do this if you’re supported in other ways).

Fed in best and you’re baby will be fab whatever you do. You’re doing awesome and I’m so sorry they are so needlessly judgemental. My group of 8 (2 girls 6 boys) BF, bottle fed, sleep trained / didn’t - they’ve all turned into fine humans. You’ll find your tribe OP x

OP my niece had the same happen at NCT, she had only the merest trickle of breast milk and both she and baby ended up in hospital!
Go to groups that are geographically local to you. Libraries and local churches often have good groups. My SIL (who was a older single mother) with a bit of enquiring found one group to go to every day so she got out with her son as much as possible.
Congratulations on your lovely son, look after yourself and him and ignore the judgmental mums, you are doing your very best for your son

I breastfed all my babies.. I’ve breastfed for 7 years so far and I’d never speak to someone like this.. I hate that BF/FF competitiveness, it’s so unfair. I also know loads of FF babies that wake in the night and BF that sleep through (my third being one of them)- that’s just the luck of the drawer not what you’re feeding them!

From one mum to another .. I’m so sorry they’re acting like this. Leave that group and meet some more laid back ones mate.

@emzz89x

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅 I can't compete with that 😂

I grow quite a lot of fruit and veg - doesn't stop teenage DS2 opting for a pot noodle if there is one in the cupboard

Yeah I'd take a step back. Find other groups to meet friends at and socialise. Once lo goes school they make their own friends anyway

@Katela18

Hi OP.

I can see you have had so many lovely, helpful responses but I just wanted to respond as your post really resonated.

I had my DD just over two years ago. She was born at 32 weeks due to Pre - E, via emergency c section. I exclusively pumped for the first 3 months as she was too small to breast feed (muscles in her mouth weren't developed enough). 6 weeks in the NICU, the trauma of the experience meant my mental health plummeted and at 3 months I switched to formula as I couldnt cope with pumping every 2 hours to keep my supply up.

I have 2 friends who were pregnant alongside me, we were all due around the same time. I had a similar experience with them. I 'didnt understand' how hard it was healing from their tears from their full term, natural birth (because healing from a EMCS is a walk in the park). I didn't get how hard it was breast feeding, the list goes on. One day I realised these ladies were nowhere to be seen when times were tough. I never heard from them when I was spending 24 hours sat at my babies incubator, but I was meant to feel bad for them and 'all they were going through'.

I cut contact, and it was the best thing I did. I think it's far better to have 0 mum friends than toxic mum friends. If these 'friendships' aren't bringing you anything positive, end them. If they ask you why, be honest.

(FWIW I have since made a few mum friends, baby groups help and I have made a few friends since DD started nursery).

I'm so very sorry you went through this. What a horrible, frightening, lonely time it must have been. I'm glad you felt strong enough to cut those women loose and I hope your daughter is doing well now.

OP, please do the same. This behaviour will only get worse, as plenty of people have pointed out. You will find your people, and as your son grows he will find his. Please don't feel any duty to keep anyone around for his sake.

They sound awful! Go to different baby groups and find your people xx

Growing their own veg 😂🙈 They sound seriously competitive!
Really hope you can find some none judgey friends - these lot sound like they’ll judge on anything. Says more about them and how they need their choices validated than what you/others do.
Making good choices for yourself and your baby are what’s most important and that includes your mental well-being. You sound a lovely mum and I’m sure if you branch out you’ll find some more supportive fun folk to hang out with.

@emzz89x

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅 I can't compete with that 😂

This is amazing 🤣🤣🤣. She'll get such satisfaction when they lob her lovingly-grown carrots on the floor with a face of disgust 🤣