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Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 09:59

@emzz89x

Thank you! I will start looking up some baby/ toddler groups around us. Maybe not too close to where we live as the group attends quite a few classes around.

I never realised how low they got me until recently ..so I'm happy to cut them out of our lives.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Made me feel like a capable mother again 😊

I know they're not for everyone, but my DGC went to sing and sign and that was lovely.

Church halls often have mum and baby or toddler groups

Sadly you'll meet know-it-all idiots everywhere but there's nice women out there too.

And if they ever get in contact, feel free to tell them what ignorant arsses they are!

iloveyankeecandle · 15/02/2022 09:59

Life's too short! Fed is best! Go out there and meet some other lovely mummies! Don't waste another second worrying about it. Go to a new group, make nice new friends and when they ask to meet up, tell them you're busy with new friends!!

Bananarama21 · 15/02/2022 10:01

I don't think NCT friends rarely work out you are only randomly thrown together because you all having a baby at the same time. Alot have competitive mums. I'd reduce contact and avoid meet ups. Your better off finding friends at playgroups.

Bopping298 · 15/02/2022 10:01

I'm so sorry you're having this experience which is blighting this precious time with your lovely baby boy. I would just drop these people, honestly. It's so sad and lame that they are using BF as a way to feel superior and belittle you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with FF! My first boy was FF and his immunity is way better than the second boy who was BF! I've kept in touch with one friend from NCT but had zero in common with the others (also had some annoying people in the group too). Don't worry about not finding new friends and friends for you you and your son. You will meet people in no time at all - as soon as he is walking and going to local parks you will meet other mums, or in cafes, at the nursery or childminder. Just drop these losers. Sending you hugs!

Knittingnanny2 · 15/02/2022 10:02

I was in the NCT in the early 80’s and did make a few lifelong friends, all in our mid 60’s now, but.... I bottle fed all mine ( duff boob one side) and can still remember the horror on some faces.
I once asked a host mum if she would warm a bottle for me one coffee morning and she held it aloft in front of all of us and giggled “ what do I do with it? I’ve never done this before” I can still remember how small it made me feel as a young first time mum doing her best to feed a baby.
Just choose the mums you like to socialise with and ditch the rest.

BSky · 15/02/2022 10:03

Oh my you poor woman. What thoughtless people your NCT group are. Find some other mum’s who can empathise and be kind. Tea, wine, cake & kindness are what you need. Maybe some more experienced mum’s who know each birth is different each baby & mother unique. I had trouble with my son gaining weight/feeding (and napping) it really hits you hard when people comment or judge. it’s like a basic instinct but so common to have these issues. These ladies may find down the line or if they have another child that they have similar problems and they will realise how mean they have been. Competitiveness about feeding, sleeping, weaning, any developments will drain you. Move away from the mean moms!

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 15/02/2022 10:03

NCT friends are like freshers' week friends. You bond unnaturally quickly over a shared intense experience and only find out later if you actually have anything in common.

Knittingnanny2 · 15/02/2022 10:03

@iloveyankeecandle yes, I use that phrase too
Fed is best

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/02/2022 10:03

They need to get over themselves. What bitches. I bottle fed my big boy and as a result had lovely quiet nights. He's a happy healthy 40 year old now and we,re very close.

thebigpurpleone · 15/02/2022 10:04

@emzz89x

Thank you! I will start looking up some baby/ toddler groups around us. Maybe not too close to where we live as the group attends quite a few classes around.

I never realised how low they got me until recently ..so I'm happy to cut them out of our lives.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Made me feel like a capable mother again 😊

Even if they do, who cares? You'll make new friends. Why should you not attend the closest ones.
Overandout1 · 15/02/2022 10:04

They sound truly awful. Your baby will not miss out by you not being around judgy, nasty people.
Don't feel bad about anything. Some baby's are breastfed, some are not. Some people find breast feeding easy and some struggle. There is nothing wrong with feeding your son formula and they are being mean and ridiculous! I'd never go back to the group.

Lemonata · 15/02/2022 10:05

OP I’ve faced loads of judgement and disapproval for breastfeeding, because 99% of mums I’ve met decided to formula feed.

It doesn’t matter what choices you make, shitty people will always find a way to be shitty. Just remember that people are only like this when they feel dissatisfied with life and need to take that out on someone. Good luck trying the new groups!

kalidasa · 15/02/2022 10:05

You're doing fine OP. All babies are different and these women are probably feeling just as insecure as you are about various things. (Also, people fib a LOT about things like sleep, feeding etc.) But obviously they're making you feel rubbish so you should avoid for a while. I think NCT groups can be pretty intense because usually everyone is a first-timer. I'd have a look around for other baby/toddler groups (churches and children's centres often run them) where there might be more of a mix including some mums with older ones as well, who are likely to be a bit more relaxed & less competitive.

I also found NCT group meet-ups too intense/depressing after DS1 (felt like he was so much trickier than everyone else's baby!), but carried on meeting up with a couple of the women I liked most 1:1 and that was much better.

Knittingnanny2 · 15/02/2022 10:06

@YippieKayakOtherBuckets that’s an excellent analogy, very true

heyitsthistle · 15/02/2022 10:07

People always bang on about the stigma of being a breastfeeding mother in public, but nobody talks about the stigma of being a formula feeding mother! There's so much judgement for making sure your baby is fed. It's awful and I hate it.

Sod them and their comments, you'll make new friends easily and they will be good ones.

Lovemydoggie · 15/02/2022 10:10

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance….am absolutely howling with laughter at your allergic to arseholes comment…absolutely brilliant 🤩

CulturePigeon · 15/02/2022 10:11

Oh dear - yes, I get the impression that NCT people can be nice...but also prim and self-righteous if you're unlucky.

If you really don't want to see them again I would tell them why - that you felt uncomfortable in the group, unsupported and judged. Let them put that in their pipes and smoke it! All too often mean people get away with their meanness - so do call them out on it (in a calm way) whether or not you want to maintain any contact. It would be interesting to hear their responses!

cherrysthename · 15/02/2022 10:12

They are insecure, ridiculous weirdos, OP. Not getting into the breast/formula commentary.
I would absolutely tell them how I see them, and probably ask them to go fuck themselves, politely if wished. What they make of you after that really doesn't matter. No new mother needs to be dealing with this shit.

Pyewhacket · 15/02/2022 10:13

I've had three kids, now teenagers. They were all formula fed as I went straight back to work. They have all grown up fit and healthy. None of them have allergies.

Suggest you tell the Breastazi to fuck right off.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2022 10:15

Isn't it breastfed babies that are meant to be huge, anyway? Maybe they are not doing as well as they think... Most likely some are jealous if they think you are getting more sleep.

Your 7 month old doesn't need baby friends - you are his number one hero. I would try some different groups. I found local church playgroups good for meeting a mix of more normal people. It's good to get away from the oppressive middle class vibe of NCT

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2022 10:16

I also think you will feel better if you call them out on their stupid comments.

ExConstance · 15/02/2022 10:16

Just to say your son will be fine on formula. I struggled so hard with my first it spoiled my experience as a mother for four weeks. I didn't even try with my second as I couldn't go through that again. They were both very academic and are very fit young adults so they more than survived the experience. NCT friends tend to drift apart anyway, just end your involvement with this toxic little group asap and enjoy being with your baby.

nitsandwormsdodger · 15/02/2022 10:16

I ff mine and always felt the need to explain that I tried really really really hard before having to ff otherwise she was about to be admitted to hospital ... second baby I went down the pub on day two of trying and couldn’t give a crap just felt relief she was taking a bottle

I had health visitor who felt the need to tell me Brest was best and ALL the reasons why so I burst into hysterical tears and I think she will now always thinks twice before Telling another mother she is shit.

Are you brave enough to tell these women why you need to step back? It may do them good to think outside their baby brain for once?

“ hey everyone I’m going to take a break from the group as it’s not doing my self esteem any good right now, I am particularly sensitive around my ff situation and need build myself up at bit before socialising. Hope you can understand, hope to meet up next time “

billy1966 · 15/02/2022 10:19

Definitely try as many baby toddler groups as you have in the surrounding area.

Remember you are not looking for 20 new best friends, just a couple of women whose compzny you enjoy.

Out of the dozens and dozens of women I met over the years, I have kept 2 close to me for nearly 20 years.

That was enough.

SonicBroom · 15/02/2022 10:20

Can I just add a word of advice….

…DONT BURN YOUR BRIDGES

I know they’ve made you feel shit and there’s no way you should have to take that, but if you are going to leave the group, do so with the knowledge that you WILL see them at clubs and activities in the future, and most likely at the school gate too.