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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 15/02/2022 10:21

Pretty typical of nct groups. Attracts a certain type. They are run in a venue I work in and I'd say 80% are the "not my child" pfb type.

Bentoforthehorde · 15/02/2022 10:23

I make massive babies. Photo is breastfed DD at maybe 4 months old. She switched to formula at 6 months and actually thinned out.
I've breastfed 4 babies and managed not to be a dick about it, just find a new crowd. They will probably get worse, you dont want to be around when their toddlers are grazing on organic only as your perfectly normal toddler eats crackers off the floor. There's enough guilt and self doubt in parenting without the judgement of others. Also don't feel like you have to stay in whatever friendship group you make, parenting styles can be so different, it's OK to move on if you're not compatible.
Congratulations on your baby OP x

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 15/02/2022 10:25

Bit of a shame there are formula feeding mums in here who are as bad as the bitches in the OP’s breastfeeding groups for their attitudes.

Given that the vast majority of mothers formula feed even the hallowed NCT must have bottle and formula feeders amongst them.

How you and they feed their babies isn’t the issue.
The issue is these women are not very nice people with low levels of empathy emotional intelligence and as such are best avoided. The breastfeeding stuff is just an aspect of how they fist to function in these ways, there will be many others. Heads up their own arses.

Life’s too short. Move on.

HermioneKipper · 15/02/2022 10:25

What a nasty bunch they sound. The point of NCT is to support eachother not to bring eachother down. Awful. Ditch them all. Do you go to any baby classes? Why don’t you catch someone’s eye and suggest coffee afterwards or something.

Good luck, there’s loads of lovely mums out there. You just got unlucky with the lot you got matched up with initially x

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/02/2022 10:29

@SonicBroom

Can I just add a word of advice….

…DONT BURN YOUR BRIDGES

I know they’ve made you feel shit and there’s no way you should have to take that, but if you are going to leave the group, do so with the knowledge that you WILL see them at clubs and activities in the future, and most likely at the school gate too.

That's a really , REALLY good point. Just withdraw and say you're busy etc,when you see them and you will lots of smiles and superficial chit chat.
Lockdownbear · 15/02/2022 10:30

You'll certainly come across some of them again. I think I'd loosen ties but not break them completely.

The babies are 7mths, the conversation will soon turn to food and weaning, then it will be walking and words as they hit 12 mths. Before potty training.
You might also find the group will break up a bit in the next 6 weeks as the babies hit 8.5 mths and mums start to return to work. Money runs out at 9mths not everyone can afford 3mths with on income.

But I'd also try to widen your circle of friends by going to other groups.

Synchrony · 15/02/2022 10:33

It's so sad to hear their attitude. I did NCT the majority of them actually formula feed. No matter what you do, people will make stupid comments (one of the group has a very big baby and the health visitor was sooo rude to her). I get judgement for breastfeeding my one year old. My friend is judged for having an elective C-Section. Another is judged for having two children under two.

Can't win really. Just try to be confident in your decisions. Personally I'd either tell these people how they are making you feel (if you think they are nice really, but just oblivious), or cut them out (if they are bitches).

Synchrony · 15/02/2022 10:34

Also, my NCT group only meets up about once every 2-3mo now nearly everyone is back at work.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 15/02/2022 10:35

These women sound vile, please don't meet up with them again then are not good for your mental health. Try and find baby/toddler groups you can go to and meet new Mum's and your baby can mix with other little ones.

PerditaPerdita · 15/02/2022 10:36

Find more friends and let those smug toxic bitches GO.

Sorry but this is only the start - motherhood brings out the mean girls I'm afraid :( xx

doadeer · 15/02/2022 10:39

These women are mean and sound horrible. Start going to baby groups and meet some nice women.

I agree with your DH - they are toxic for your mental health.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/02/2022 10:39

I've just remembered a 'snooty NCT' mum at our local 1 o'clock club many moons ago, she was soooo smugHmm It all changed when her kid started walloping other kids,including mine, out of frustration and it just gave us the opportunity to bond over a coffee as my ds was lively a holy terror too. We never ended up as good friends but the dynamics were certainly shifted.

Original poster
emzz89x · 15/02/2022 10:40

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅
I can't compete with that 😂

OP posts:
konasana · 15/02/2022 10:40

There's something weird about how babies are fed that really gets people's backs up and makes them act very strangely about other people's choices. Can you imagine them getting this het up about you deciding to buy a car that was different to theirs? It's not really any different to that, just another life choice.

If it makes you feel any better, I BF DD for 6 months and really struggled with it, and felt secretly jealous of the FF babies because it seemed (although in retrospect I know it wasn't) easier. Never would I have let anyone know I had those thoughts!

If people are mean/horrible about others, it usually comes from a bad place. Happy, content people do not lash out at others like this.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/02/2022 10:42

It makes no difference what they're fed as babies, give it 13 years and they'll all be necking fizzy drinks on their way to school and undoing all the hard work you think you put in when they were babies Wink

sqirrelfriends · 15/02/2022 10:42

They're not nice people. YANBU

Tiredalwaystired · 15/02/2022 10:46

The only thing you have in common is you all had sex around the same time! (or at least, got pregnant at the same time)

My NCT class were lovely but 13 years later and I’m only in touch with one. I made other friends through local playgroups, swimming lessons, nursery, school - the list is endless. This is a small group of people that can be as significant or insignificant as you want them to be. If you’re getting nothing from the friendship don’t think twice about moving on. Hope you find your tribe soon xxx

gonetogroundnow · 15/02/2022 10:46

I do think generally NCT attracts a whole new level of mum cunt, I joined one with my first and left shortly after I gave birth - one of them was so rude to me because I was EBF but had had the gall to have a glass of wine occasionally 🤯

I'd definitely never see them again, they sound nasty. FWIW, my best friend and I both EBF our babies who were born at a similar time, mine was on the small side of normal and hers was on the big side of normal - were all different, he's not going to suffer from you feeding him what is right for you both. X

Sleepyquest · 15/02/2022 10:47

Omg ditch them. I had to give up breastfeeding at four months and so couldn't join in with the breastfeeding chatter but was so smug inside that my baby slept through the night early on. There were a lot of benefits to formula but I felt like I couldn't talk about them. Your NCT group seem like martyrs though. Who cares how somebody else's baby is fed!?
I'd start winding them up, especially with the weaning stuff! Make out you're attending cooking courses or something Grin

FTEngineerM · 15/02/2022 10:50

@emzz89x

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅 I can't compete with that 😂
No fucker can, remind them that teenagers eat 80% processed food (what am I feeding my kids doc on iplayer).

They’ll all end up smashing 2000 cal dominos in the student halls whether they had formula or breast/organic or not, relax guys.

Somethingsnappy · 15/02/2022 10:51

I have worked for the NCT. Interestingly, we were advised not to mention protection against allergies, if talking about health outcomes of BF and FF, as this is not something that is properly understood yet. There are so very many factors that influence whether a child develops allergies or not, one of them being whether a child has grown up with pets in the home (evidence suggest this can be a protective factor). Ask your NCT 'friends' if they have pets. If they don't, ask them if they're worried their children will develop allergies. Perhaps this will highlight to them how stupid their question to you was.

EKGEMS · 15/02/2022 10:51

@Mouldyfeet Your story is very similar to mine-l was on life support four days after emergency c-section and formula fed when I had planned to breast feed. Glad you and child are well. @emzz89x You are doing a great job as a mom ignore the bitches

user1471538283 · 15/02/2022 10:55

Right, if you were mine I would tell you to knock these people right on the head! You are doing a brilliant job and you do not need to justify why or what you are feeding your baby. He is clearly thriving and that is all that matters!

Everyone becomes a sodding expert. I was formula fed (back in the day when they were not nearly as good as now) and I don't have any allergies.

You will make other friends who will support you. You do not need these people in your life.

You are doing a great job!

BeanAnTae · 15/02/2022 10:55

emzz89x - you'll make plenty of friends in other Mum and baby classes. I went to the NCT coffee mornings for a while but drifted off to baby massage and baby and music classes. Never looked back. They really don't sound like nice people. I agree with the other poster further up who said don't burn bridges because you'll bump into them occasionally. Just be busy doing other things and phase the group out. Congratulations on your little boy - enjoy every moment! I had a cs and couldn't get breastfeeding going at all. As MN says everyone fed and noone dead. That's my mantra too!

Tiredly · 15/02/2022 10:55

Bitches!
Fwiw my 2 nieces who were formula fed unfortunately have many allergies whilst my ff dc has none. Find a better group of friends op

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