To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP- I left my mother and baby and nct groups for exactly the same reason - do't worry.

Same scenario except planned early c section for medical complications, v medicalised pregnancy, tube fed child on NICU C section you name it I was the antichrist!!

Basically told them after 4 miscarriages and finally having a healthy child I did not give a shit what they thought, their opinions etc and I was not traumatised by the expereince I was ecstatic.

RElease yourself -you will feel better!

He'll make friends at school. They really don't care about other children until they're 3ish.
Having a baby in common is all you have in common witb these women and it's not enough.

Oh they sound horrible. Don't see them again, you don't need negative people like that in yours or your child's life. Just wanted to add that there is nothing wrong with formula feeding, my daughter was formala fed, as my milk didn't come in properly, and she is a perfectly healthy 7 year old with no allergies. I would rather have a fed baby than a hungry baby.

Being BFed didn't spare DS1 from multiple allergies

At school, I know how 3 of the children were fed as babies... 2 are mine, 1 is of a close friend who also lives in catchment. No idea about any of the others. Feeding babies, weaning methods, prams/ baby wearing etc feels big at the time but it's not that long before it's a tiny portion of your child's life.

I'd quietly slip away from the group especially if it's likely that you will see some of them around longer term.

I haven't made lasting friendships purely out of motherhood. However I have other friends from other aspects of my life and I've made friendly aquaintences but nothing deeper. I tended to find that the cheaper a baby/ toddler group was, the friendlier. Not a firm rule, but dearer activities (especially if they have loads of wanky pseudo-educational claims) were more attractive to the competitive types that I don't naturally gel with. It's good for you and baby to get out and see friendly people and anything else is a bonus. Just don't cling to people you find hurtful.

They're dicks. There are plenty of nice baby groups to join.

People are just judgemental idiots sometimes. All my kids are formula fed as I couldn't breastfeed. Women should have a choice and fuck off to anyone who takes their choices away. If you can stand up to them then do it tell them what pretentious fools they are being. Motherhood is a special journey not a competition.

Might get flamed for this but I've never understood why it's so important to some to have nct friends...I went to a couple of sensory classes but that was it, I wasn't there to make friends, I have friends with babies luckily anyway and I couldn't think of anything worse than hanging around more women with babies 😅.
I do get the support aspect but whenever someone else has a baby a similar agr jt all turns to comparing this abd that. Tbh I even avoid my friend when we have babies the same age until they're at least 1 as by then no kne gives a shit about comparing anymore.e

@TicTacHoh

Unfortunately NCT seems to disproportionately attract the holier than thou types. Phase them out, there are plenty of normal mums out there to be friends with, I promise!

Yep. Avoid those at all costs. Also avoid the vegan is best. Don't do x y or z because your baby shouldn't have x y or z.

You do you and find similar people.

7 month old can’t make or have friends they do that when they go to school so don’t let that be a factor in decision making

Just to add to everyone else’s comments - sounds like they’re a bunch of arseholes. There’s literally nothing worse than competitive parenting and the irony is it doesn’t matter one jot how you feed them or when they do things as long as they’re fed and happy.

My NCT group was largely lovely, but I did feel sorry for the ones FF as the conversation always tended to be manipulated by a few to BF chat. It also ironically turned into a competitive parenting chat of when BF babies were weaned. So it literally went from BF is best to “oh no you should have stopped by now…”. Literally no winners in the feeding chat.

I think it sounds like you’re doing a great job - also 11lb baby and c section - ouch!

Just anecdotally, in my nct group the BF babies unfortunately seemed to get all the allergies and colds going! One of the FF ones was nearly 2yo before they got their first cold!
It’s not a given that it would be the other way round. A lot of factors are involved.

My NCT group didn’t gel at all - no issues with judgment etc, the group just didn’t work.

There are loads of ways to make other friends and you’re more likely to have something in common with them too! The best friends I made were a group of women I got chatting to at a weaning clinic run by the local health visitors. Also met some lovely people at playgrounds. I met a really good friend just by striking up a conversation with her about her buggy while waiting at a pedestrian crossing. Turned out we did the same job and had loads in common! Also recommend church playgroups and things like Rhymetime at the library. Local soft plays also often host meet ups. And if you can find a mum and baby yoga class in your area that’s a good one too.

Just think - if you take your baby out of this equation, would you normally feel obliged to remain friends with a bunch of people who are mean to you and make you feel unhappy? Would you want your son to do the same? Of course not.

Also, as a fellow big baby parent, some people definitely do like to judge you about it - I’ve no idea why. But I love a big chubby roly-poly baby. My eldest was off the top of the chart for a while as a baby (breastfed, so nothing to do with formula) but has slimmed right down now.

Same here, @Chasingaftermidnight. We just didn’t like one another. Which is a pity, but hardly surprising.

I can assure you not all baby groups are like this. They are nasty and need to get their facts straight. Formula feeding is absolutely fine. It’s just another way of feeding baby. I stopped breastfeeding early too as my son is big and cluster fed all the time. It just wasn’t sustainable but I’m proud of what I did do. No one in my baby group made a comment but were more pleased I was getting on better with formula feeding better. Even if they disagree with you they shouldn’t be expressing those opinions. The group should be about mutual support not ganging up on someone who has different circumstances. I’m so sorry you had nct with these people. I’d definitely become busy at look at other groups to join.

Another one saying ditch them, your DH is quite right. You’ve just been unlucky to get a nasty group. Move on. SonicBoom is wise to say don’t make a scene or a big deal of it, just quietly move on, too busy, bumped into an old friend and I’m seeing more of her etc. as she says you may meet some of them at the school gate further down the line.

No idea why they are being so mean to you, maybe some of them wanted a boy and are jealous? The point of a group like this is supposed to be solidarity and a laugh together not being mean! Be happy and enjoy your baby.

Just phase them out, it’s not worth your mental health. Find some new classes/groups to go to. Mine ditched me because I went back to work and didn’t want to be associated with me when I had a miscarriage 🙄

Leave the Whatsapp group without explanation, block them all and enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

Firstly, your NCT group sounds smug and awful, so do walk away and find some other groups that are more friendly and supportive. We have one family who are still our good friends from nct; our kids are 18. We have made lots of other friends along the way. Your baby isn’t missing out.

I gave up on my NCT group very soon after DS's birth. Similarly to you I was FF - different reason, DS was born with a heart condition and we had to be very sure how much feed he was taking so we had to measure what was left after each feed. Easy with FF, not easy with BF! But still I got remarks.

When we moved I joined a lovely parent and baby group - 6 of the women who went to it are still friends 14 years later. I honestly can't remember who FF and who BF.

Just as an aside, not long after I had DS, I bumped into our breast feeding counsellor from the hospital. She asked how I was and how baby was. I explained that he'd been born with a heart condition and I was now having to FF (my milk didn't come in properly anyway so I would have been struggling). I must have looked sad when I said it as she put her arm around me and said 'You're feeding your baby. He's doing well. Those things are all that matter. Enjoy your cuddles with him when you're feeding, that's all he'll remember'. So if my breast advocating counsellor was happy with FF so was I and I never looked back or explained myself again.

I hate my NCT group and they’re not half as bad as yours sound. Unfortunately, some Mums see parenthood as a competitive sport and can be patronising arseholes.
Ditch them and try a couple of other baby groups if you want some Mum friends - you’ll find your tribe and those women will lift you up when you need it most xx

Ask them how they feel about their mothers who fed them formula. My sister tried to breast feed her son to no avail and so had to formula feed him. My boyfriend at the tume said he had started to look like the last chicken on the shelf in tescos. Lol. So she whipped out the formula. It happens. You're feeding and caring for him that's all he needs. What witches they are. Give it time life won't always be their friend then maybe they won't be so judgemental.

They're not friends because that's not how friends treat each other, so definitely ditch them.
I'd hazard a guess that they'll be in constant competition with each other - who's baby walked first, said their first word, first to adore quinoa etc etc etc!
You and your baby will be better off without the self righteous vipers.

Grow her own veg to feed baby! Well good luck to her, wonder how the veg patch will be doing on baby number 3 can't 'compete' with that is a good one actually, it isn't a competition - this group don't seem to realise that! You have many years ahead to meet baby friends.

There's no rule that says you need to be life long friends with your NCT group. I know a lot of people are, but it isn't a universal experience. It was what I was hoping for from my group, but it didn't happen for me either. I'm not in contact with anyone from my group.

@emzz89x

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅 I can't compete with that 😂

Blimey, she's in for a long road ahead! 😄

Reminds me of the old "Smack the Pony" comedy sketches with the competitive mums talking about their children's packed lunches and one mum says her darling daughter can only drink from a flask of her own distilled tears.

That's the spirit, keep your sense of humour, detach from the (bonkers) group and you'll find new mum mates as you try other groups. Just wanted to echo a previous poster and say don't burn your bridges, as with kids you might find yourself all bumping into each other in the future at activities/school/parties!