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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
RachaelN · 16/02/2022 08:17

Yanbu. Women need their own support network for personal mum things. The dad's can create their own group.
Then occasionally have a mixed meet up?

It would completely change the dynamic tbh.

SomeOwlsCoo · 16/02/2022 08:27

@ivykaty44

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal
What? Illegal? To meet up with friends and not their other sex partners? (Or indeed same sex). So sports teams should be mixed sex? Hospital wards? Prisons? Because it wouldn't be fair to exclude men from the women's teams/words and vice versa.

Incidentally I meet up 2-3 times per year with my very best friends from childhood. It would be more often but we live at different ends of the country. We are all women.
One of us is married to a man and has DC. One of us is single and has DC. One is married to a woman with no DC.
The DCs and spouses are very rarely invited. Because we are meeting as a group of 3 with a shared history. The spouses and DC are fine with this. How could anyone possibly argue that's unreasonable Confused

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2022 08:35

There was a really touching news item yesterday about men dealing with pregnancy loss. How there's little or no institutional support and they either don't know how to talk about it, who to talk to, don't want to burden their partner with their own feelings, or communicate differently from women.

The piece featured men who had set up their own support groups, including a football team. So they were doing an activity together, rather than talking about things all the time but they all had something in common.

A good example of how, while stuff focused on children works for both sexes, the kind of communication and support men need, in relation to pregnancy and childbirth, can be quite different from that needed by women.

DePfeffoff · 16/02/2022 09:07

@RachaelN

Yanbu. Women need their own support network for personal mum things. The dad's can create their own group. Then occasionally have a mixed meet up?

It would completely change the dynamic tbh.

But the women in this group don't feel that it needs to be a women only group, hence being OK to allow men in. OP seems to be the only one actually objecting.
Hmm1234 · 16/02/2022 09:23

That’s funny he left the baby at home with mom and popped in for a coffee. Only single dads should really be allowed in the group for extra support if needed

HowlingKale · 16/02/2022 09:42

Well some women want their partners to join. At least one woman doesn't.
I suspect there would be others not happy but not feeling like rocking the boat.
(So true that in life if you want things your way you have to be bold.)

ldontWanna · 16/02/2022 09:43

But the women in this group don't feel that it needs to be a women only group, hence being OK to allow men in. OP seems to be the only one actually objecting.

There's at least one other woman who has suggested the dads start their own group who was ignored.

You can't conclude OP is the only one unhappy just because she's the only one posting on this thread. After all she hasn't said anything on the group either . It's not that far fetched to assume other women might feel the same but don't want to be rude,unkind,sexist or whatever other words have been thrown around.

HowlingKale · 16/02/2022 09:44

Oh yes I'd overlooked the dads group suggestion.

PleasantBirthday · 16/02/2022 09:53

I think if you want the nature of the group to change, the whole group needs to decide and agree together. This thing of one person taking the initiative to include their partner regardless of the feelings of the other members isn't right. It puts people in a very awkward position where they have to look like they object to the (probably fine) individual personally rather than the overall change.

Gizacluethen · 16/02/2022 10:03

I think this is a common problem. We had a similar dilemma once babies were born because we recognised that dad's needed support too but there isn't anything for them. We made them a dads Facebook group so they could support eachother. They never use it.

I've found it really hard because my husband needed support but I couldn't cope as his sole support and no one would bloody support him!

JakeDad · 16/02/2022 10:09

Seems to me there should be some of each...

Some spaces clearly stating mums only, and some open to all -- there are benefits to having a space to chat with other mums when no men are ever present, and there are benefits to everyone hearing one another's perspectives. If it was always segregated or always a mix, that'd be a less good overall situation.

This particular group sounds like it was clearly set up for mums only (and to be's), so it's easy to stick to that, I'd have thought. No doubt someone was being well-intentioned, but as others have said, it very often changes the dynamic of a group.

Monopolyiscrap · 16/02/2022 10:11

@Gizacluethen didn't he have any friends?

longwayoff · 16/02/2022 10:20

As far as I can tell, when men are looking for support they're generally looking for a woman to be giving that support rather than other men. They should not be seeking that in a mothers support group where shared female experience is the unifying factor, not the sex of the applicant. Anyone who has a problem with that has other, more pressing, problems they should address.

MummyMayo1988 · 16/02/2022 11:49

I was thinking about joining a breastfeeding club after having DS3. It said "Dad's Welcome" tho and that put me right off. I thought it was rather weird to have a random bloke in the room while we're all sat around disgusting our sore/leaking boobs and feeding. I was interested in other mums opinions on what the best products were ext - I didn't want to sit and explain my boobs while a bloke sat and listened.
Women seem to want to drag their husbands along to everything now days and while my DH is super supportive; attending a mums club would be his idea of a nightmare.

Monopolyiscrap · 16/02/2022 12:02

@MummyMayo1988 I would not go to a group like that either. But I know there are mums who seem incapable of going anywhere without their husband or partner.

PleasantBirthday · 16/02/2022 12:04

But what kind of bloke sees a group for breastfeeding mums and thinks that's somewhere they're bound to fit right in?

ManicPixie · 16/02/2022 12:15

This is clealy a communication issue as some of the mums have very different ideas of what the group is meant to be, so it's hard to blame the dads when it was the mums who invited them. To them it was just a breezy coffee meetup.

Monopolyiscrap · 16/02/2022 13:34

@PleasantBirthday their partners do

PleasantBirthday · 16/02/2022 13:35

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@PleasantBirthday their partners do[/quote]
They are allowed to say, actually, do you know what? I might make the other women uncomfortable by my presence so how about I don't go?

Monopolyiscrap · 16/02/2022 13:37

Yes that is true.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 16/02/2022 13:39

YANBU.

It does piss me off that school WhatsApp groups and kids party organising groups etc seem to often exclude men when many families share the organising role.

But a social meet up group focused on female groups is totally different. No reason not to have mixed groups as well but they don’t need to be the same!

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2022 13:45

Initially I was going to say YANBU, but then it seems like what you're describing isn't a group for Mums to discuss things that women might want a single sex space for. It sounds like at one point someone organised something, they've left, now it's drifted into a WhatsApp group, people have added partners and now it's an informal social thing.

If there's no actual organiser, and it's not a proper group, then all it is is some people who choose to go for coffee.

I'm inclined to say YAB(a little) unreasonable given the circumstances and would probably handle this the same way as wanting to have a friends catch up without partners: just suggest a partner free catch up.

The whole thing sounds bizarrely organised and with very poor boundaries and differing expectations.

drivencrazy178 · 16/02/2022 16:18

@Wavypurple

YANBU they’ll barge in anywhere they can because it’s ‘their right’ and no one will say no and are obvious to what the space is for.

Doubt they’d want you at their golf meet ups or wherever else they meet up and complain about their wives and the unfairness of it all.

I can't help but think of my local Working Men's club. A safe place for MEN to meet and socialise, talk about things that bothered them or problems at home - no women allowed.

That is until women created such a storm about it the committee had to change the rules and allow female members. The last safe bastion for a man in the club was the snooker/sports room that remained men only... until enough complaints were received to force them to allow women in there as well.

Women will barge in anywhere because it is "their right" and no one will say no.....

KeepingAnOpenMind · 16/02/2022 18:38

@drivencrazy178 But these days it is men barging into women’s safe spaces. Keep up.

Gizacluethen · 16/02/2022 19:02

@Monopolyiscrap
He has friends, he has a brother who had a child, he has a dad. All seemingly disinterest in his struggles. I was surrounded by women saying "we know it's hard, we can help." He was surrounded by men who either changed/ignored the subject or made me out to be the bad guy. Its been really hard actually so I can see how women have tried to give their support network to their husbands because there isn't one there for them. I hope he is there to support other men in the future

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