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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 17:05

Oh, you didn't understand the situation. You have it backwards. It's a mums group and now men are joining. She just wanted it to stay as a mums group. That's all.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 17:07

@PleasantBirthday

Oh, you didn't understand the situation. You have it backwards. It's a mums group and now men are joining. She just wanted it to stay as a mums group. That's all.
it's in a pub.. did she mean the pub was actually shut to the public and reserved exclusively for the "mum's group"?

dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. dads didn't add themselves (you can't add yourself to a whatsapp group), looks like it was done organically and the group is a mix-group.

MrsClatterbuck · 15/02/2022 17:36

@worldvisa

It was advertised as a mums and a mums to be group which is why the op joined. If someone wants the group to change than it needs to be discussed. Men joining the group changes the dynamic.

It's like a group of women friends who meet up regularly and someone decides to bring their dp or dh along without discussing it first. would be thumbs down with me as would totally change the dynamic

FOJN · 15/02/2022 17:36

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal

Are you really advocating for the state to get involved in dictating who you must be friends with? I'm not sure even North Korea goes that far.

scarpa · 15/02/2022 17:43

I think YABU.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 17:44

@FOJN

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal

Are you really advocating for the state to get involved in dictating who you must be friends with? I'm not sure even North Korea goes that far.

looking at the uproar against men-only clubs, there are a lot of people who do go that far...
startingagain13 · 15/02/2022 17:48

I think there needs to be an element of caution, as it's potentially the case that the dad who came by himself needed help with his mental health. I would assume he'd discussed the group with his partner and wonder if his partner thought he might need support - hence no baby.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 17:50

if there are more and more dads coming along, one dad expecting to meet other men is not such an outrageous thing either, even if posters do not believe men and women could speak to each other.

Cheeseonpost · 15/02/2022 17:53

YABU

You’ve stated yourself it was set up as a general meet group, no one officially runs it anymore.

It’s not a mothers group, it was never set up to be just women. So why does it matter what sex parent comes each week?

If you’re so bothered you could always set up and run your own mothers group, no mens allowed group.

Bugbabe1970 · 15/02/2022 18:04

Weird
Dad came and left mum and baby at home!
Get your own club dad!

Mirw · 15/02/2022 18:35

Why can't the dads, set up their own group? Way to do it, speak about tears to peritoneum giving birth; thrush; cracked nipples. That usually scares them away. Women need women only spaces as do men. But if set up by women for women, it is not unkind to tell men where to get off and tell the women who invite their partners in, to stop it.

SnackQueen · 15/02/2022 18:38

YANBU at all. It completely changes the dynamics. It sounds like the group is now more of a parents/parents-to-be group - perhaps that has been an intentional shift or perhaps a result of misunderstanding on the part of the men who turned up. Some women would be fine with the change, some wouldn't. It really depends on your own comfort zone and what you were hoping to get out of the group. Perhaps politely ask the coordinator if there is also a group just for mums/mums-to-be that meets up. If that fails, consider starting own group.

balalake · 15/02/2022 18:41

I think you are reasonable to expect a group of mums meeting up to be that way.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 15/02/2022 18:45

The dads probably didn’t set up themselves because if they’re like any of my several husbands and partners (chronological) the wives sort stuff like that out unless it’s a golf match or beer at the pub. Maybe things have moved on.

And do the posters on here realise what you’re saying? There are never long long threads saying I’m left out of that golf day / pub meet up / cycling challenge - women let men by and large get on with it. And there are still men only clubs - Whites? Boodles?
Tricky to do much now though unless you have a separate meet up with perhaps a smaller group. I sympathise, couldn’t have had half the conversations I needed with a few dads there too - endless mastitis and I pee when I run, should I get my xxx sewn up. TMI !

mummyruby · 15/02/2022 18:53

I think this is lovely. Dad's should understand the things that happen to women. I wouldn't have a problem but never really considered the need for a female only space.

Liekje · 15/02/2022 19:04

I jus want to educate the lot of you that while fathers may not have boobs… one thing that isn’t talked about enough is pnd in fathers, yes this is a real thing no it’s not made up by anyone. Anyway you do you. Invite the dad!! Who cares I would be happy for dads to reach out as they already tend to struggle to reach out join groups to begin with let’s not block those who got over that!!

Tigger1895 · 15/02/2022 19:10

Maybe dad wants advice from other women so he can understand what his wife is going through

VivX · 15/02/2022 19:36

@Liekje

I jus want to educate the lot of you that while fathers may not have boobs… one thing that isn’t talked about enough is pnd in fathers, yes this is a real thing no it’s not made up by anyone. Anyway you do you. Invite the dad!! Who cares I would be happy for dads to reach out as they already tend to struggle to reach out join groups to begin with let’s not block those who got over that!!
It still isn't women's job to sort out men's problems, though. If Dad has PND or struggles to "reach out", why do women none of whom are his wife because she was at home looking after the baby have to fix it for him by accommodating him in what was a women's group.

Men need to find a parents' group or a men's group, not invite themselves along to women's spaces.

Comedycook · 15/02/2022 19:40

@Tigger1895

Maybe dad wants advice from other women so he can understand what his wife is going through
You're optimistic
Noisyneighneigh · 15/02/2022 19:40

@Liekje

I jus want to educate the lot of you that while fathers may not have boobs… one thing that isn’t talked about enough is pnd in fathers, yes this is a real thing no it’s not made up by anyone. Anyway you do you. Invite the dad!! Who cares I would be happy for dads to reach out as they already tend to struggle to reach out join groups to begin with let’s not block those who got over that!!
Somehow I think PND in women is a more pressing issue. While fathers can get depressed like anyone else I don't believe they get PND
PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 19:45

Also, PND is not from boobs.

Cheeseonpost · 15/02/2022 20:02

@Mirw

Why can't the dads, set up their own group? Way to do it, speak about tears to peritoneum giving birth; thrush; cracked nipples. That usually scares them away. Women need women only spaces as do men. But if set up by women for women, it is not unkind to tell men where to get off and tell the women who invite their partners in, to stop it.
Why can’t the OP set up their own group since this one is no longer suitable?

It wasn’t a mothers only group, it never was.

The person moaning should be the one do to something about it. Not exclude others because they don’t like it

Cheeseonpost · 15/02/2022 20:03

@Noisyneighneigh

Then you believe incorrectly

Cheeseonpost · 15/02/2022 20:04

@VivX

This wasn’t a women’s space

It was a general meet up group, it was never women or mothers only

MRS54321 · 15/02/2022 20:04

Yes and no. I DO get you ,OP
There’s just some things you wouldn’t say or discuss in front of strange men ( and I mean strange as in stranger)

We attend a baby group and when ive been unavailable, DH will take Baby in my place. So do a few dads. And most of us breast feed.

I did warn DH that this would be the case as a Lockdown Dad he was unfamiliar with pretty much every aspect of parenting and social situations haha so it was good for him!

This month , a mum burst in upset with a very personal matter she was suffering from. DH was surprised,but she clearly wasn’t bothered he was there.

But I would have a “side chat” for just the mums and a “side group” meet up and just invite mums , as youre probably not the only one who thinks it’s weird to turn up with no baby ( wtf? One can only assume he was desperate for company/camaraderie? )

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