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Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 09:45

You can exclude people on their gender but that doesn’t make it acceptable

Really? How do you force people to be friends or associate with someone they don't want to be friends or associate with?

Not being friends with someone purely based on a physical attribute is bigoted. How would you know you can’t be friends if you are shunning them due to their gender

Drunkpanda · 15/02/2022 09:52

A friendship group for people who are pregnant or who have had a baby recently - ie, women (the sex, not the "gender")

ancientgran · 15/02/2022 10:25

Maybe some people want to talk about politics or the olympics and they thought including men would stop the focus always being on cracked nipples and birth trauma.

If enough women want a women's only group and enough want a mixed group then the answer is to split the group and have a group suitable for both. Have you asked others how they feel.

ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 10:31

@ancientgran

Maybe some people want to talk about politics or the olympics and they thought including men would stop the focus always being on cracked nipples and birth trauma.

If enough women want a women's only group and enough want a mixed group then the answer is to split the group and have a group suitable for both. Have you asked others how they feel.

And they need a man to do that?

Really?

Moonlette · 15/02/2022 10:39

@ivykaty44

You can exclude people on their gender but that doesn’t make it acceptable

Really? How do you force people to be friends or associate with someone they don't want to be friends or associate with?

Not being friends with someone purely based on a physical attribute is bigoted. How would you know you can’t be friends if you are shunning them due to their gender

It's not based on gender but biological sex. In any case, people can meet whoever they want, and a group of people who want to exclude men to discuss uniquely female experiences only strange people would see issue with that imo.
BlondeWidow · 15/02/2022 10:41

@Comedycook

Today, one came on his own

Bit weird imo. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged my DH to this!

GrinGrinGrin
DePfeffoff · 15/02/2022 10:44

It wasnt set up as a parent group. It was set up as a mum group. The men have colonised because they cant be arsed to set up a parent group themselves. Or they could set up their own Dad's group. But no, it's easier just to hustle in on the mums group. Sadly some women feel that it's progressive to clap them in at the door

How have they colonised it? They've been added to the group by existing members. Just because OP isn't happy doesn't mean that others aren't. As people have pointed out, there does come a time when mothers move on from childbirth and cracked nipples.

Yet again, this notion that dreadful men come in and take over from helpless women simply paints a stereotype of women unable to take decisions for themselves.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 10:46

It's not based on gender but biological sex. In any case, people can meet whoever they want, and a group of people who want to exclude men to discuss uniquely female experiences only strange people would see issue with that imo.

Of course people can meet whoever they want, its excluding someone as they have different attributes to you and particularly for that reason, that is bigoted. Up thread I have distinctly stated about make the meeting about breast feeding or traumatic bath etc as examples. The group wasn't though set up as that type of group in the beginning.

ancientgran · 15/02/2022 13:47

And they need a man to do that? No but apparently the OP needs a group with no men because she wants to talk about boobs and PND and can't because men are there. Some women will want a womans group but others won't and they probably won't care if there are men in the group. If the numbers work then the obvious answer is two groups. If the OP is the only one who wants to sit talking to other women about boobs and PND she will need to find another group that suits her, if she's in the majority then the men need to find another group, or start another group.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 13:51

so sad that posters are trying to put all women in the same bag, and the minute you pop a baby you are reduced to being a "mummy" who can only talk about boobs and nappies and stay exclusively with women.

It's not healthy.

Drunkpanda · 15/02/2022 14:20

Women meeting other women to talk about anything they want is the complete opposite of unhealthy.

ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 14:28

I wonder why some people find women getting together and talking uninhibited about whatever they want to , so threatening.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 14:34

I wonder why some posters cannot understand the difference between a female-only group, set up in a private hall (or somebody's living room or anything private) for those women who must be with women only

and a group starting in a cafe, or pub, to discuss babies and holiday, where group members come with or without partners, and the general public (men included) can book a table next to yours. How is that private?

I wonder why some posters feel so threatened that dads could come and have a chat - do you feel inferior, do you feel you have to shut up in the presence of a man? Do you feel birth and babies are an exclusive female area that dads must be banned from, is there some martyr pride in keeping everything baby -related female and ban the dad?

Do you want to go back decades and ban men from the delivery room too?

Why do you feel so threatened by the fact that some of us see men as equal and enjoy their company just as much as we enjoy women's company ,and we feel dads have a place to discuss children and birth matters?

ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 14:44

@worldvisa

I wonder why some posters cannot understand the difference between a female-only group, set up in a private hall (or somebody's living room or anything private) for those women who must be with women only

and a group starting in a cafe, or pub, to discuss babies and holiday, where group members come with or without partners, and the general public (men included) can book a table next to yours. How is that private?

I wonder why some posters feel so threatened that dads could come and have a chat - do you feel inferior, do you feel you have to shut up in the presence of a man? Do you feel birth and babies are an exclusive female area that dads must be banned from, is there some martyr pride in keeping everything baby -related female and ban the dad?

Do you want to go back decades and ban men from the delivery room too?

Why do you feel so threatened by the fact that some of us see men as equal and enjoy their company just as much as we enjoy women's company ,and we feel dads have a place to discuss children and birth matters?

So there's nothing you would feel uncomfortable or hesitant to discuss in front of your husband or a man that knows you but you're not quite friends?
Drunkpanda · 15/02/2022 15:16

I couldn't reply to that post as there are so many false assumptions in it.
What about, many women just enjoy chatting to other women? Why isn't that enough?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/02/2022 15:31

@ivykaty44

Oh it’s a friendship group

If it’s a group fir breast feeding, traumatic birth then it’s understandable

But to exclude people from a friendship group due to their gender isn’t acceptable

Is there a law against it?
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/02/2022 15:31

@Drunkpanda

I couldn't reply to that post as there are so many false assumptions in it. What about, many women just enjoy chatting to other women? Why isn't that enough?
Absolutely!! It should be enough
PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 15:37

@Drunkpanda

I couldn't reply to that post as there are so many false assumptions in it. What about, many women just enjoy chatting to other women? Why isn't that enough?
Because somewhere there may be a man who wants to be there so what their preference is for their own time is immaterial and probably bigoted.
worldvisa · 15/02/2022 15:57

Because somewhere there may be a man who wants to be there so what their preference is for their own time is immaterial and probably bigoted.

why do you always turn everything back to the man? Why is it so hard to understand that a WOMAN would would like men to be there? Why being so dismissive of other women because you have different views?

PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 15:59

OK, so this group was set up as a group for mums. That's women. There's no reason for men to come - anyone who wants mixed sex meetups is perfectly welcome do have them. Some people would like to do both, have a mums one and a mixed one, and that's fine too. I just don't understand what is wrong with women meeting without men.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 16:00

ldontWanna

So there's nothing you would feel uncomfortable or hesitant to discuss in front of your husband or a man that knows you but you're not quite friends?

Frankly? There are MANY things I would be totally uncomfortable to discuss with anyone I don't know well, and don't feel more comfortable because the person opposite happens to have a vagina. Sharing a gender means nothing.

VivX · 15/02/2022 16:37

@PleasantBirthday

Women volunteered to clear up after the men? F*ing hell.

Haven't you seen all the posts about how it's the responsibility of women to include SAHDs so that society can change?

Hmmm, well, this thread has been an eye opener.

There is no problem with women's only spaces.
If there are women who don't want to go to a women's only mum's group, then they should simply not go, and instead seek out a parents' group
Men can go to a parents' group or to to a men's group or form a men's group.
Women do not need to set up a men's group.
Women definitely do not need to volunteer to do all the work at a men's group.
Women are not responsible for changing men's or men's behaviour.
Women are not responsible for solving men's problems.

I don’t see why a dad can’t be there and why men are so awful
This is melodramatic nonsense. Nobody said men were awful.

My partner also witnessed a lot more detail of my births than I did. Maybe the men would have contributing insight…
This has got to be the most ridiculous comment ever. Women have gone (and helped each other) through labour and childbirth for millennia but now women need the contributing insight of a man... really? wtf!

PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 16:47

Yeah, I find it depressing that women won't even support other women having boundaries, regardless of what they are.

Monopolyiscrap · 15/02/2022 16:56

Mixed groups suit some women.
Dads groups suit some men.
Mums groups suit some women.

Why does everything have to cater for everyone? Trying to do so means that some will always be excluded. And you do not have to personally understand why someone wants a single-sex group. If that is what they want and there are enough other parents to make that happen, then fine.

Why do some people always want to impose their ideas of what should happen on everyone else?

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 17:03

Why do some people always want to impose their ideas of what should happen on everyone else?

but that's what the OP is doing, the group is naturally for both and she wants to make it a woman only and stop the dads to come anymore.

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