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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 20:04

Next we'll have posters claiming that by being there the men are actually doing a favour they're doing to the whole womankind, and it's for the women's benefit really.Hmm

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 20:04

There are never long long threads saying I’m left out of that golf day / pub meet up / cycling challenge - women let men by and large get on with it.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2368532/Men-golf-clubs-consigned-history-Cameron-says-sexism-row-dominates-start-Open-Muirfield.html

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal*

Are you really advocating for the state to get involved in dictating who you must be friends with? I'm not sure even North Korea goes that far.

if you really don't understand the difference between being forced to be friends with someone and excluding a person only due to them having different genitalia from the rest of you, then you are being ignorant

ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 20:05

[quote Cheeseonpost]@VivX

This wasn’t a women’s space

It was a general meet up group, it was never women or mothers only[/quote]
It's right in the OP. When it started it was advertised as mums/mums to be.

How is that not women or mothers?

PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 20:13

Yeah, but if you ignore that...

Lilymossflower · 15/02/2022 20:14

Why don't the men set up their own father support group eye roll

FOJN · 15/02/2022 20:18

if you really don't understand the difference between being forced to be friends with someone and excluding a person only due to them having different genitalia from the rest of you, then you are being ignorant

You used the word illegal. You know there has to be a law in place to make something unlawful? You know where laws are made don't you?

Leilala · 15/02/2022 20:37

YANBU

Dads need support too? Yes but not about their CS scar or latch?!

I would feel so uncomfortable!

Leilala · 15/02/2022 20:38

Perhaps he identifies as the babies mum HmmConfusedHmm

summerin69 · 15/02/2022 21:47

It’s a bit weird that he came on his own and left the baby at home with his partner, the baby’s mum. Says it all really.

Monopolyiscrap · 15/02/2022 21:51

Yeah cause we are all supposed to pretend dads with new babies have exactly the same issues as dads with new babies.

TonyChestnut · 15/02/2022 22:16

I can totally understand how this could change the dynamic of a 'mums' group. Have you considered changing the name of your WhatsApp group to "Motherland" and calling the guys Kevin?

VivX · 15/02/2022 22:18

[quote Cheeseonpost]@VivX

This wasn’t a women’s space

It was a general meet up group, it was never women or mothers only[/quote]
OP says:

It was advertised as mums and mums to be

Dads/men are not mums or mums to be.

It isn't down to the OP to fix men's others' problems because these other people have now turned the mums and mums to be group into something else.
The men others could fix their own problems instead of expecting women to do it for them.

Drunkpanda · 15/02/2022 22:53

This month , a mum burst in upset with a very personal matter she was suffering from. DH was surprised,but she clearly wasn’t bothered he was there
You have no way of knowing whether she was bothered or not.

cherish123 · 15/02/2022 23:18

YABU
would you object to an all male group?
If it's a support group for parents, why not allow dads? They have the same issues as mums.

Liekje · 15/02/2022 23:20

Then you definitely need to educate yourself!!

Drunkpanda · 15/02/2022 23:20

They have the same issues as mums
Rofl

ldontWanna · 15/02/2022 23:25

@cherish123

YABU would you object to an all male group? If it's a support group for parents, why not allow dads? They have the same issues as mums.
No. Which is why I didn't go to the Saturday dad group despite being easier for me. I didn't try to ruin their experience/time or object to it.

As for the same issues.. sure if that's what you want to tell yourself. I'm sure it wasn't OH still waddling like a duck 6 weeks on with infected stitches,but yeah sure.

Flickflak · 15/02/2022 23:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

summerin69 · 16/02/2022 06:24

I just asked my partner - who is a bloke - and he says YANBU. He thinks if it's mums-only it should stay mums-only. Quite understand that there might not be many SAHDs to warrant a dads-only group - but there are lots of parent groups. My kids were babies back in 2001-2010 - and there were so many playgroups that mums and dads attended - I can't believe it hasn't evolved since then with more opportunities for dads to join parent groups. But a mum's group is a mum's group.

As for the posts about dads setting up dad's groups on FB and being accused of being sexist - that is a obviously a real shame and not right. I can understand dads' frustration at this - what's the answer? If we as mums are allowed to have mums-only groups we should be accepting of men wanting to do the same (as long as they set it up themselves and not leave it to their partners!).

BBOA · 16/02/2022 07:02

I agree with comments that men need support too but in this case a different group perhaps. I personally wouldn’t want to be discussing how many stitches I had, my sore boobs, pissing myself when I sneeze etc in front of another dad. Maybe he’s like the SAHM dad on Motherland though? Poor guy probably thought it was a social event and I’m sure he won’t be back in a hurry! ( Unless he was hoping to come and moan about his partner/ wife/ husband not doing enough too 😉)

Marvellousmadness · 16/02/2022 07:23

You dont have to talk birth trauma everytime no?
Also you can split up in groups to avoid not being comfortable to speak about certain topics...
Also you can make a specific MUMS only date. And next week alter it.
Stop excluding men. They need support too.

BigGreen · 16/02/2022 07:36

That's really sad. My DH had the same experience of being totally excluded as a SAHD. There's no way that men will take in the work of parenting when they're not being included. (Of course that doesn't extend to breastfeeding groups.) You should be more friendly to the poor guy.

longwayoff · 16/02/2022 07:41

I caught a couple of minutes of tv yesterday which appeared to be an item about the strain and trauma potential dads suffer during their partner's pregnancy. This follows on from an earlier item a couple of weeks ago about mens postnatal depression. Women eh? They just won't share.

PleasantBirthday · 16/02/2022 07:47

As for the posts about dads setting up dad's groups on FB and being accused of being sexist - that is a obviously a real shame and not right

I'm not 100% convinced we got the whole story there.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2022 08:16

Indeed. Public Facebook posts invite public Facebook-style responses. That's a story about the anti-social effects of social media, not about SAHDs.

Any self-respecting SAHD who wanted to set up a Dads' only group, or a mixed group, would try a lot harder and work smarter than making one solitary post on Facebook.