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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 13:32

You're very right to defend your space OP.
I doubt I'm being cynical here as I'm imaging your ExH is missing the practical support you were giving him with his kids and wants to use you again.

Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 13:32

*imagining

Sportslady44 · 14/02/2022 13:50

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.

TicTacHoh · 14/02/2022 13:55

Stand your ground, OP. They can see your joint DC when he has them at his house, this doesn't need to involve you. He needs to move on.

ancientgran · 14/02/2022 13:55

You can feel however you want to feel but I think it is hard to have a relationship with a child from 2 to 8 and then just disappear, or 5 to 11. I think when you become a step parent you take on certain responsibilities so if they kids genuinely thought you were someone important in their lives I think it would be good to see them. Doesn't have to be in your home, an occasional meet up in the park or at McDonalds.

Of course the kids might not feel they have a relationship with you so it won't matter.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:57

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.
I don't see how it would be any better for them to keep up little meets at the moment though. I have no desire to do that long term.
OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 13:57

Leave it entirely up to ex to facilitate a relationship between his dc. It is his responsibility to do so surely?
Or he will use them as a rope to pull you back with. Even to be abusive towards you.

ilovemybeachhut · 14/02/2022 13:57

It would have to be neutral territory and he can take the dc out, I'm not the unpaid child care while he slopes off. [cynical]

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:59

Sorry to clarify he's not suggesting that he leave them with me or that I take them out alone so not really childcare. But likewise I don't really want to chill with him either!

OP posts:
sunshinelover69 · 14/02/2022 13:59

I feel like your ex is missing the unpaid childcare if I'm honest! But given one of the main reasons you split with him is because you were uncomfortable with the step-parent relationship and the expectations on you, then it would defeat the object of splitting if you continued to have a relationship with his kids. Stand your ground, and let your child see their half siblings when he/she is with their dad.

puddsmum49 · 14/02/2022 14:05

Did your stepchildren live with you and your ex? If not, how much time did you spend with them?

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 14:06

@puddsmum49

Did your stepchildren live with you and your ex? If not, how much time did you spend with them?
No they live 50:50 with their Mum and exH
OP posts:
Kbyodjs · 14/02/2022 14:11

I think it’s really sad that you feel that way and have that attitude; for them that will feel really horrible for you to be part of their lives so much then just not at all. However if that’s how you feel then I wouldn’t suggest seeing them; children aren’t stupid and if you’re not interested in them then they’ll pick up on it and it’ll make them feel even worse

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 14:13

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

MzHz · 14/02/2022 14:13

Just be clear with him.

“Your relationship with me is over. Your only responsibility is to your kids. You can see our dc, but the relationship between our child and your kids is your responsibility. I don’t want to be involved and that’s one of the reasons I left.

No, you’re not going to get invited into my home, no I’m not entertaining you OR your kids. That’s your job.”

sunshinelover69 · 14/02/2022 14:14

God way to guilt her @Kbyodjs - she feels how she feels and it's not fair to suggest that this makes her a bad person. Not everyone can feel love or affection for someone else's kids.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2022 14:15

@Bonheurdupasse

You're very right to defend your space OP. I doubt I'm being cynical here as I'm imaging your ExH is missing the practical support you were giving him with his kids and wants to use you again.
Yep agree with this, especially the "days out" suggestion, he can do days out with all of his kids by himself
Justcallmebebes · 14/02/2022 14:15

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

^This I'm afraid. Poor kids, must be very confusing for them

Chestofdraws · 14/02/2022 14:17

I agree with you op and I read it like he wants to start sharing the child care burden with you, it would be a hard no from me too.

Sportslady44 · 14/02/2022 14:17

@Gowithme

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.
agree and also its the childs half siblings too v sad.
Bluebottle11 · 14/02/2022 14:22

No yanbu. They are not your children & your priority is your own, your ex can facilitate the relationship with his children & they’re half siblings. Being a SP is tremendously difficult, you are expected to love & raise them as your own & made to feel horrific if you speak out otherwise despite how you might feel but legally you have no right to make decisions about their welfare/future/disciplines/education but are expected to contribute financially to it all. Thankless job. Stick to your guns, your feelings are important and shouldn’t be ignored

Honeyroar · 14/02/2022 14:24

It does seem a little sad for the children.

sunshinelover69 · 14/02/2022 14:25

For fuck's sake, the kids have two parents. The OP is not one of them. How many fucking parents do they need?

Dacquoise · 14/02/2022 14:26

Is it because he doesn't know what to do with his kids and wants to use you as entertainment? If the feeling put upon regarding step parenting is to do with this then you are not unreasonable to not want to recreate this in your own home. Lots of men are a bit lost with parenting their kids on their own. Only way to learn is to actually do it!

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/02/2022 14:31

@sunshinelover69 exactly! He’s clearly missing the free childcare. There’s nothing stopping him facilitating contact with all of the children