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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:39

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Arabellla that just sounds like more spite. ‘It’s not your fault your dad was useless but I’m blaming you anyway’. It’s cold to have children living with you for six years (50:50) and want nothing to do with them at all.[/quote]
It's nothing to do with spite, because they are not her kids.

They have a mum and dad, they're fine.

Newyearnewme2022 · 14/02/2022 15:40

They aren’t your responsibility, they have a mother and a father, your ex will no doubt meet someone new so would you be expected to still entertain them when that happens, they would then have a mother and 2 stepmothers? Your child can see their half sibs on his contact time.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 15:40

@Arabellla you don’t know that: the op was their stepMUM for six years.

AchillesPoirot · 14/02/2022 15:41

I would not get together with someone with young children specifically because I know I’d be a shit step mum and because I’d not want to have to keep seeing my then ex to facilitate a relationship with the children after we split. (Hope that makes sense!)

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:41

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Arabellla you don’t know that: the op was their stepMUM for six years.[/quote]
I know she's not their mum because she's not. I don't get your point.

A step-mum for 50% of the time is not a mum.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 15:42

@Arabellla it’s a significant part of their family.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 15:42

@Arabellla and you don’t know they’re fine.

Mojoj · 14/02/2022 15:43

Let him take ALL his own kids out together. You don't need to be there. Just sounds like another lazy, entitled man wanting to offload some of the parenting load.

Hmum0fthree · 14/02/2022 15:43

@Arabellla what is it then? A friend? An aunt?

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 15:44

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

CF expects you to keep providing wifework to him.
Fuck him off without compunction OP - & don't allow him over your threshold again. He's your Ex for good reasons - don't let him encroach on your private space.

Bluebottle11 · 14/02/2022 15:44

Put your own feelings & your own child first; his kids will get over it, life isn’t as black & white as people try to pretend & his children do not come before your own…ever

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 15:44

@Phobiaphobic

Just wondering if all the people telling the OP she's unkind and not putting the kids first would feel the same way if a woman wanted her ex-partner to see her kids even after he's left and the relationship has broken down.
I don't know why you'd think it's odd, it's not uncommon. My friend still sees his ex step daughter was only with her mum for 3 or 4 years. He'd taken on responsibility of a relationship with her, and he loves her still. A cousin of mine similarly takes her ex's kids with her own every few months for a weekend.
needmoreshinys · 14/02/2022 15:44

@Arabellla

The OP was with her xhusband for 6 years, that doesn't mean as soon as she met him she became a stepmum.

The OP hasn't said but maybe she didn't meet them till 2 or 3 years down the line? Maybe she has only been living with ther husband for 3 years?

Hmum0fthree · 14/02/2022 15:45

@AchillesPoirot

I would not get together with someone with young children specifically because I know I’d be a shit step mum and because I’d not want to have to keep seeing my then ex to facilitate a relationship with the children after we split. (Hope that makes sense!)
Exactly this, I would never have a relationship with a man that has DC Blush it works for a lot of people but I couldn't do it.
SockFluffInTheBath · 14/02/2022 15:46

@sunshinelover69

For fuck's sake, the kids have two parents. The OP is not one of them. How many fucking parents do they need?
Sorry but this. Maybe if their own dad treated OP better they’d not be in this position. It’s on him not her. Stand firm OP it’s just a guilt trip for him to get an easy day out with his kids.
Babyroobs · 14/02/2022 15:47

Agree with others, very sad for the kids especially after they lived with you and your ex for 50% of the time then just no contact but as others have said you can't be expected to continue to see them and are under no obligation to spend time with your ex. At least in the future you now know you are not step mum material so it wont happen to any more kids.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 15:48

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.
Don't you care that OP's doesn't want to? Her ex can facilitate time together for the half siblings on his own watch. You know - all 3 of them being his own kids & all.

It's simply not the OP's job, & presumably her ex step-kids have 2 functioning parents.
If she gets sucked into seeing them, she will end up being the third default parent 'cos her ex can't be arsed. As she didn't enjoy that dynamic when they were together, why would she enjoy it any more now they are split?

Bluebottle11 · 14/02/2022 15:50

AchillesPoirot
Admire your honesty but not always as simple as that. My cousin married a man who claimed he had no children only to discover he had 3 when they were removed from their mother by ss. Very rare situation but my point is that some men lie about having them
if they don’t maintain relationships with them or in early stages of new relationships

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2022 15:51

If you were posting saying your ex had dumped you and you wanted to carry on seeing his kids you’d be told, probably very harshly, to get back in your box, they were never your children, they have enough parents already, you always knew this might happen and you have no right to want to continue the relationship.

alreadytaken · 14/02/2022 15:52

Not "pearl clutching" to point out you were part of their life for 6 very formative years. Maybe they were little brats but kids that age can also love everyone they live with. I cant imagine just disappearing abruptly from their lives, and taking a sibling away, without a word.

Maybe you made it abudantly clear that you didnt want to be a stepparent so they may not miss you at all.

Meeting up sometimes but decreasing the frequency over time would not kill you.

Changemaname1 · 14/02/2022 15:53

It’s a sad situation tbf the kids am sure will have some level of attachment to you and it’s not their fault if you were put upon by your ex in terms of childcare for them etc etc

But ultimately if this is how you feel and don’t want a relationship with them then you can’t change how you feel can you so it’s probably for the best

BobLemon · 14/02/2022 15:54

YANBU.

What a shame that he wasn’t listening to you and he’s still not listening to you now.

It suits him now to “hang out” but when he moves on and has a new GF he’ll be changing the playbook again for sure.

Assuming that your DS will go to stay with him and their half siblings, EOW or similar? So they’ll keep an opportunity to have a sibling relationship.

BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 15:54

I can understand why you feel the way you do and your planned course of action is probably for the best given that….but I also feel more sorry for 2 children who lived with you 50% of the time for what was presumably at least 2 years (given that’s the age of your shared DC) who are now never going to see you again.

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 15:54

@AnneLovesGilbert

If you were posting saying your ex had dumped you and you wanted to carry on seeing his kids you’d be told, probably very harshly, to get back in your box, they were never your children, they have enough parents already, you always knew this might happen and you have no right to want to continue the relationship.
Yes^^
BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 15:55

You can’t have made it that clear you felt “put upon” in the step parent relationship because you went on to have a child with this man. Way to show him how you weren’t happy with the relationship.

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