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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 16:12

It doesn't make you sound cold.

It makes you cold.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:12

@SplitStep

Which is why I’d never get into a relationship with someone with kids. You did. Nobody can force you to see them if you don’t want to, but I do think it’s cold you’re able to walk away from them, having made the decision to be in their lives in the first place

Then there is a difference in how we view a step parent relationship. I would never have thought marrying DH implied I'd be making a lifelong commitment to his kids regardless as to whether he turned out to be an arse or not.

And trust me, I won't be dating anyone for a long time and certainly never anyone with DC again. I'm quite intent on keeping that aspect if it ever happens in the future away from me and DCs home until they have left.

Why wouldn’t you think it was a lifelong commitment? They lived with you 50% of the time, did you think they would be 18, move out and you’d never see them again?

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:14

Why wouldn’t you think it was a lifelong commitment? They lived with you 50% of the time, did you think they would be 18, move out and you’d never see them again?

Because they aren't my children? I honestly don't believe you ever make a lifelong commitment to any child that isn't your own. I married their Dad. I didn't commit to them for the rest of my life if me and their Dad split.

It's not naive just because you have a different opinion. My opinion is that step parents are responsible post separation for their exes children your opinion is different to mine, that's fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:15

Step parents aren't responsible post separation that should say.

OP posts:

Wannabangbang · 14/02/2022 16:15

6 years is a long time to bond with a child. I can understand that you don't want to be put upon but surely you could keep some type of relationship with them. I know i would have bonded by now :(

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:15

@SplitStep

Why wouldn’t you think it was a lifelong commitment? They lived with you 50% of the time, did you think they would be 18, move out and you’d never see them again?

It's not naive just because you have a different opinion. My opinion is that step parents are responsible post separation for their exes children your opinion is different to mine, that's fine.

So you thought there would come a point when you’d never see them again regardless of staying married to their dad? That’s completely bizarre, why on earth would you?

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:16

@SpaghettiArmsMurderer

I just didn't really enjoy being around my SC. One was okay but the youngest was so difficult at times it made it very hard for me to feel any real level of attachment if I'm honest. So no, as cold as it may make me sound I'm really not bothered personally about not seeing them again.

Ouch. That is brutal.

It is brutal yes but its the truth. They are a very difficult child. Their parents would agree. It wasn't a pleasant experience. Certainly not in the last couple of years as they are getting older.

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 14/02/2022 16:16

I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

With this and, as you say later, the fact you didn't really attach to one of the kids, it really shouldn't be a surprise to your ex that he you don't want to see them. You've presumably been trying to work this out for at least a few years? Have struggled with it and told now-ex that it isn't working, but he was not willing to make changes that would make it work? It would almost be pointless leaving if you continued to see the SC, it's just one more way you aren't being heard and your needs aren't being met in the relationship - and the relationship's over!

TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2022 16:16

[quote Pumperthepumper]@TurquoiseDragon yes, I would. I find the ‘oh what if they sexes were reversed’ arguments very dull because nobody actually believes women and men are equal. So to pretend the rules are exactly the same for men and women is stupid. But in this case yes: being a step parent for six years is a significant part of those children’s lives. Regardless of sex.[/quote]
But we don't, in general, expect men to carry on a relationship with step children when the marriage/partnership has broken down. These men walk off and no one goes "but what about the children?" but instead accept this as normal. It's all double standards.

From OP's posts, I suspect there's not much of a relationship between the OP and the DSC, so I don't think they'll miss OP that much.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:17

So you thought there would come a point when you’d never see them again regardless of staying married to their dad? That’s completely bizarre, why on earth would you?

No? I meant you don't commit to a lifelong relationship with step children if you split up with their parent.

I didn't think getting married to my husband meant that even if he turned out to be an arse and I left him I would be forever responsible for maintaining a relationship with his kids.

Obviously if I was still married to him I would.

OP posts:

TakeSomeMoreTea · 14/02/2022 16:17

Are the children going to be that bothered though if there wasn't the closeness in the relationship.

I know it's not the same but one of my Grandma's wasn't maternal with us and I just knew from a very young age. I would have missed my other Grandma as she was so loving.

Wannabangbang · 14/02/2022 16:18

But tbf men walk away all the time sadly this is just the same thing. Best off not dating a person with children in future then this wouldn't be a decision you have to make.

Theluggage15 · 14/02/2022 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

saraclara · 14/02/2022 16:18

@Justcallmebebes

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

^This I'm afraid. Poor kids, must be very confusing for them

Yep. They've also lost their little sibling.

I completely understand you wanting a clean break with your ex, OP, but I do feel for those kids.

SportsMother · 14/02/2022 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:18

@Wannabangbang

But tbf men walk away all the time sadly this is just the same thing. Best off not dating a person with children in future then this wouldn't be a decision you have to make.

I won't be.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:18

@TurquoiseDragon I disagree. I think most people would be appalled at a man walking away from children he’d had a six year relationship with, especially if they’d lived with him 50% of the time. But this whole conversation is irrelevant to the OP anyway.

Melroses · 14/02/2022 16:19

YANBU. It is just a continuation of the same dynamic in a new set up. he is setting up a meeting in your house at his convenience.

It would be different if the children were inviting you around to pop into his house for half an hour.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 16:19

@SplitStep

Step parents aren't responsible post separation that should say.

It's the way you're going about it.

It's hurtful and could have a life long effect on the children's emotional stability. A significant person, they probably saw similar to a mum, is wanting to up and abandon them with no gradual retreat. No consideration for them. Nothing.

It's not that people expect you to be a big part of their life forever now.

We're just shocked that after 6 years you really don't give a flying F about the impact on them. I wouldn't ghost a friend, let alone a child who's known me as a stepmum for most of their lives.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:19

Yep. They've also lost their little sibling.

No they haven't? They will still see each other at they're dad's.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:20

@SplitStep

So you thought there would come a point when you’d never see them again regardless of staying married to their dad? That’s completely bizarre, why on earth would you?

No? I meant you don't commit to a lifelong relationship with step children if you split up with their parent.

I didn't think getting married to my husband meant that even if he turned out to be an arse and I left him I would be forever responsible for maintaining a relationship with his kids.

Obviously if I was still married to him I would.

So you decided beforehand that you’d never like them enough to make a decent relationship with them? You never thought that was a relationship worth nurturing because they weren’t yours biologically?

diddl · 14/02/2022 16:21

I think if they had suggested that they wanted to see you & it was separate from their dad, that might be one thing.

But him keep pushing it just sounds as if he is trying to keep himself too involved in your life.

nanbread · 14/02/2022 16:21

This is hard to read. It's your choice, ultimately, but I do feel for those DC. You were a parent figure to them for six very formative years.

It's also not a young child's fault if they're "difficult" and I feel not being able to see past that is a flaw for any parent, whether it's your own child or not.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:22

No I didn't decide anything before hand. But that is, unfortunately, the way it came to be. I didn't feel attached or bonded with one in particular due to difficult behaviours which my husband and his ex refused to really acknowledge or deal with. I'm quite happy, in all honesty, to no longer have to deal with that in my home. I do not now, after getting out, want to invite that back in.

This is obviously just one issue and is not the sole reason we split. My husband has a bad temper too and can be very cruel to me. I have no desire to maintain any relationship with him on any level besides discussing contact for our DC.

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 14/02/2022 16:22

He can facilitate all his kids being together at his own place in his own time.
There is no need for him or them to set foot in your home.
Hold your boundaries.
You dont need to accomodate anybody you dont want to... that why we have front doors.

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