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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
ohhooh · 14/02/2022 14:33

I think they'll be absolutely fine, he can on his time make sure your joint DC and his other DC spend time together, with their dad.

Whilst I'm sure there is some merit in certain situations to continuing contact when you've been in their life for so long, this shouldn't come at the expense of your own feelings / how you want to manage moving forward. It could potentially be more confusing for them if you do days out and the like!

Honeyroar · 14/02/2022 14:34

@sunshinelover69

For fuck's sake, the kids have two parents. The OP is not one of them. How many fucking parents do they need?
You’ve missed the point a bit. She was in the kids lives for a long time and they miss her. It’s got nothing to do with how many parents they have (I’m a stepmum too).
ivegotasorethroat · 14/02/2022 14:36

@Gowithme

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.
Heartbreaking for them!

Be the bigger person and maybe just take them to the cinema once a month! You don't then need to chat with them much.

needmoreshinys · 14/02/2022 14:37

The only thing I might agree to, in your situation is something like a big day out at a theme park type thing, that would be due to the age differences and I think would make it tough for a single person

But I certainly wouldn't be inviting them into my house.

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 14:38

I feel a bit sorry for the kids as well, but, to a point, that's not really op's responsibility. Yes it would be nice if she could maintain contact, but not many people want to hang out with their ex tbh and it's just unfortunate that it's ended this way.

My dbro had a scenario a bit like this where he introduced his new love immediately after splitting with the mother of his dcs. It all went tits up about a year later and the dcs never saw the new partner again. It was really confusing for them, but dbro was a bit naive to introduce a new partner so quickly and throw everyone into a stepparenting relationship they clearly weren't all ready for. So he had to deal with the fall out. He has been single for ages now which is absolutely for the best.

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2022 14:40

Is this request coming from your ex or from the children?

BuritoCat · 14/02/2022 14:41

They can see your DC when their dad has all of them together surely? YANBU. He's your ex and it's inappropriate to continue a relationship with his kids, there nothing to do with you anymore.

SartresSoul · 14/02/2022 14:42

I feel sad for his children if they were close to you and loved you, they must miss you and it must feel quite confusing now you’re suddenly not around at all. I can understand your perspective too though and you have no obligation to maintain a relationship with them.

tanstaafl · 14/02/2022 14:45

If he ever did turn up with the SDC , bet he says ‘Split , can you just look after them for 30 mins , I need to pop to the shops.’
He’ll be back 2 hours later,maybe.

BeyondMyWits · 14/02/2022 14:49

And if the kids get a new stepmum what then? Their ex-stepmum steps back out of their life?

TheVanguardSix · 14/02/2022 14:49

I’m guessing your split is very recent.
Give yourself room, breathing space, time to acclimatise to your new life and space, OP.
You may be able to work on the relationship between you and your step children further down the line. In the meantime, nurture your DC’s and stepchildren’s relationship. They are siblings after all.
I do feel sad for the step children. You don’t want to be the architect of the sadness they might be experiencing. Be careful of their hearts as well as your own and your DC’s. There are a lot of raw emotions here. So take your time without putting up too many barriers.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 14/02/2022 14:49

Those saying OP should see her ex husband's DC, are you suggesting she sees them on her own or with her ex? How many people want to spend time with their ex and how many people want to spend time with their ex stepchildren on their own? If you were a man OP and your step children were your ex wife's, nobody would be tugging at your heartstrings to see them.

Theoilydoiley · 14/02/2022 14:49

YADNBU and you are not at all a bad person. You said one of the reasons for ending the marriage was due to the step parenting relationship. Why should you try to continue something that didn’t make you happy?

Ignore the posters who are trying to make you feel guilty. The children have two parents plus your child gets to sees them when they’re over there. It might even confuse them as to why they are still spending time with you if you’re not their step mum anymore.

Your home is a safe space for you and your child. There were issues that led to your marriage breakdown - you don’t want that your new home.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 14/02/2022 14:52

You’re right they will form a relationship with your child when they are at their dads. But you e probably been quite a large part of their life’s up until now. Perhaps they genuinely miss and want to see you. Would you consider maybe going out to the park or McDonalds every now and then? It wouldn’t do you any harm and then the kids don’t think they’ve been left out maybe? IYSWIM.

Opus17 · 14/02/2022 15:04

Another step parent ditching their step kids as soon as they leave. Why get together with someone with kids in the first place.🙄
Poor kids

GreggsDoVitalWork · 14/02/2022 15:07

You have absolutely no obligation to see his kids, but I’m amazed you are emotionally capable of cutting ties with them so easily. I couldn’t do it with my DSC. But everyone is different of course. If you never bonded then fair enough.

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 15:13

@SplitStep

Sorry to clarify he's not suggesting that he leave them with me or that I take them out alone so not really childcare. But likewise I don't really want to chill with him either!
Slippery slope.

Not childcare ….. yet.

Trust your gut and meet your own wants and needs. Sounds like you have pushed against his difficult ways for a long time already.

You have no intention of building a longer term relationship and this is totally fine.

Respect your own wishes here and don’t get guilted into anything you don’t want.

Your peaceful space needs protection by you - don’t let him infiltrate it.

ladycarlotta · 14/02/2022 15:17

I feel very sad for the children. They know important people can just vanish from their lives now.

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 15:19

So they can see your ds when their dad has them all together. Is he trying to use you as a free babysitter? I think a clean break where they don’t see you is better in the long run, there’s no need for them to never see your ds, but they can do that on his time.

ittakes2 · 14/02/2022 15:21

You get to decide how you want to live your life.
But if you were with EX for 6 years and his youngest is now 8 - than you were step mum to his 8 year old when they were 2 years old - the same age as your child is now. Their only memories would have been growing up spending 50/50 with their mum and you and your ex-husband. And by the sound of it you were looking after them a lot. I can see they would feel rejected you don't want to see them anymore. It's likely they have fond memories of you and might miss you.

AnotherSillawithanS · 14/02/2022 15:22

Oh dear op, now that you're a single parent you're going to meet men who won't want anything to do with your child. Karma is on the way.

Feel sorry for those kids. I think you also have a responsibility to your child to encourage a relationship with their siblings.

I'm a step parent and you sound cold to me.

Balonziaga · 14/02/2022 15:22

I think you are being a little harsh. It does sound as though your ex and his DC assumed you would WANT to keep seeing your Step children. The fact that he isn't asking you for childcare or to have them alone suggests that there is no agenda.

I understand that you have just felt freedom the for the first time and don't want to jeopardise that joy but equally, you got together with someone with DC and that comes with some responsibility. It's unkind to go from step-parent to refusing to see them.

You should find a middle ground... maybe a couple of hours once a month or something like that. Possibly it will fizzle out in due course, but it will be less brutal to the kids.

Soul11Soul · 14/02/2022 15:23

How often does he see your joint child?

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 15:24

It does seem sad for the children but I agree with others that you shouldn't feel obliged to do it if you don't want to.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2022 15:24

If you left because you found the step-relationship suffocating, there's a good chance he's trying to wrench this back open again. I'm guessing he's the type of man who thinks parenting his children should be the default job of any local "female" and it will continue to be you until he's found someone else. Hanging out for half an hour will become you being listed as an emergency contact, you being the one he asks to babysit. You're doing the right thing by maintaining a clean break.

There are always "but what about the CHILDREN???" bleeding hearts in these threads. If they want, they are many ways they can contribute to the lives of children who have had a bad start in life. But it should come from a place of positivity, not unwilling sacrifice, not resentment. You already know it's better for you to not see them, so stick with that. When he asks just say "no". No explanation, no waffle.

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