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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Linning · 15/02/2022 22:58

Forgot to tag you @Bonheurdupasse

Bonheurdupasse · 15/02/2022 23:11

@linning the point is that OP didn't know most of those things when she started the relationship or when she moved in.
Similarly to when women/ people in abusive relationships don't know that at the start (and end up having one or more children with the abuser).

Krabapple · 15/02/2022 23:12

You sound delightful op

Linning · 15/02/2022 23:30

[quote Bonheurdupasse]@linning the point is that OP didn't know most of those things when she started the relationship or when she moved in.
Similarly to when women/ people in abusive relationships don't know that at the start (and end up having one or more children with the abuser).[/quote]
She had about 4 years though between the time the relationship started and being used by her ex husband and despised by their bio mom and her having her own child with him. Surely she had plenty of time to realize she didn’t enjoy the kids, and her ex-husband was a bit of a prick and probably not best dad material out there? Not blaming OP for being resentful of the position she was put in as it sucks but you won’t make me change my mind that I personally find it sad that she never found it in her to bond with her step children and that she didn’t remove herself from the situation as soon as she started feeling this way rather than wait a couple more years.

You can feel sad for something and still understand why people might still do that. I can understand (on a conceptual level as I cannot effectively relate) why she might feel the way she does and made/is making the choices she is making, but I still ultimately find it a sad outcome for everyone involved. Considering it was a 6 years relationship that started when one of the step-child was still a toddler, and I will always find it sad when blended families can spend near a decade together and still be happy to walk away with no contact whatsoever because it clearly mean there was a fundamental failure somewhere and there is no way there would have been no impact on all involved, especially the kids in this scenario when that’s the case.

Like I said, as a kid who grew up with a stepdad, I would have been utterly distraught if after even 6 years with us, he would have been happy to walk away from us and actually actively wanted to not have any contact with us at all and would have despised even seeing us once a month. Of course he would have been entitled to do so and feel that way but it would have still been utterly emotionally heartbreaking for us as people who grew up with him and who had nothing to do with the adult relationships in that scenario.

As an adult now. I would have absolutely no way to reject a child on the basis of how other adults made me feel. Especially if they wanted contact. It’s just not something I can (and honestly don’t think ever will) relate to.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 16/02/2022 06:36

@AllOfUsAreDead - I already explained. It isn't about the words used, it's the actual actions. Being allowed to attend the sibling birthday party is in no way the same as being given a card for your own birthday. If you're invited to someone's birthday, you wouldn't see that as exactly the same as being given a birthday card on your own. The first is allowing them to be acquaintances, the second is actually spending a minute thinking about them. Remember, these are very young children.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/02/2022 07:29

YANBU.

There are some real worthies on here.

Your ex is clearly looking to palm his other kids off on you. It won't be long till he'll leave them with you on your own.

Tell him to jog on.

MintyFreshBreath · 16/02/2022 07:33

I’ve never had to navigate this but I know I’d find it hard not to see DSS again if the worst happened. DSD, not so much as she’s a pain in the arse. Maybe it’s best that whilst things are raw, your ex sees all the kids together at his place and (if you feel up to it) in a few months, maybe you could see the older ones for lunch out with your 2 year old?

Marvellousmadness · 16/02/2022 07:35

Tell him no
And no again
And again

mumtoallbhoys · 16/02/2022 07:45

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

Do you think your ex wants you to mind them or do you think the children generally miss you? If it is the latter I don't think I could break their hearts. They are only primary school age and it might affect their self esteem and self worth. If you really don't want them I hope you can at least remember their birthdays or something.

AllOfUsAreDead · 16/02/2022 08:17

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@AllOfUsAreDead - I already explained. It isn't about the words used, it's the actual actions. Being allowed to attend the sibling birthday party is in no way the same as being given a card for your own birthday. If you're invited to someone's birthday, you wouldn't see that as exactly the same as being given a birthday card on your own. The first is allowing them to be acquaintances, the second is actually spending a minute thinking about them. Remember, these are very young children.[/quote]
Prove that she isn't going to do that. Where did she show specifically that she isn't going to give them a card or even a present? You are assuming based on what's she said. But I would assume that if she is taking her child to a birthday party she would take a card and most likely a present. Because that's just what you do.

AllOfUsAreDead · 16/02/2022 08:22

@Linning

I think you are selling your services as a nanny short to be honest. You're working underpaid and then completely free for parents you don't even like just to hang out with the kids? You're being completely screwed over there by the parents and letting yourself get taken advantage of.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 16/02/2022 08:53

@AllOfUsAreDead - you're just imagining reasonable behaviour. OP mentioned "our DC" for the birthday and has been very clear multiple times that except being polite at the door she wants no relationship or other contact with the children herself. As I said, by all means argue that it's her right to cut the kids off, but stop arguing that OP has said she'll do the opposite of what she actually said.

TheCountessOfGrantham · 16/02/2022 15:31

No, it's not unreasonable. I had stepchildren that I had a very tricky relationship with. One had numerous issues with attachment, was physically violent and destructive and caused me a lot of misery. Their father and I split up many years ago and I have not seen them since, nor do I want to, despite them living with us full time and me bringing them up for almost seven years. They were a huge weight on my shoulders and I was glad to be rid of all of them.

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