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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/02/2022 15:24

He can arrange for his kids and your child to spend time together on his watch. End of story.

Chewbecca · 14/02/2022 15:24

The time your exH has all 3 of his children is the time your DSC spend with your DC.

Assuming there is time he sees all 3 at once? It’s for him to facilitate.

AchillesPoirot · 14/02/2022 15:24

Why can’t your ex facilitate the relationship with his children and your joint child? Why does he require your input?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/02/2022 15:25

OP, you're absolutely clear about what you want. MN is likely not going to give you either affirmation of that decision or the most measured advice. It probably isn't the best place to have such a discussion as step parents are often not given a fair hearing.

The way I see it, you'd been with your partner for six years, had a child together, and made a significant commitment to this relationship. Given this level of investment the decision to leave your child's father is unlikely to have been made lightly, and must have been painful. You felt put-upon, and the situation must have made you unhappy enough that the marriage became intolerable.

I think the expectation that you'll carry on with the same circumstances which led to that breakup is unreasonable. If it was unfair of your ex to place so much of the responsibility for the care of his children onto you, it's even more unfair to expect to continue it after it's led to the breakdown of your marriage.

These things are never the children's fault. It's unfortunate and sad for them. However, their father has equal responsibility for them along with their mother, and he as their parent is the one who needs to stop transferring his obligations to others and step up to the plate.
Your current position sounds quite firm and definite, and for the wellbeing of all concerned it's probably best if you stick to it.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 15:26

Feel so sad for those kids. It’s the kind of stuff that messed up your relationships for life. As long as you’re okay though hey. I think that choosing to have a relationship with a father and having dc with that father means you do have some kind of obligation to continue a relationship (albeit less involved and not as free childcare). Doesn’t really matter what I think though as op clearly believes she’s right.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:28

@Honeyroar

It does seem a little sad for the children.
They have 50/50 time with their mum and dad, they're very lucky.
Theunamedcat · 14/02/2022 15:28

It'd the erosion of boundaries really oh it's just for a quick visit or it's a family day out for the kids then it's ooh I'm a bit stuck today could you just help me out? It's family after all..

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/02/2022 15:29

NB. The expectation that it will always be the woman who takes on the bulk of the childcare and child entertainment - irrespective of whether or not she's the mother - is frustrating. Children have two parents. Their responsibility is equal.

WildPoinsettia · 14/02/2022 15:30

If the DC were pleasant company and if the request to meet was coming from them, I'd be prepared to compromise for their sakes. Seeing them 4x a year for an hour or two, doing a activity that doesn't involve a huge amount of sitting around chatting and is paid for by their dad.

As much as I wouldn't want to socialise with my ex, I'd probably want him to be there on these occasions to parent them, unless they're particularly easy.

I'd agree to do this because I'd feel some responsibility towards their emotional welfare having been in their lives for 6yrs at an early age. I'd know I wasn't responsible for them but I'd still feel it. Once you get to the teen years, if you're not close they'll lose any desire to spend time with you anyway. So it wouldn't go on for long.

I wouldn't do things like buy them presents at birthday and Christmas or anything like that and I wouldn't arrange to meet them specifically for those occasions, just a regular every 3 months quick meetup.

If they're not bothered about the situation because you didn't have that much of a relationship with them when married, beyond being an adult who lived with them and provided food and clean clothes, and the request is coming from ExH then I'd say a flat no to any of it. Also if they're little brats I'd say no too.

I definitely wouldn't want either him or them in my home.

I'm suspicious that he's trying to use you as free childcare. An extra pair of hands so he doesn't have to manage 3 DC at once when he takes them out, I'll bet you'd end up almost solely parenting your joint DC if you all went out together, while he focused on the other two. And if they come to your house, you're hosting and clearing up the mess afterwards. I feel like this could well be coming from him and not a request from the DC at all. Of course as others have said the 3 DC can see each other at his home/days out with him during his contact times, with no need for you to be involved in facilitating that relationship at all.

Dillydollydingdong · 14/02/2022 15:30

He just wants free childcare

ClawedButler · 14/02/2022 15:31

Yes, it's tricky.

On the one hand you absolutely have no obligation to do this, and you have every right to have your own boundaries.

On the other hand, it does sound a bit cold. The kids are getting the message loud and clear that you don't want them near you.That's got to be tough for them to deal with.

I don't think there's a "right" answer to this one. Personally, I wouldn't want to cut off kids who haven't done anything wrong. But I can understand where you're coming from to an extent.

Harlequin1088 · 14/02/2022 15:33

OP, please ignore the pearl-clutching “but-think-of-the-children!” brigade.

You’ve already said that one of the factors that contributed to the end of your marriage was your struggles in the Stepmum role. It’s not an easy job at all and I for one applaud you for holding your hands up and saying, “Do you know what? This isn’t for me”. That took a lot of bravery and a lot of honesty on your part so you should be commended for that not vilified for ‘breaking the hearts’ of your poor defenceless stepchildren🙄

Your new home with your own child is your safe space and you are under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to allow your ex-husband and/or your former stepchildren over the threshold. Set these firm boundaries now as it’ll be much harder to do later.

As for your child, they will still be able to have a good relationship with their older half-siblings as they can all go to your ex-husband’s house for contact time together. My brother and I are from my Dad’s first marriage and my sister is from his second. Even though he was divorced from both our Mums, Dad made sure to have us all together for his contact days/weekends. It was great and we all looked forward to being together. As adults, we all have a great relationship.

You need to do what’s right for you and your child, OP, and the longer you’re railroaded into maintaining a relationship that you don’t want with your former stepchildren, the more miserable you’ll become.

nokidshere · 14/02/2022 15:33

Whilst I agree that you have no obligation to the step children it must be hard for them. They've had you in their lives since they were 2 & 5 and now you don't want to see them anymore. It's quite a rejection.

Yes they will be fine, yes they will get over it but a little empathy for their situation isn't a bad thing.

SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 14/02/2022 15:34

You aren’t obliged to spend time with them but I think it’s pretty sad that after 6 years you don’t seem to have any love for them and if I were your exH I would also be surprised that you didn’t want to see them any more.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 15:34

Some people expand their hearts to include lithe

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:35

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

Some people expand their hearts to include lithe
Pass me a sick bag someone.
Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 15:35

I also think it’s sad that you had a relationship with them and are so happy to cast them out.

SunshineK · 14/02/2022 15:35

Set your boundaries clearly, and do what you need to do.

However, do have at least one open conversation with the children. My dad went to work one day, never came home. It took me two years to ask him why. When I did he said 'what is this, the f Oprah Winfrey Show?!'.

Do the decent thing of telling them first hand what the future holds from your side, to let them ask you their questions and for you to answer diplomatically. Rejection and abandonment are a lazy form of torture, believe me. Their brains will tell them it is all their fault. If they know the reality of what is happening and what is ahead, they can move forward, and it can be positive done in the right way.

ancientgran · 14/02/2022 15:36

My DH had a step child, when he and his ex split she wouldn't allow him to see the child and he had no legal rights. One day a young man came to our door, he wanted to know why my husband had disappeared from his life. They talked and he went away seeming happier.

DH didn't blame his ex, he said she felt it was better and he'd agreed (he didn't) but the point is the step child came back 15 years later because he still felt the need to understand why DH had just disappeared and to reassure himself that his memories of the positive time they had together were true.

Poor kids with people just disappearing from their lives. Adults need to take responsibility for their decisions.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:37

@Pumperthepumper

I also think it’s sad that you had a relationship with them and are so happy to cast them out.
How has she cast them out? Maybe if twat ex hadn't tried to make her childcare then she would be more amenable to a relation ship with them now.
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 15:37

Trying again...

Some people expand their hearts to include extras who turn up along the way. It's a shame that isn't you OP, because I suspect your own DC will judge you harshly when they are old enough to look back on the significance of your behaviour towards their siblings. Never mind eh, watch a bit more TV or whatever was more important than having a one hour catch up once in a while so that the children don't feel let down.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 15:38

@Arabellla that just sounds like more spite. ‘It’s not your fault your dad was useless but I’m blaming you anyway’. It’s cold to have children living with you for six years (50:50) and want nothing to do with them at all.

Phobiaphobic · 14/02/2022 15:38

Just wondering if all the people telling the OP she's unkind and not putting the kids first would feel the same way if a woman wanted her ex-partner to see her kids even after he's left and the relationship has broken down.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 15:38

@ancientgran

My DH had a step child, when he and his ex split she wouldn't allow him to see the child and he had no legal rights. One day a young man came to our door, he wanted to know why my husband had disappeared from his life. They talked and he went away seeming happier.

DH didn't blame his ex, he said she felt it was better and he'd agreed (he didn't) but the point is the step child came back 15 years later because he still felt the need to understand why DH had just disappeared and to reassure himself that his memories of the positive time they had together were true.

Poor kids with people just disappearing from their lives. Adults need to take responsibility for their decisions.

Adults need to take responsibility for their decisions.

You mean the DAD needs to take responsibility for his decision. What do you expect OP to do?!

Hmum0fthree · 14/02/2022 15:38

@Gowithme

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.
Exactly this, you knew he had children when you got together, decided to be apart of 50% of their life and then got fed up with it and now totally disappeared from their lives, this sort of thing can really mess up a child, hope yourself and your ex think about this before getting into another relationship.