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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 14/02/2022 15:56

I have SDCs btw and in the event that me and their dad split up I would 100% want to continue a relationship with them, but that’s our own personal circumstance.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2022 15:57

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.
This. You were in their lives, I can't imagine being so heartless towards children that had been in my care. Usually it's the men that seem to be able to cut off completely but it's very cruel.
Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 15:57

As we've seen from many other threads, stepmothers are often told that they're not family, that the kids are there to see their dad so the stepmothers shouldn't mind that they're ignored or even treated appallingly by the kids etc... (notwithstanding doing all the menial work for them).
So most likely the kids don't consider her family, it's ExH who wants her to make his life like she did when they were together.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 14/02/2022 15:57

If you can be in those kids lives for so long and remain so unattached that you don't feel the need ever to see them again, I'm really not surprised that step-parenting made you feel 'put upon'.

SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 14/02/2022 15:58

@sunshinelover69

For fuck's sake, the kids have two parents. The OP is not one of them. How many fucking parents do they need?
It doesn’t matter that she’s not their parent. It would be hurtful if it were a close aunt or godmother who suddenly dropped them too. They are losing a significant person from their lives, whom they have known for a significant chunk of their lives and lived with for several years. OP doesn’t have to see them if she doesn’t want to but it’s sad that after all that time she doesn’t even want to see them occasionally.
Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 15:58

*to make his life easier

Dontbeme · 14/02/2022 16:00

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too

This reads a bit controlling to me OP, like he wants to keep an eye on what you are up to in your new home. Would you be willing to collect your DC from ex and pop in to say hello to the stepkids, that way your home is still private, you can leave when you want and you can avoid being roped into having his kids in your home "just this time, it's an emergency" as a boundary has already been drawn. I would be saying no to days out playing happy families though, that is too much. The situation seems complicated and I understand why you would not want to even give him an inch if you split over parenting issues.

SemperIdem · 14/02/2022 16:01

You feel how you feel, so say no. It’s quite clear from your op that you didn’t like being a step mum, so it is probably better in this instance that you make a clean break from the older children.

I separated from my long term partner in September last year, I do feel lucky that he still very much wants to be a part of my daughters life. She can’t remember life without him. Yes, she has a dad who is very much involved and always has been, but she also has her own relationship with my former partner, they love each other.

CeceBerry · 14/02/2022 16:01

Ffs some of the attitudes on here! This is why women will always be regarded as soft, weak, martyrs. Men leave their BIOLOGICAL children all the time! A woman has said she is ending her marriage one of the reasons is the relationship with the step children, yet people here are forcing her to do the thing she has escaped from.

The OP is not happy seeing the children (and the ex) but fuck her feelings. She’s the woman and need to put herself last as usual. The kids have a father, they have a mother. That time she is being asked to spend with the step children is time she should be spending with her own 2 year (or watching TV!! if she bloody chooses).

TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2022 16:02

@ChargingBuck

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

CF expects you to keep providing wifework to him.
Fuck him off without compunction OP - & don't allow him over your threshold again. He's your Ex for good reasons - don't let him encroach on your private space.

Yes, he's clearly not giving a shit that this is why OP is divorcing in the first place. He's still trying to dump the DSC onto OP.

It's the ex's responsibility to foster a relationship between the DC.

SportsMother · 14/02/2022 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 16:04

Wow. So you knew the children from 2 and 5 years old, but you don't want a relationship?

You sound incredibly selfish. You knew what you were taking on when you got together with your ex. You knew young children were involved.

You agreed to create a relationship, nurture it for 6 years (although maybe not given your OP) and now you're just dumping them?

You're not someone I'd want to know. I'm sorry, but I just have no time for anyone like you, when can throw a kid under a bus because you can't be arsed.

I'm not saying you need to fulfil the Stepmum role anymore, but the odd visit, open communication is hardly asking much. Immature and selfish.

HelloPanda12 · 14/02/2022 16:04

At the end of the day you’re not their mother and you’re not longer in a relationship with their father, there’s no need for a relationship to continue with his children, it can become confusing for them, being all together on a day out once in a while might make them think you’re all going to be back together as a family again. It’s not necessary.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:05

You feel how you feel, so say no. It’s quite clear from your op that you didn’t like being a step mum

No I didn't. Partly because as I say, I felt put upon by exH and his ex and also because (and I know I'll likely get flamed) but I just didn't really enjoy being around my SC. One was okay but the youngest was so difficult at times it made it very hard for me to feel any real level of attachment if I'm honest. So no, as cold as it may make me sound I'm really not bothered personally about not seeing them again.

It's not the sole reason for me leaving. ExH was useless in many ways and had a horrible temper sometimes. Perhaps my feelings for him as well have not helped the way I feel (it's not been great with us for a while).

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:06

You sound incredibly selfish. You knew what you were taking on when you got together with your ex

Not really. I didn't think being married to a man with DC meant I was committing to a lifelong relationship with his children should the marriage breakdown.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2022 16:07

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Arabellla you don’t know that: the op was their stepMUM for six years.[/quote]
And would you still feel the same way about a man who separated from his wife? Would you expect him to carry on seeing his stepchildren?

I bet you wouldn't even have thought about it if it wasn't pointed out.

But OP is female, so people are piling onto her, in a way that they never do if the situation was reversed. Society still judges women more harshly if they don't fall into the caring/nurturing roles assigned to them.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 16:08

@CeceBerry

Ffs some of the attitudes on here! This is why women will always be regarded as soft, weak, martyrs. Men leave their BIOLOGICAL children all the time! A woman has said she is ending her marriage one of the reasons is the relationship with the step children, yet people here are forcing her to do the thing she has escaped from.

The OP is not happy seeing the children (and the ex) but fuck her feelings. She’s the woman and need to put herself last as usual. The kids have a father, they have a mother. That time she is being asked to spend with the step children is time she should be spending with her own 2 year (or watching TV!! if she bloody chooses).

Ridiculous post. Two wrongs don't make a right, regardless of gender.

And a child's feelings always trump an adults. Always.

Regardless that they have biological parents, it doesn't make a step mum dumping you suddenly any easier. They've known this woman as a parent-type figure for 6 years. They'll be confused and hurt to be dumped overnight I'm sure.

You sound cold and emotionally immature

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:08

@SplitStep

You sound incredibly selfish. You knew what you were taking on when you got together with your ex

Not really. I didn't think being married to a man with DC meant I was committing to a lifelong relationship with his children should the marriage breakdown.

I would absolutely hate to be a step parent, I couldn’t do that.

Which is why I’d never get into a relationship with someone with kids. You did. Nobody can force you to see them if you don’t want to, but I do think it’s cold you’re able to walk away from them, having made the decision to be in their lives in the first place.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:09

@SportsMother

I think you will have a long time to regret this decision.

You’re really planning to go NC with primary school kids over this? Or is it that you feel strongly now but expect things to cool off in time.

Do you have any goodwill towards them? For example could you see yourself sending birthday cards, or congratulations when they become parents or are they dead to you?

I can understand not giving your ex a wedge into your life, but with the children I would think really carefully about the future too.

I'm not really seeing the dramatics of replies like this to be honest. What is it that I will come to hugely regret?

My DC will have a relationship with them at their Dad's. I'm not preventing a sibling relationship, they can have that of course and their Dad can be the one to facilitate.

In all honestly no, I don't see myself having that much of a relationship with them by the time they are of an age getting married/having DC that I'll be getting in touch.

I'd be kind if / when I ever do see them (maybe at DCs birthdays and drop offs or whatever) but I don't really feel any need to go any further than that.

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 14/02/2022 16:09

No-one here can "force" the OP to do anything. She is entitled to her feelings, other people are entitled to think of the impact on the children.

Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 16:09

@SplitStep

You feel how you feel, so say no. It’s quite clear from your op that you didn’t like being a step mum

No I didn't. Partly because as I say, I felt put upon by exH and his ex and also because (and I know I'll likely get flamed) but I just didn't really enjoy being around my SC. One was okay but the youngest was so difficult at times it made it very hard for me to feel any real level of attachment if I'm honest. So no, as cold as it may make me sound I'm really not bothered personally about not seeing them again.

It's not the sole reason for me leaving. ExH was useless in many ways and had a horrible temper sometimes. Perhaps my feelings for him as well have not helped the way I feel (it's not been great with us for a while).

OP

It sounds unlikely that the kids consider you family (or even like you) so this - ExH's demand - is clearly all for ExH's benefit rather than theirs.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:10

@TurquoiseDragon yes, I would. I find the ‘oh what if they sexes were reversed’ arguments very dull because nobody actually believes women and men are equal. So to pretend the rules are exactly the same for men and women is stupid. But in this case yes: being a step parent for six years is a significant part of those children’s lives. Regardless of sex.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 16:11

@SplitStep

You sound incredibly selfish. You knew what you were taking on when you got together with your ex

Not really. I didn't think being married to a man with DC meant I was committing to a lifelong relationship with his children should the marriage breakdown.

You're naive and selfish then.

It doesn't take a genious to know that if you get together with a father, you take on their children as well.

Maybe not forever, but you certainly don't dump them cold turkey as soon as the relationship ends. Not caring at all what the children want.

Can you really not come up with a kinder alternative? Grow up and put the kids first. The odd 15 minute catch up I'd hardly asking for the earth, but not your responsibility now, no? Selfish.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:11

Which is why I’d never get into a relationship with someone with kids. You did. Nobody can force you to see them if you don’t want to, but I do think it’s cold you’re able to walk away from them, having made the decision to be in their lives in the first place

Then there is a difference in how we view a step parent relationship. I would never have thought marrying DH implied I'd be making a lifelong commitment to his kids regardless as to whether he turned out to be an arse or not.

And trust me, I won't be dating anyone for a long time and certainly never anyone with DC again. I'm quite intent on keeping that aspect if it ever happens in the future away from me and DCs home until they have left.

OP posts:
SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 14/02/2022 16:12

I just didn't really enjoy being around my SC. One was okay but the youngest was so difficult at times it made it very hard for me to feel any real level of attachment if I'm honest. So no, as cold as it may make me sound I'm really not bothered personally about not seeing them again.

Ouch. That is brutal.