7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

You need to have a frank talk with your DPs. Tell them EVERYTHING that has been going on and that AC are being selfish and manipulative, particularly about going around you and guilt tripping them.
They need to know that not hosting should not mean not seeing CF relatives.

They can have lunch together at a nice pub or they can sort sandwich platters out for them etc.

It also pisses me off that CF AC have told you to mind your own business about your own 90 years old DPs - that is not on.

In the worst case scenario - DPs insist on housing AC and AC insist on coming. You need to tell EVERYONE - AC & DPs - that your DPs will NOT be hosting your AC, in fact they won't lift a finger in terms of house work, meal prep, tidying, making beds etc. ACs will have to pull their own weight and effectively be your DPs carers for the duration of their stay.Let's see how that goes down.

Send them a list of house instructions and guidelines for looking after your parents.

1.Mum might need a bit of help with the toilet. It can take a good ten minutes...

1. Dad is quite wedded to his breakfast routines. Because they're elderly they do tend to get up early. He'd like his porridge cooked by about 6am and served ONLY in the small blue bowl.

1. You'll need to keep an eye on his medication. He's on four kinds. He has a tendency to mix them up so can you make sure that doesn't happen while you're there?

Etc etc. While you're there I can stop worrying about them for a few days, it's nice of you to take the load on for a bit. Here's the number of the Dr, the hospital, the three specialists they are under for x, y, and z, and the local elderly social services in case you come unstuck, but I'm sure you know what you're doing, right?

Head tilt.

And anyway, these people are Irish but live in the US.

No, they are Americans who think they are Irish because of their ancestry.

Aye well, if your parents have counteracted what you tried to do, then there's nothing much you CAN say at this point.

If your parents aren't too happy about it, well, that's now their look out, sadly.

The fuckers clearly don't give a shite about your parents or their health - and I hope they realise when they get to your parents' place what utter fuckers they have been.

I really REALLY hope it's not too much for your parents - but you can't do anything now, just watch and wait. So sorry :(

Your parents are seemingly on board. And it ‘might be the last time’

Sadly you will probably have to sit and watch them being stressed out by your cfac OP.

Because I think if anything will contribute to the fact that this will be the last time, it will be the arrival and strain of looking after the ac.

I'd ask your parents whether they would now like you to say no finally.
Or would they like to host them, but you and your family won't be coming over to help.

I am an American and absolutely disgusted by this behavior. Please know we are not so boorish.

@momtoboys

I am an American and absolutely disgusted by this behavior. Please know we are not so boorish.

Some are Some aren’t Just like with any nationality

OP

The absolute cheek of your cousin telling you to back off.

I think you need a very firm conversation with your parents.

Ask them do they want them to stay or not.

If they do, then that is THEIR business and you will not be available to intervene when these complete CF's arrive and impose on them.

The older I get the less tolerance I have for those who won't take genuine well meaning advice, plough on with what they want and then return to be helped again when things go tits up.

You have a chance of preventing unnecessary drama.
If your parents cannot see that, then just leave them to it.

These people are users and will bring nothing but stress.

You rightly have the measure of them.

Only the absolute dregs would use and impose of two very elderly relatives.

@heldinadream

Send them a list of house instructions and guidelines for looking after your parents.

1.Mum might need a bit of help with the toilet. It can take a good ten minutes...

1. Dad is quite wedded to his breakfast routines. Because they're elderly they do tend to get up early. He'd like his porridge cooked by about 6am and served ONLY in the small blue bowl.

1. You'll need to keep an eye on his medication. He's on four kinds. He has a tendency to mix them up so can you make sure that doesn't happen while you're there?

Etc etc. While you're there I can stop worrying about them for a few days, it's nice of you to take the load on for a bit. Here's the number of the Dr, the hospital, the three specialists they are under for x, y, and z, and the local elderly social services in case you come unstuck, but I'm sure you know what you're doing, right?

Head tilt.

Takes my breath away. Unbelievable.

Just wow.

Can your parents move in with you and then give them their house for the duration.

Still cfers but at least it might protect your parents a bit. They can see them for a short while.

"Well my experience is that if they host at home they really host you in a very generous way but they also expect that in return which is not really the done thing here - driving them about, staying with you regardless of situation, expecting you to join in with everything and jumping from person to person to avoid paying too much. I really believe there is a huge cultural difference in this."

@ChickenStripper
I'm Canadian and when I host, I like to make sure everyone has a good time. However, I do not expect anything in return. I don't like staying at people's homes, I like my own space. I have never expected people to drive me about or for them to join in and I certainly do not expect them to pay for me! My family and friends feel the same.

You are very rude to stereotype people.

Vinyl Cafe--I agree! I would never travel anywhere where I could not afford to take care of my own needs. How presumptuous! I agree that your parents could be harmed beyond repair. Take care of them.

A great suggestion from another poster, let your parents stay with you if at all possible? The AC can do what the feck they like and look after themselves.

@Walkingalot

A great suggestion from another poster, let your parents stay with you if at all possible? The AC can do what the feck they like and look after themselves.

OP is 200 miles away. Does anyone really think her elderly parents should decamp to 200 miles away and let CFs inhabit their space for ten days? How are they going to get there? Is OP supposed to pick them up and return them? That's 800 miles of driving. No.

I really, really don't think these people should have invited themselves. But I'm also not sure that it's OP's job to uninvite them when her parents want to see them? They might be elderly but they are still adults. And some really irrelevant stuff is being thrown in now - they can't visit because it might disrupt the anniversary party that OP may or may not decide to have?

@steppemum

Step in. Write to them and say that now your parents are 90 they are not able to cope with this, but they will never admit it. Staying with them is out fo the question. Expecting them to drive them anywhere is out of the question.

Your parents will never tell them as they are struggling to acknowledge this change, but at 90 they are now pretty elderly since the last time they saw them.

So as a good daughter you are stepping in.

Suggest they need to up their game and drive and stay in B&B, or not come.

This.

Sometimes people just don't think.

You will undoubtedly be the bad guy but you'd be under stress any way. At least this would prevent repeats.

@whiteroseredrose

OP has written to them - they've told her to mind her own business. They are being complete CF

"Some are
Some aren’t
Just like with any nationality confused"

In my haste I forgot to add the word "all" to my first post...as in we are not all like this!

Believe me since our 2016 presidential election there are more boorish people coming out of the closet in this country every day.

I agree with a PP. You need to make it clear you will not be dealing with any aftermath of the visit, or helping during it. I have unexpectedly ended up having my 81 year old DM for the weekend after she had a fall; my next two weeks/weekends look as if I will be juggling work, doing shopping, laundry and housework for her, and I am only 10-15 minutes drive away. Much harder at the distance you are OP.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney has there been any update on this?

I have been thinking about this, I had 2 of my family over for half term and even though they helped out a lot, it was still hard work and I am in my mid 40s!

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney - have you heard anything further from the travelling relatives or any updates from your own parents on this since you last posted?

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney
Did the relatives descend on your elderly parents ?

Dying to know the latest!