7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

@Integrity7

That is my point. If you want to protect your parents they will have 4 days clear of the quarantine would have to quarantine longer. I would also get them to do a PCR. And get air purifiers etc.

Check with her hospital but my betting - as someone with MS who has had 3 jabs. The party and other relatives are out until they have said goodbye to your parents.

You presumably had to not see them for so long because you were mixing with others?

Or is there another reason you don't want them there?

The point is that you clearly haven’t read the OP’s other posts.

Maybe do that.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Glad you are standing firm. It sounds like there are 2 or 3 American households that are involved in this trip. I hope you are sending very clear emails to everyone concerned.

Sounds like they are being complete CFs. If you are just emailing 1 of the households involved, one of the others could plead ignorance and still be contacting your DPs.

Do your DPs know you have put a stop to them staying? I just think you need to be transparent with everyone so no one can weedle around anything

browneyes77 I know why don't people at least click see all and read OP's posts? I sometimes wish we had a mute button for certain posters.

That's a good point ^^ make sure all are aware they're not to stay.

@Juniper68

browneyes77 I know why don't people at least click see all and read OP's posts? I sometimes wish we had a mute button for certain posters.

Baffles me.

If there’s pages of responses, first thing I do is just read the OP’s posts so I can at least get a good overview as to what’s happened and also get a feel for where the thread is at before I contribute.

Yea I have contacted all of them especially now the main cheekiest fucker culprits with a stern email last night .
They have read it ( almost immediately) but not responded.

Because they are your parents and are 90's and they say they want to see them. She could stay with her parents and get someone to deliver them to alternative quarantine accommodation in the middle of nowhere. 14 days is usually for quarantine with no symptoms. It is then up to them if they want to extend to allow them to quarantine for a fortnight to keep your parents and you safe.

This followed on from someone else's post.

Is anyone as confused as me as to how this tangled web are related to each other. I know it doesn't really matter for the point of the thread but it's starting to sound like the mafia

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney that's good hopefully they reply soon?

My family is not part of the mafia but quite large with several families of cousins plus offspring

@Integrity7 are you being deliberately obtuse?

Your comments are so random and really not adding anything. You are going on about quarantine and OP 'delivering' CF relatives to alternative accommodation - I mean FFS RTFT.

OP's DPs are in their 90s and in no physical state to host anyone - let alone 7 people for 10 days.
OP lives 200 miles away and is CEV - she can't just pop round
CF rellies have an ulterior motive of a wedding in Italy and using DPs home as a base
OP has said CF rellies are welcome to visit DP but for tea and cake or take them out to lunch.

[quote Pipsquiggle]@Integrity7 are you being deliberately obtuse?

Your comments are so random and really not adding anything. You are going on about quarantine and OP 'delivering' CF relatives to alternative accommodation - I mean FFS RTFT.

OP's DPs are in their 90s and in no physical state to host anyone - let alone 7 people for 10 days.
OP lives 200 miles away and is CEV - she can't just pop round
CF rellies have an ulterior motive of a wedding in Italy and using DPs home as a base
OP has said CF rellies are welcome to visit DP but for tea and cake or take them out to lunch.[/quote]
No but it appears you are. Yes I did read them did you understand mine?
Possibly you have not understood the science.

I will explain it for you to clarify.

1. Her parents are adults, why isn't she discussing it with them - perhaps she is..
2. They are her parents. 3)They need help.
3. Covid is a thing. Tea following a Wedding without a quarantine period puts them at potentially greater risk than making them quarantine. 5)It also forces them to deal with reality - has she explained to them about the clinically extremely vulnerable bit.
4. if she cant get holiday / quarantine accommodation ready she could organise this with the person providing it.
5. If she cares about her parents then why not visit for a couple of days or organise a carer - though this might put them at greater risk as carers work with multiple people.
6. My betting is they will back out once a quarantine period is discussed and measures (masks, social distancing, bubbles) agreed with her parents or her parents will change their minds if they do not.

@Integrity7

OP doesn't have to organise anything for CF relatives.
The CF relatives need to stop taking the piss - pretending they are there to celebrate a big birthday when they are not.
I don't know what OP is saying to her parents but she is obviously protecting them from this CFery.
I am sure if the CF relatives do want to pop in to see OPs DPs, OP will be asking everyone to be taking the appropriate measures to mitigate covid transmission.

Bloody hell, it gets even worse!!!

Who in their right mind from all the cousins etc (I can't work out who's who either!) would think their self invite would be in any shape or form acceptable or feasible?!!!

Especially as the trip isn't even close to your mum's 90th and the younger ones were intending to drop the kids off and pop over to Italy! Bloody hell! 🙈

At 90?! Absolutely not on - what a bloody cheek some people have. People like this only learn if you tell them straight. Don't feel guilty; they don't.

@steppemum

Step in. Write to them and say that now your parents are 90 they are not able to cope with this, but they will never admit it. Staying with them is out fo the question. Expecting them to drive them anywhere is out of the question.

Your parents will never tell them as they are struggling to acknowledge this change, but at 90 they are now pretty elderly since the last time they saw them.

So as a good daughter you are stepping in.

Suggest they need to up their game and drive and stay in B&B, or not come.

100% this! ⬆️

No way…They should hire cars and arrange own accommodation. And pay for caterers to come in. This is far too much for 99 year old celebration. Utterly inconsiderate.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Actually I think they just want a free holiday!

Yes I suspect that too and they mustn't be allowed to take advantage of your elderly parents to get one! Oh no! I wasn't sure what to say at first but I've realised that in your shoes, I would have to step in to protect my parents and let the relatives kick off if they wanted too! They are being incredibly self-centred and cheeky and it seems to me they haven't considered the effect on your parents at all and need to be made to think about it. Lay it on a bit and see if they feel any bit guilty at all. If they do, they'll back off! If they don't, well then they are heartless bastards and you are well within your rights to tell them to feck right off...or however you want to phrase it!!! Good luck OP and happy birthday to your mother. Thank God your parents have you!

‘ UniversalAunt
We found that when staying with elderly cousins who knew my Gparents well - in a land far far away & many time zones to count - we were frequently questioned by younger members of the family, sometimes directly & sometimes stealthily - about our home. Where it was, how close to London, how to long to get there and how many people could sleep there.

Once we’d twigged, my standard answer was that the family were welcome to sleep in the bathroom & the bus came though twice a week.

Went strangely quiet after that…
So you were happy to stay with family but didnt want to reciprocate?’

Good point. The hosting family were strongly connected to my branch through decades of letter writing after emigration, so the relationship & invitation to stay for a few days, during a long holiday most spent travelling, in hotels & with other close rellies, was staying with family for a long weekend in a spare room. It was a lovely getting to know that branch of the family & we became letter writers as well.

Whereas the curious set were not people who we had stayed with but had heard we were there for a few days & dropped by to scope us out as potential hosts.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

What? They're Irish and don't like British roads? What a load of bollocks that is. I can imagine someone having a problem the other way because some Irish roads are seriously tricky, like needing to reverse to a gateway when you meet oncoming traffic, but British roads are fine. I was assuming that they were coming from a country that drives on the other side and with different traffic rules, which would definitely be tricky for some people, but even then it wouldn't be fair to expect your parents to be their taxi.

This! I've lived in both countries and driven on the roads of both and although where the OP's parents live is remote and the roads may not be great, if they live here in Ireland they should be MORE than well able to cope as most of our roads are windy and narrow, and full of potholes too! Unless they live in Dublin and NEVER drive anywhere else in Ireland this is just bs and I would be doubtful and it still wouldn't be a good enough excuse to put upon 2 very elderly relations that aren't even that close!

The visitors are coming from the US but are of Irish descent

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Spoke to my English cousin this evening . She has already told them that she was unavailable thinking it was only 2 but her sister said she was happy to have them.

She had heard the young couple with children had been invited to a party in Italy and were going to leave young kids with another cousin at my parents house and fly out for a couple of days . So total absolute bullshit that they want to celebrate my mums birthday ( 2 months early ) but looking at their house as the boarding school for the kids as they swan off!

I am speechless and I think another strongly worded message may be in order.

My English cousin Agreed with me it would be too much for my parents and also not to involve them as they would offer to muddle through! Said a similar event probably was the demise of her mum years ago.

Screw stern messages.

Tell them they will be turned away at the door, end of. And you will involve the police to remove them if you have to, cheeky fuckers.

Ok I have read all your posts @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney. Sadly haven't the time to read all of the comments by the people replying to your original posts - but here is my take (as someone with a 92 - nearly 93 year old Mother):

It isn't clear to me exactly what you have said to the family members. Did a strongly worded email include the words 'NO you absolutely cannot stay with my parents' or did it simply state all the very good reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea? There is a difference?

Do you actually really know these people yourself and want to stay in touch with them? We all have more distant relatives who we hardly ever see. Does it matter if they never speak to you again? And would it be a matter of grief to your parents if they didn't speak to them either?

If you haven't already done so, you need to actually say 'No' to the US relatives. In BIG letters. End of. Stop trying to find them accomodation elsewhere and tell them ( for all the very good reasons you have explained on this thread) that the suggestion is simply a non-starter and that while your parents are not the ones saying 'no' , you as the daughter have to make the decision for them to protect them

I think you also need to tell your parents that you care about them far too much to let them be put upon like this, That you would never forgive yourself if the strain of entertaining these people or ill health as a result of catching Covid from them while they are out and about killed them or made them very ill - and you are putting your foot down about the whole thing to protect them. They may be a bit miffed with you - or they may be secretly grateful - but I do think if the less strongly worded stuff hasn't worked with the relatives you need to tell your parents what you are doing/intending to do

Good Luck. Not an easy situation to be in

@Silvers11
In my last email I told them it was neither fair nor feasible and couldn’t happen .
I also said I didn’t care what they had been told by my parents but I was saying no to protect their health.

Hope that did the trick.