To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

[Splobbins]

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

Is it actually something SHE is bothered about, or are YOU bothered about it and have projected it onto her/now she feels uncomfortable?

Giraffes she was upset previously about him lending out her bed and not consulting her first, and I said to her that he should really ask first. This is when he has visitors when the DC aren't there.

Then more recently she told me about the upcoming situation when he has told her he'll have to share her bed. She was upset about it and told me she didn't want it to happen. I did react with some outrage saying there's no way she should have to do that and she can tell him no. But I'm pretty sure I didn't give her the idea to not want to IYSWIM. She was already upset about use of her bed and then more upset about this.

(and as a few other PPs have said that their DDs, or they at that age, would find this mortifying, I think it's not that unusual that she wouldn't want to, even though some 12yos might not mind)

This seems 100% wrong to me, I can't believe all the people saying it's fine. Absolutely not. No way.

My father and I would have been mutually disgusted at sharing a bed at twelve. It’s just not appropriate. Your ex needs a frank discussion on prioritizing his children’s visitation.

I find it strange people keep saying because it's her DF it shouldn't matter if they sleep together. Don't people know that sexual abuse can happen by a relative and even a parent?!?!? Not saying thats the case in this situation but it does happen, and if she doesn't feel comfortable then that's that. I think 12 is too old to be sleeping with dad. My ex would wake up most mornings with "wood" but loved to have his DD8 in the bed with him, it just made me uncomfortable for her and for him although neither of them had an issue with it.

I think your DD should sleep on a blow up mattress in her brothers room or even in her DFs room. and I wouldn't feel comfortable with her on the sofa with visitors there either. Maybe she should stay at home that weekend which would solve all the issues.

I also am put off by the father thinking/insisting that the DD sleep with him. Why not the DS??? Just gives me an odd feeling.

If your DD was OK with it, it would be fine. But a 12-year-old shouldn’t have to share a bed with anyone they don’t want to. No ifs or buts. Privacy and personal space are a pretty basic right for a child at that age. I adore both my parents and we’re a family who hug each other a lot, but I still wouldn’t have wanted to share a bed with either of them at age of 12. Not for any sinister reason; just because my personal space and boundaries were important to me.

For me it's fine - depends on the parents and the kids. If she isn't fine with it the it shouldn't happen

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

Very insensitive given the OP clearly said she was sexually abused by her father

she was upset previously about him lending out her bed and not consulting her first, and I said to her that he should really ask first. This is when he has visitors when the DC aren't there

I think she's wrong to be upset about this and you were definitely wrong to be telling her that he should be asking first. Stop butting in with your ex's parenting and use of his own home!

It is 100% common as a child to have to give your bed up for visitors (especially older ones), and she's not even doing this if these other people are staying in it when she's not there! I had to do it even as a young adult until I moved it because it was the polite and respectful thing to do. And it wasn't even whilst I was away in another bed which was mine, I was on an air bed in another room!

OP you need to defend your DD's boundary's re sharing a bed when she's uncomfortable but you also need to stop indulging her complaints (and I complained when I was 12 too so I get it) and undermining your ex's parenting and use of his own home!

you were definitely wrong to be telling her that he should be asking first

Maybe. But I was just going on the basis that I think most people wouldn't like this happening without being asked first - it's her room, her private space.

I don't like butting in on his parenting and hesitate a lot before I do it, but there are things he just doesn't get and once in a while I do say something if the DC are complaining to me a lot.

It’s up to your DD, surely. If she’s uncomfortable then her dad shouldn’t insist on it. You should always listen to your child’s wishes about these things.

OP you need to defend your DD's boundary's re sharing a bed when she's uncomfortable but you also need to stop indulging her complaints (and I complained when I was 12 too so I get it) and undermining your ex's parenting and use of his own home!

So why does ex never ask his son to give up his bed? Why always the daughter?

@iklboo

OP you need to defend your DD's boundary's re sharing a bed when she's uncomfortable but you also need to stop indulging her complaints (and I complained when I was 12 too so I get it) and undermining your ex's parenting and use of his own home!

So why does ex never ask his son to give up his bed? Why always the daughter?

Read my whole post. Not just the little extract that suits your agenda out of context

This isn't the DD giving up her bed. This is ex putting other visitors in a bed when neither of the children are there. No one is giving up there bed! As OP has explained that DD has a double and DS has a single it makes sense that any adult visitors to the house (When neither child is there), or even shock horror the visiting people might be a couple, would be more comfortable in a double than a single. That's just simple logistic.

And once again, in this scenario, NO ONE IS GIVING UP THEIR BED!

This isn't the DD giving up her bed. This is ex putting other visitors in a bed when neither of the children are there.

The point of the post is that visitors are being put in the bed WHILE DD IS THERE this time and OP's ex is expecting to sleep in the same bed as her. Which she's not comfortable with. I have no agenda, but I can comprehend posts.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her.

It should be fine for a daughter or son to share a bed with their dad, but if the daughter or son doesn't want to then they shouldn't.

I wouldn’t have a problem with my daughters dad sharing a bed with her. I share a bed with my 17yr old son when I stay at my mums, he doesn’t mind and neither do I, I’d be quite upset if my ex suggested it was inappropriate because I’d assume he didn’t trust me. If the child doesn’t like it though then I wouldn’t want them to be forced, he could sleep on the sofa or floor of a room if they don’t want their dad in their bed

It depends on how your DD feels about it. I loved sharing a bed with my dad. It's my dad !!

I shared with him even when I was way older when required. It was never weird or awkward, as it was my dad. It depends on the relationship etc.

I also was sexually abused by my late F, so I understand why this is deeply unsettling for you, OP, it would be for me too.

But in this scenario, that isn’t the point. Your DD doesn’t want to share a bed with her dad so she shouldn’t have to.

My DD1 is 12 and is very privacy conscious where her dad (my DH) is concerned and I’m sure would never want to share a bed with him (and he wouldn’t ever suggest it).

@movintothecountry

YANBU.

Whilst i don't have the experience of dealing with an ex-partner on subjects like this, I do remember what it was like to be 12 and shy of my body around even my own dad.

If he's the type not to listen to her and its making her anxious i would just say that she is sick this weekend and would like to stay at yours? Is that an option?

This are the guests people that she knows if not that’s uncomfortable too

I'm sorry but no I personally don't think a 12 year old should be sleeping in a bed with her Dad. Do you think he actually realises her age and the implications of puberty ie need for privacy, boundaries etc? I just think that many Dads find this hard to grasp - their little girl growing up! However he sounds very disrespectful in general towards her. He definitely should be sleeping on the sofa or an air bed on the floor would even be better. I was never sexually abused by my Dad but I would not have been happy to have him in my bed!

It's fine!! But if she's not happy with it maybe one of them could sleep on a blow up bed on the floor?

@Ricksteinsfishwife

I don’t really agree your over riding logic op, but understand your history maybe swaying it. I can absolutely say I’d have no concerns about my daughter sharing a bed for one night with my husband, her father, than me doing it.

On saying that though. He needs to take her feelings into account. And I’d be very concerned she’s so upset at the thought of sleeping beside her own father.

I find it very concerning that anyone would be so against a child having autonomy over her own body and personal space.

Children should be heard. If a child is uncomfortable sharing their personal space with another person they absolutely should not have to.

The need for privacy should not be concerning.

The fear of expressing that need and having your need overruled by someone who thinks they know better because they’re fine with it. Is absolutely the problem here.

This child, this young woman does not want to share a bed with her father.

That should end the discussion right there.

I think the main thing here is whether or not DD is comfortable - she doesn't want it to happen so it shouldn't happen end of. That's the correct reasoning behind it.

Given your explanations though I would say that your own experiences have skewed your view on things a bit but I wouldn't expect anything other than that if you have been through something horrific.

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

your daughter should be happy to

No she shouldn't if she's not comfortable with it