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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

691 replies

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:12

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mushrooms0up · 13/02/2022 20:17

YANBU - it drives me mad on here!

Loads of women want to be proposed to, proposing to their OH wouldn’t actually solve the problem of him failing to step up

lumpofcomfort · 13/02/2022 20:20

I posted my surprise on the thread. I'm not married and have never had a proposal but every single couple I know that married there was a proposal involved and 99% of the time the man proposed to the woman. On MN nobody has a proposal, they just sat down one night and agreed they would get married then went back to watching Netflix or whatever.

UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow · 13/02/2022 20:23

Geee I wonder how lesbians manage.

Bonheurdupasse · 13/02/2022 20:24

YANBU.
It’s performative “feminism” for show.

Ifailed · 13/02/2022 20:24

is this the 1950s?

Original poster
alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:30

Also, anyone who receives an engagement ring is deemed materialistic and ‘all about the bling.’ More than once, I have seen engagement rings described as ‘markers of chattel.’ Grin

According to MN, you are supposed to ‘sit him down at the table’ apparently. Like a business meeting.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 13/02/2022 20:32

@UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow

Geee I wonder how lesbians manage.
That's why they had to practice on Civil Partnerships first.
Oesro · 13/02/2022 20:32

I don’t know. But with the absolute idiocy of how many adults conduct their relationships and the impact on their children with various partners I think a lot of people could do with sitting down at the table and being grown ups about marriage

IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 13/02/2022 20:34

@Oesro

I don’t know. But with the absolute idiocy of how many adults conduct their relationships and the impact on their children with various partners I think a lot of people could do with sitting down at the table and being grown ups about marriage
Exactly right.
Flittingaboutagain · 13/02/2022 20:35

We talked about getting married before having children. When we were expecting a baby I then said, so when will we get married? My now husband said let's set a date! It was exactly what I would expect from two adults at our stage of life. I have a wedding ring that he designed for me but declined an engagement ring because we got married months after that conversation. We didn't just carry on watching Netflix mind you, we got a takeaway and alcohol free prosecco to celebrate Smile.

Original poster
alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:37

is this the 1950s?

Every thread. Every time.

OP posts:
PeachCottonTree · 13/02/2022 20:37

@lumpofcomfort

I posted my surprise on the thread. I'm not married and have never had a proposal but every single couple I know that married there was a proposal involved and 99% of the time the man proposed to the woman. On MN nobody has a proposal, they just sat down one night and agreed they would get married then went back to watching Netflix or whatever.
Couples can discuss it together and still have a proposal. Just because there has been a ‘surprise proposal’ doesn’t mean the man just decided it himself.
Oesro · 13/02/2022 20:41

@IBelieveInAThingCalledScience I’m sounding like a bitch on here. But honestly, after reading lots of posts on MN I think some people don’t think about the impact of their relationships upon themselves and their children

SpaceDetective · 13/02/2022 20:42

Yabu, because the following is wrong

1) Nobody in actual real life does this

My parents and several friends decided to get married by mutual agreement, so no proposal at all. My sister proposed to her now husband.

alwayswrighty · 13/02/2022 20:42

I mean my DH and I did discuss marriage together after I nearly died of meningitis. Neither proposed. I didn't get a shiny ring until after we'd got married so 🤷‍♀️

AliasGrape · 13/02/2022 20:42

My husband proposed to me, but it was a bit of silly play acting really as we had discussed and decided between us that we were going to get married and chosen a ring even. Husband then decided he wanted to do the proposal, I honestly would have been happy without but as it happens it was very sweet and a happy memory. It happened on a dog walk in one of our favourite beautiful places and we got chips afterwards, so wasn't quite the big production some have but still lovely.

What I really don't understand is the idea that women should just sit passively waiting for the man to decide he wants to marry them and ask, and should have no say or agency in one of the biggest decisions of their life. That marriage is entirely in the man's gift to bestow. And that actually deciding that between you like adults is somehow not romantic or sexy. So many women strung along and kept.waiting (often making themselves financially vulnerable) because 'he said he will but he wants it to be a surprise' or ' I couldn't possibly ask because he's traditional' - not usually so traditional that he won't have sex with/ live with/ have children before marriage though.

Oesro · 13/02/2022 20:44

@AliasGrape yes !!!! This !!!

Gensola · 13/02/2022 20:44

I proposed to my DH - we had both been married before, we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and I thought he deserved a lovely surprise, he’d planned on proposing to me later that summer but I got in first and he was thrilled. why does it always have to be the man who proposes?!

NoWordForFluffy · 13/02/2022 20:45

@SpaceDetective

Yabu, because the following is wrong

1) Nobody in actual real life does this

My parents and several friends decided to get married by mutual agreement, so no proposal at all. My sister proposed to her now husband.

I proposed to DH. Nothing wrong with taking the initiative!
Gensola · 13/02/2022 20:45

@NoWordForFluffy glad to see I’m not alone 😁😁

DiddyHeck · 13/02/2022 20:46

I don't know really. I mean given the vast majority of MNetters who are waiting for a proposal are normally already living with the bloke and have DC with him, the whole 'proposal' thing just seems so ridiculously pointless.

Just about every couple I know in that position have simply decided together to get married. No-one went down on bended knee as far as I know.

HarrietSchulenberg · 13/02/2022 20:46

I proposed to my ex-husband. That's not why he's now ex, and we are still good friends.
I don't get why anyone today would wait about like a wilting wallflower if they wanted to get married.

owlinnahat · 13/02/2022 20:46

I think maybe it varies in different demographics. In my case, we talked about it, what would be nice, how we'd want to do it and were both aware we liked the idea and had agreed. DH did get me a surprise engagement ring though. That feels pretty normal in my social circles. I can't imagine sitting around dropping hints at your OH but not being able to actually say "this is what I want" - it feels weird and manipulative and like a forerunner to a lifetime of poor communication and guessing games but apparently it's very normal for a bunch of people on here. Everyone is different.

NoWordForFluffy · 13/02/2022 20:46

[quote Gensola]@NoWordForFluffy glad to see I’m not alone 😁😁[/quote]
I actually beat my DH to it as well. He was going to do it on holiday in December. I did it in August! 😁

SarahBellam · 13/02/2022 20:47

When you think that, regardless of all the frills and fripperies, marriage is a legal contract and should really be entered into as such, a lot of people would be a lot happier if they did sit round a table and talk through their expectations of the marriage rather than freaking out about party favours or how to cope when cousin Jan freaks out because her cherubs weren’t invited to the adult only reception.