To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

[alfayruz]

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

1. Nobody in actual real life does this

2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

Married by mutual agreement here ✋️ No bended knee. No romantic backdrop. No ring ambush.

Still happily married and sexually attracted to each other 14 years later.

@alfayruz

“Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?”

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

I don’t see why of all the big decision in life which are expected to be discussed and agreed on as a couple marriage is arbitrarily the one where the man has to get down on the proverbial knee. Books and films have warped expectations.

Wasnt that bothered*

My friend proposed to her (now x) DH & a colleague has just proposed to her DP and they are getting married at Easter. It does happen.

Why can’t the couple decide for themselves what suits them without opinions. I know many women who initiated the ‘chat’ and then waited for their man to get down on one knee. How this makes it ‘better’ is beyond me. I don’t care who proposes or whether others marry full stop.

My now DH -‘what would you like for Christmas?’
Me - ‘an engagement ring’
Job done, engagement ring for Christmas, wedding booked the day after Boxing Day for a wedding 8 months later.
Why piss around waiting?

@alfayruz

“Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?”

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

Well that's all very 'Me Tarzan - You Jane' isn't it? But whatever floats your boat won't always float others.

Do you see proposing as a 'manly man' thing?

@alfayruz

is this the 1950s?

Every thread. Every time.

Gee I wonder why....

Get goady thread though - kudos

Yes, the threads where women say ‘we’ve been together x years and he still hasn’t proposed.’ There are quite a few of these. Well, just bring up marriage in a generalised, indirect way eg. ‘Oh look, so and so are getting married...” Gauge his level of interest in this as a prospect in general. If he’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to him! He’s hardly going to change his reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him. He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

How old are you @alfayruz? I'm almost 50 and don't know how unusual my group are but most lived together and had children before getting married. Proposals just weren't a a thing, including me and DH. A couple had very thoughtful, romantic proposal s. One divorced, one not. I wonder if it's an age thing? Or just a social group thing.

@alfayruz

“Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?”

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

Goodness me you can't fancy him that much if that's all it would take

@alfayruz

“Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?”

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

But just because you're relationship is that fragile, doesn't mean everyone's is.

@Trapiche

We just decided to get married while in bed. (22 years ago)

Must've been awkward for the Vicar and the guests 🤣🤣

@alfayruz

Yes, the threads where women say ‘we’ve been together x years and he still hasn’t proposed.’ There are quite a few of these. Well, just bring up marriage in a generalised, indirect way eg. ‘Oh look, so and so are getting married...” Gauge his level of interest in this as a prospect in general. If he’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to him! He’s hardly going to change his reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him. He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

By that rationale a woman can never actively bring up moving in together or having children either. Sounds exhausting.

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

Why though?! The only reasons I can think of are -

1. Because tradition. So a symbolic gesture which frankly doesn't mean anything.

1. You are in a very serious and earnest D/s relationship, and it makes you drier than the Sahara to have to take the lead on anything.

@alfayruz

Yes, the threads where women say ‘we’ve been together x years and he still hasn’t proposed.’ There are quite a few of these. Well, just bring up marriage in a generalised, indirect way eg. ‘Oh look, so and so are getting married...” Gauge his level of interest in this as a prospect in general. If he’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to him! He’s hardly going to change his reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him. He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

Why - seriously, why - would you have to be on eggshells discussing a major life decision and legal contract in a 'generalised, indirect way' to someone who you supposedly are in an equally loving and respectful relationship?

It sounds like teenage games-playing - why not get him to fill out a quiz on his dream date and if he answers 'All Bs' he's marriage material

@alfayruz

Yes, the threads where women say ‘we’ve been together x years and he still hasn’t proposed.’ There are quite a few of these. Well, just bring up marriage in a generalised, indirect way eg. ‘Oh look, so and so are getting married...” Gauge his level of interest in this as a prospect in general. If he’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to him! He’s hardly going to change his reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him. He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

He may only say yes because he feels awkward.

How is that not any different to a woman only saying yes because she feels awkward?

@AbsentmindedWoman

I proposed to my wife.

Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?

What?

I think they're saying that if the male does not display enough shiny peacock feathers then it would be no deal.

@CrimbleCrumble1

My now DH -‘what would you like for Christmas?’ Me - ‘an engagement ring’ Job done, engagement ring for Christmas, wedding booked the day after Boxing Day for a wedding 8 months later. Why piss around waiting?

Love that

@alfayruz

Yes, the threads where women say ‘we’ve been together x years and he still hasn’t proposed.’ There are quite a few of these. Well, just bring up marriage in a generalised, indirect way eg. ‘Oh look, so and so are getting married...” Gauge his level of interest in this as a prospect in general. If he’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to him! He’s hardly going to change his reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him. He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

Why be vague and pathetic though?

For fucks sake, if you're old enough to be married, then you are old enough to be able to say you want to get married.

Are you married?

@DiddyHeck
Must've been awkward for the Vicar and the guests 🤣🤣
The ceremony was conducted in a giant bed with room for vicar and guests. It was sponsored by Sleepeezee

If she’s clearly not interested, the go to response is not to propose to h im er ! SHe’s hardly going to change h is er reluctant, disinterested attitude, just because you asked him er. SHe may only say yes because she feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

OP I agree with you. I personally would have never proposed to my DH. He proposed to me, completely by surprise, and he had a ring bought and picked out himself and it was indeed expensive and flashy and I loooooved it. He also asked my dad permission before he proposed as he knew it would be important my dad as he had also asked my grandad. We were considered young to get engaged and I was worried how both of our families would take the news at our age. 17 years later and I still love my flashy expensive ring that we couldn't afford to look at in the shop at this stage of our lives! Different strokes for different folks. I'm very much a loud mouthy feminist but this one time I was happy to stick to tradition for us

It’s not ‘game playing’ at all. Couples have a certain connection. You know the person you’re with, surely? If you are with a man who never takes the initiative and is never romantic and doesn’t seem to know what you want from him or your expectations of him, then he was probably liked that when you were dating. The ‘red flags’ would have been flying (to use MN- speak). You wouldn’t have been attracted to that type of man in the first place.

He may only say yes because he feels awkward. Then you’ve got to drag the dopey git through life, basically. Who needs that?

Surely by that logic some women may also only say yes because they feel awkward though