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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

691 replies

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:12

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

OP posts:
LuckySnips · 13/02/2022 21:34

@alfayruz

It’s not ‘game playing’ at all. Couples have a certain connection. You know the person you’re with, surely? If you are with a man who never takes the initiative and is never romantic and doesn’t seem to know what you want from him or your expectations of him, then he was probably liked that when you were dating. The ‘red flags’ would have been flying (to use MN- speak). You wouldn’t have been attracted to that type of man in the first place.
You didn't answer why you have to be indirect and vague about making a joint life decision.

Do you genuinely think that every moment a partner doesn't ask you to marry him is because he "never takes the initiative" and is "never romantic" etc? You don't think it should be a joint decision, a direct conversation, about how you spend the rest of your life?

TBH if I had a partner that even assumed he'd be the one to decide if we got married or not, he wouldn't be my partner. If you see what I mean...

AbsentmindedWoman · 13/02/2022 21:34

He also asked my dad permission before he proposed as he knew it would be important my dad as he had also asked my grandad.

Did he really ask their permission as such, or was it more a "I hope you can give us your blessing" kind of thing?

I mean it obviously worked out but what if they really hadn't liked him - would you have broken up with the guy on their say so, eventually?

LuckySnips · 13/02/2022 21:36

I can't imagine the conversation you're saying would need to take place.
"What do you want in life? How do you see your future?"
"ohhh... teeheehee! Maybe something shiny and sparkly, oooh, can't say too much, teeheehee! I'd sure love a man to sweep me off my feet though!"

Fruitflylady · 13/02/2022 21:42

Are you living in a Jane Austen novel? Why so passive?

I proposed to my now-DH, and we’re soon to celebrate our 17th anniversary. I really, really don’t understand why you think it’s a big deal who proposes to who, and why you think a man you propose to isn’t capable of making decisions and being romantic?

IrishMama2015 · 13/02/2022 21:43

@AbsentmindedWoman

He also asked my dad permission before he proposed as he knew it would be important my dad as he had also asked my grandad.

Did he really ask their permission as such, or was it more a "I hope you can give us your blessing" kind of thing?

I mean it obviously worked out but what if they really hadn't liked him - would you have broken up with the guy on their say so, eventually?

More of a heads up he was going to ask as he knew my dad would be chuffed and my dad said oh right lovely should I tell her mother or what 😂
NamelessBaby1 · 13/02/2022 21:44

@Hotcuppatea

Married by mutual agreement here ✋️ No bended knee. No romantic backdrop. No ring ambush.

Still happily married and sexually attracted to each other 14 years later.

Exactly the same here, I would have been mortified with a "proposal"; we just agreed to get married and went and bought a ring together then just told people, no big fuss at all and no waiting on one person to arrange something. We'll be married 14 years in March, and expecting our first child, so no complaints here.
notagainnotagain · 13/02/2022 21:45

In real life here there was no proposal, no engagement and no guests at the wedding.

We have been very happily married for a very long time.

Gynaesaur · 13/02/2022 21:46

There are times I'm very glad to be a lesbian.

That said, of all my friends who've gotten married (quite a lot in the few years before covid and a few planned for later this year) I think there have definitely been more cases of the woman bringing it up than the man. But I don't think there have been many instances of a down-on-one-knee, flashy, gushing proposal anyway.

DrSbaitso · 13/02/2022 21:47

Women are always slated on here for wanting a proposal and accused of being satisfied with nothing but a huge showy production of one "for Instagram", even though they nearly always say they don't care about that, they just want him to ask.

I think a man who wants to marry you WILL ask, sp I'm not in the "just ask him" camp. Yes, I know there are exceptions, but generally, men will pursue a commitment if they want it. I don't blame anyone for wanting him to ask, as it feels like proof that he's really all in and wants to marry you. I'd also be turned off if I had to ask. Rightly or wrongly, it's how I feel.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/02/2022 21:49

@alfayruz

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

  1. I did

  2. Umm, still fancied him like mad (even though he turned me down the first time so I had to ask him a second time). I don't understand this tbh, if I didn't fancy him I would have been going out with him. I think you're talking about just you and not other people.

  3. Whoever this guy is, I wouldn't ask him to marry me. The man that I did ask to marry me is still doing fine after 30 years of marriage.

WTF475878237NC · 13/02/2022 21:52

"So and so just got engaged (hint hint)" seems pathetic to me. I never had to mention it at all and my husband proposed of his own accord after three years together. Nothing wrong with having a conversation and deciding together to get married, nor is there anything wrong in a spontaneous proposal. This weird half way house though sounds so immature. If you want to get married and he hasn't asked, asking him is the obvious thing to me.

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 21:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Bizawit · 13/02/2022 21:57

@alfayruz

“Why does the man have to do it in hetero couples? Are you really saying it would kill your attraction to him if you proposed to him?”

Yes it would 100% have killed my attraction for my husband if I’d had to propose to him.

Gross. You sound shallow. YABU.
OllyBJolly · 13/02/2022 21:59

I’m with you @Oesro!

Married twice, both times we just agreed to get married. I hate the idea of being proposed to. Always have- it was never “my dream”. Really feels rather pathetic for an adult woman to wait around for the big proposal - we* are way past that type of subservience now.

*women

cuno · 13/02/2022 22:03

Marriage is a mutual decision made by grown adults, so if a woman wants to get married I'd expect her to treat it that way rather than sulking, dropping hints and waiting around for him to surprise her with a proposal.

FluffyPersian · 13/02/2022 22:07

I never wanted to be proposed to.... I wanted to propose.

Thankfully it wasn't a turn off that my Husband was absolutely fine with it - if he had pulled the whole 'But it's not traditional' BS, he wouldn't be the man for me.

I asked his Mother for her blessing..... I bought an engagement ring and I got down on one knee..... He was totally cool with it and so was I Grin

He had the engagement ring... not me. I walked myself up the isle and neither of us have changed our titles or surnames - Bloody awesome.

Thewindwhispers · 13/02/2022 22:10

Yanbu. I think it’s a bit silly where the couple have discussed marriage and agree they want to marry but both are waiting for the man to do some elaborate proposal ceremony. That imo is ott and weird.

But, I (and most people) live in a culture where it’s traditional that the man propose. So when you’re in love, and have been living together for a couple of years, and you’ve discussed wanting to start a family soon, yet the man says nothing about marriage, and the months pass and it gets awkward… In that situation it is not at all romantic for the woman to ‘propose’. By choosing not to, and missing his cue, the man has already made a kind of statement. If he wanted to be married, he’d have asked.

It’s like saying “if someone doesn’t invite you to go with them, just go alone and see them there!” It isn’t the same…

CatherinedeBourgh · 13/02/2022 22:10

We just talked about it. When we both agreed that yes, we would get married, he said kwell when, shall we set a date?’, we discussed our diaries for a bit and agreed.

I guess he could then have gone out and bought an engagement ring and proposed, but I didn’t want aring and it would have felt a bit silly.

gingerhills · 13/02/2022 22:11

I was planning on proposing to DH. After a few months it was clear he was the one. The following year was leap year and I thought, feck it, I'll propose on 29th Feb. But he beat me to it by several months.

hugr · 13/02/2022 22:14

I think it's more that a poster will complain that they are waiting. If you want to be proposed to, sadly you have to wait. If you want to get married, ask your partner.

DelurkingAJ · 13/02/2022 22:15

This is up there with ‘you can’t have sex with a man until the 14th date’ type rule. Bonkers in my view…and DH did propose but only after we’d had a conversation where I’d said ‘if this isn’t going end in marriage fairly soon I’m out’ or words to that effect. He said afterwards that he’d just assumed we’d get married sometime and simply hadn’t done the maths I had about the time from proposal to wedding (much overseas family who would want to be there) to children and therefore the possible need to get a wiggle on!

All this shows is that we’re all different. I once dated a chap who bought me flowers when we’d been going out for a month for our ‘anniversary’. I was utterly nonplussed, he thought I’d be furious if he hadn’t. I’m clearly not a romantic.

CaptainCallisto · 13/02/2022 22:18

DH and had discussed it in general terms, and knew it was something we both wanted. He had planned to propose on our holiday, but I somewhat scuppered his plans. He was so obviously nervous and hiding something the night before we went away that I thought he was planning to break up with me. I was stressed, tired, and hormonal and got really upset; he was stressed, tired, and completely confused. Our proposal kind of went: "For fuck's sake, woman, I've bought a ring!" "Oh" "Now can we get some sleep?" "Yes, sorry".

I'm actually really glad it happened that way - it felt really natural and like he really just wanted to be with me. There was nothing performative about it. For some people the big proposal would be exactly what they wanted, but having already established that we wanted to get married, it would have felt a bit fake. DH always says he's glad he didn't have to do it!

BobMortimersTrout · 13/02/2022 22:18

@alfayruz

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

🤣 I proposed to my husband. Why on Earth would it be a turn off?!?
lightisnotwhite · 13/02/2022 22:26

@Ifailed

is this the 1950s?
No but men haven’t changed that much. They will quite happily live with you, have sex with you and have kids with you. Often without the “grown up discussion”. Often just wine. Committing to something that gives you more should you split up is less readily given. Certainly less than any of those other scenarios.
ChocolateButtonsOfShame · 13/02/2022 22:29

Gosh. I proposed to mine. I asked because I love him and he's a brilliant partner. I don't doubt his commitment just because I was the one to propose. We're getting married in a couple of months. He's going to take my name. Our son already has my name, so we'll all be the same 🙂

My brother is also marrying this year, his fiancé proposed too.

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