DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

[Adharvan]

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

Sorry if this sounds over-dramatic but when I read your first few posts, I thought, this man is crazy doing a week of night shifts, sleep deprived, then does an explosive sport such as rugby, which puts significant strain on his heart. Stress upon stress upon stress.

He could be setting himself up for serious health issues as he moves into his 40s if he carries on like that, and even a shorter life. Watch while he substitutes rugby for long distance running or cycling....that's what men do, and they never ever listen to reason or worry about their health. It is definitely not healthy playing rugby on no sleep, once a week, he won't be that fit. He's also probably rushing onto the pitch dehydrated as well as sleep deprived.

He sounds stubborn and selfish. I know the ship has sail re your decision to have 3 DC but actually there's a grain of truth in that, he also made that decision (and even went back on his promise to stop playing rugby). He is leaving the heavy lifting with childcare 99.9% to you.

Oh, and as for doing a week of night shifts, he doesn't need to keep doing that, he could move into a different field to prioritise his family. Yet another thing he won't compromise on.

Not exactly a rosy picture OP....

And as for you buckling and trying to persuade him to find a different club so he could play in the week, why do that? You're just pandering to him and feeling guilt needlessly when he's the one who should be feeling guilty but he just swans off and leaves your mum to support you. What kind of man is that?

TBH I think YANBU at all! With a young baby and DC you have a lot on your plate . The point is he is married to you .They are not just your DC half his! So why isnt he doing his half? I think yes he enjoys Rugby but should have more thought for his family ,its not acceptable to leave you on your own coping with everything while he swans off!

He’s not off out on the piss, does his fair share the rest of the time, and he’s doing exercise which will be good for his mental health.

So not going out on the piss is the new low bar being set?
Does his fair share? What a joke. He could well be choosing night shifts to opt out if any childcare responsibilities- comes home, sleep, eats and back again to work. While to OP is looking after 3DC all on her own?

What about the OPs Mental Health - it's always about what's right for men, poor lamb. I'd love to know when he cared about his wife's MH...

Do you get a full day off from the kids and the house on a different day of the week? If not then pick your day… or it’s a hard no from me, at least until the kids are older.

@Adharvan

Night shift is problematic yes but he's unable to change, his job role is solely nights. Days aren't an option.

Is that really true though?

What if he found a different job?

Honestly, something has to give. This obviously isn't sustainable and he can't leave you alone with three kids a whole day a week just so that he can play rugby.

I'd be saying he either changes his job or stops playing rugby. It's selfish and unfair on you.

@daisychain01

I was once told that I should be grateful my partner might be a drinker, but at least they weren't hitting me.
I left them. Fuck that. My bar of self respect is higher than that.

Family, home, kids are a 24/7 job. If 2 people are employed to do it, 1 person shouldn't be pissing off on breaks whilst there's work to do... You wouldn't put up with it in paid employment, so why tolerate it at home and just end up stressed and resentful?

Equal work time, equal rest time, equal pleasure time. < That should be the basic start point for all partnerships.

I have suggested he finds a team that plays of a weekday afternoon if thats even a thing, but he doesn't want to leave the team hes with

Right... so it's not even like he's looked into any alternatives?

Bloody hell OP. Stand up for yourself and don't take this utter nonsense.

@MaryAndHerNet - all power to you!

He could be setting himself up for serious health issues as he moves into his 40s if he carries on like that, and even a shorter life. Watch while he substitutes rugby for long distance running or cycling....that's what men do, and they never ever listen to reason or worry about their health. It is definitely not healthy playing rugby on no sleep, once a week, he won't be that fit. He's also probably rushing onto the pitch dehydrated as well as sleep deprived

This is mad, playing sport is a healthy way of unwinding. It is no different to Tuesday night football for someone who works days. I would be far more worried about the health of someone who did no exercise than someone doing 80 minutes of cardio.

The problem is that he's stealing all the free time so you don't get any.

What's your financial situation? He should be doing half of Saturday and half of Sunday to give you a break. If you can afford it, I would tell him that either he does it himself or books a babysitter. Or you'll be walking out on Saturday as soon as he'll up and coming back after bedtime.

You have as much right to hobbies, friends and free time as he does . There isn't something about being female that means you have to sacrifice this right.

I'm not getting any quality time for myself on Saturday no, because he works Friday night so sleeps much of Saturday in preparation for work again

Basically his job is causing him to check out on family life.

Is he OK with this?

It sounds like you certainly aren't.

There's a huge amount of inequality in your relationship because of it.

Now that he has a family he needs to get a job with daytime working hours, particularly if he wants leisure time on top of his family. This isn't practical and everything will continue to fall on you unless you tell him it needs to change.

Night shifts simply aren't all that suitable for people with young families. He needs to re-evaluate his career.

This situation sounds absolutely shit, OP. I'm surprised you've lasted this long. Time and time again I see examples of men having been socialised into putting themselves first, and never once stopping to ask themselves if their partner is getting any opportunity to do the same. Other posters are right - your relationship is ridiculously unequal, and clearly he's unmotivated to do anything about it because it's all working in his favour. You need to stand up for yourself.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

If I’ve understood your posts correctly the kids must hardly ever see him. Which isn’t fair on you, but it also isn’t fair on them. He could spend some time with them on Sunday afternoon/evening but opts to play rugby in the morning instead - if he gets up at 8pm on Sunday I assume that means they don’t get any time with him on a Sunday at all? When does he spend time with them?

Did he know you were feeling unwell? Because if he did he's massively selfish. I'll go against the grain though because I can see both sides. I think if you have a demanding job or you're a SAHP, each partner should be accommodating of the other having some down time. He should be taking over child care for a morning or afternoon so you can take a morning or afternoon to yourself.

I also guarantee that if OP had posted ‘my DH has two chronic health conditions and we have three young children, one a four month old baby and one with SN - I want to leave him and the children all day every Sunday so I can do my hobby but he’s saying it’s too much’ then the responses would have been quite different.

This is one hell of an over reaction IMO.

Ridiculously posts about his choice of exercise. This is why there is so much obesity and mental health problems in this country. Exercise should be made a priority!

I don’t see anything different in this than him going to the gym once or twice a week after work.

The OP can surely get some time to herself if she wants. Although if you’re going to argue about who gets the most free time the relationship is doomed anyway. I’ve seen it too many times with friends before.

It’s a relationship, not a competition.

When he comes in from night shift during the week at 9, it needs to be that either he takes the kids for two hours while you have a shower and a walk by yourself/coffee with a friend, OR he goes straight to bed at 9 and is up by 4, at which point he must take the kids while you get a break. And yeah, the rugby is too much. You’ve got about 3 hours per day when your household is at home and awake at the same time and he’s squandering 7 hours of that on rugby. YY to the poster who pointed out that he’s not giving up sleep, just postponing it - he’s still getting 8 hours, meaning that you’re doing a n 18-hour shift on your own on Sundays (6am to 10pm) with no respite at all and then back to the usual grind the next day.

I think it's nights shift more than anything and let face it, it's a job and brings money in. My DP works 12 hour shifts and when he's working is barely involved in family things. That's 2 whole weekends a month so with my Monday to Friday FT working I get no days off for weeks 🤷🏼‍♀️

Couldn’t just read and leave without commenting. Working nights with a family is hard going, we well done. I don’t think people know how hard it is unless they’ve experienced it, it completely messes with everything and it’s hard to settle into a good routine.

I can see your situation both ways, my DH had a Sunday snooker hobby, then pub after, back home for 2 hours sleep then we would go to family for tea every Sunday.

I agree about the alone time bath, a quick 2 minute shower has never done it for me.

Dh used to do alternate weekends. It’s about compromise when dc are small.

Maybe he can finish this season and then give up. Seems like a fair compromise.

A different job would be even better.

Meanwhile, arrange some childcare and learn to drive. Try to build up a small friendship group.

It’s only one day a week, it’s a healthy activity, and it’s his passion. I think YABU.

It is presumably not all year round either?

I think it'd be OK if you also got time to yourself/off kid duty. But I suspect you don't –or not as much as him, anyway.
I don't like the sound of He begrudgingly stopped playing when I was pregnant with the baby as I was on crutches with PGP and it just wasn't practical to have me doing everything on my own in that state. There were a couple of disagreements about it.
Why be so 'begrudging' and what is there to disagree about? You're a team, you were less able; obviously he steps up, and without moaning about it.

I agree that (if you can afford it) he – not you, he – could think about a babysitter.

I’m sorry but he is shit.
I had hesitation reading your OP but the context in which this happens is utterly wrong.
I could understand the Sunday because in effect he would be sleeping a big part if the day anyway. Plus it’s fair he has a bit if time for his hobby (maybe not in the day when his DW is struggling with end etc… but yiswim)
But then he is now sleeping all Monday because he didn’t get to sleep at all last night and then he will sleep in Tuesday too in preparation for his night shift.
And you are the one thinking you can’t have a break on the saturday because otherwise you never see each other?!?

Working shits is hard for many reason but the reason it hard for you just now is because he is selfish and inconsiderate. He doesn’t care about you or your well-being, not even about his own dcs (and actually spending time with them together as a family). Him and his interests are coming first and foremost. You are way way back on his list.

Unfortunately for him, if he wants to play rugby, he’ll have to find a new job where is working days. Or at the very least, one where he is not working weekends.

And you need to start taking time for yourself, like the whole afternoon + early evening on a Saturday. Both because you need that time off and because your DH needs to get an inkling about how hard it can be to juggle 3 dcs p, one of which is autistic and the other a baby.
Because just now he has no clue about how hard it is for you.