DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

[Adharvan]

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

I originally said YABU.

My DH has always played various sports. Since having kids he takes up whatever sport they’re into. Currently it’s soccer, so he coaches DS’s team on a weeknight, trains with his team on a different weeknight, coaches DS’s match on Saturday morning then nips off to his own match. I always go along to watch both of them. That’s what we’ve always done no matter what sport, so that we still spend the day all together.

However, he works a regular 7-4:30pm M-F job, so still has plenty of family time in the evenings plus the weekend.

Therefore I’m changing to YANBU, if he worked ‘regular’ hours it would be different but coupled with nightshift it really doesn’t seem to be working.

It is a tough situation, he should be able to do a hobby he loves but you should also have the help that you need plus time together as a family.

I’m not in the UK, but here we have social touch football, oz-tag and indoor soccer that are a once a weeknight social match. Is there any similar sports groups near you? It’s not rugby, but still a run around with your mates, could be a compromise?

It's not fair that you get so little time to yourself. Taking up a hobby without discussing it with the mother of your small children and four month old baby is not on.

Working nights is not a long term solution to the problem of paying the mortgage and bringing home the bacon. I have seen it destroy relationships. Too often one partner ends up shouldering far more than their fair share of the childcare and the mental work involved in running the home, while the night shift worker can end up becoming socially isolated and even depressed, as well as physically unwell.

What steps is he taking to find work that is compatible with family life? An OU degree? A training course for another line of work? Sending out CVs?

If I were you I would ask your DM to take the children for about two hours one day soon and sit H down for a long and serious chat about family life with the working title: What's Wrong With This Picture?

I would like to suggest you find a way to get driving lessons. Do it while you're on mat leave. Make it a priority.

You don't know how long you have before your bone headed H gets a serious injury and you will have to be the family driver. Even if he doesn't get injured, driving would greatly cut down the amount of time he is spending away from the family.

Please consider carving out this time for learning a very important life skill that might greatly enhance your quality of life.

He'll point out that he hasn't played rugby for months

And you will respond that you haven't played rugby for months either.

Or gone to the hairdresser.

Or gone to see a film.

Or had your nails done.

Or gone for a nice relaxing walk by yourself.

Or gone to the loo by yourself.

Or slept a full night for more than two nights in a row.

YANBU.

Yea, hobbies are important. Yes, everyone should be able to have a hobby for personal and mental health. However, just bc you want to do a hobby does not mean the world stops turning and your family should get pushed aside. He can have a hobby but it doesn't need to be this hobby, or at least on Sundays. Not alongside his current job. It's completely unfair on you. He needs a different hobby or a different job.

I asked my husband to give up rugby on a weekend because we never saw each other. He works different shifts so it meant every weekend he was either working or playing rugby. He agreed and pursues other interests on his days off M-F while I'm working. This started before we had kids. No way I'd be happy with him buggering off on the weekend leaving me with them.

I have my two solo on Sundays from 8-1 (DH has church commitments) and it's exhausting. No way could I do all day Sunday on my own every weekend. YANBU

YABU
If he works nights I’m guessing he’s probably around a little during the week days to help.
There will be limited time (age wise) he can play rugby and he’s obviously not staying on and drinking after the match.

My DH was out of the house 11hrs a day Mon-Fri and I coped on my own.

I suppose for me OP my question is how many nights does he work? If it were 5 so a full working week then on his other day off does he help?

If less then 5 does he help those days too and could give you say 3 hours to go even food shopping without DC?

I'm a single mum with a ex who wants nothing to do with DC. But he used to work 5 days and would play football one night a week and I'd have to do every thing. But it was the agreement that when DD was older I'd have the same time alone even just for a bath to myself

I don’t understand why he is in bed ‘most of Saturday’ in preparation for Sat night. Does he work Fri nights? If so fair enough. If not, no need to be in bed most of Sat. An hour or two before shift maybe. (Worked 3 nights a week for several years)

@ReadySteadyTwins

But the time he's at rugby he's giving up his sleep for, so either way, he wouldn't be doing childcare? Unless he just doesn't sleep??

But if he is coming home from Rugby at 2pm instead of getting up then and then going to sleep till 8pm and still being tired he isn’t giving up sleep he is just delaying it.

When does he let you have a day off and he takes care of the children without. Any input from you.

Is he going from work to rugby then home? Or is he going from work, to rugby to a 'few beers'?

If it's the latter then he can give up the drinks and come home.

I think he needs to factor his family in and be reasonable OK he's worked and then played and needs some sleep but he can set an alarm clock to do baths and bedtime before heading out to work again.

If you have some spare cash I'd consider getting a baby sitter for Sundays, a teenager on a child care course would jump at having a part time job with children.

You could then have a bath and maybe a nap in peace.

He goes from work to rugby and then home again. But he is going by bus because he thinks he's too sleep deprived to drive. This takes up a huge amount of time.

No one NO ONE has a right to a hobby.

He has

• agreed to have children
• agreed to love and support you

And so, where’s the equal leisure time?

Presumably he works nights so you can afford to have 3 children / for you to be on maternity leave..... working nights is crap so YABU

He's taking the piss and using the bullshit excuse of,
"But I've been at work....."

Yeah, fuck off.
Work, sleep, parenting, house cleaning, food prep, food buying, house maintenance, car maintenance, family time...

Then way down here is Hobby time.

Any one putting hobby time ahead of what needs doing and leaving what needs doing to some one else is taking the piss.

@MaryAndHerNet

Except he isn't is he? OP said other than one afternoon at rugby per week he helps out as much as he can what with him working on nights the rest of the time? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The problem isn't whether he's entitled to 5 hours of hobby/sport time. It's that you have no friends and no outside interests. This is not okay.

His time playing sport is not unreasonable, but at the moment it is utterly unfair as you have no equivalent time off. And more worrying, nothing to do with it if you had it.

So, you need to sort that out. What do you want to do? A sport? A class? Learn a language? Learn to scuba dive? Learn to drive? The gym? Swimming? Find a social hobby and you'll make friends, too!

Adult male rugby doesn't take place on Sundays.

He shouldn't be going, you need him. It's unfair on you. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you went and did a hobby for 5 hours and left him with the kids. He needs to give it up until the kids are more self sufficient.

[quote bonetiredwithtwins]@MaryAndHerNet

Except he isn't is he? OP said other than one afternoon at rugby per week he helps out as much as he can what with him working on nights the rest of the time? 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Except he is.

Hobbies are for free time use... Simple as that.
If the washing needs doing, time isn't free.
If shopping needs doing, time isn't free.
If the sink needs cleaning, time isn't free.
If a child needs feeding, time isn't free.
So on and so on.

And why is he getting buses like a twat? Theres more than one person on a team, why can't he get a lift? Getting a bus, sitting nice a quiet.on a bus for an hour, playing a game, sitting on a nice quiet bus for an hour. Having a nice relaxing Sunday... Whilst his partner juggles everything at home..
Nah.. taking the piss.

YAdefintelyNU

No, I’m sorry, but when you have kids then they come first for a very very long time. Once a month got the rugby is more than sufficient. He’s been a selfish twat. Very narrow minded of him.

I think he's totally out of order op. You have three children , one with additional needs and one that is under 6 months old. He needs to be around more. It's as simple as that.

He has made no compromises to accommodate family life at all. He works in a job that is impractical and still has his hobby time too , he went out today knowing that you are sick and haven't showered in 2 days.

Who gives a fuck if this job is all he knows? He needs to find a day job. There are plenty of women that take a job with practical hours so that they can be there for their kids and partner. What makes him so special that he shouldn't have to?

And I bet the real reason he doesn't drive to rugby is so that he can drink alcohol after a game.

This isn't sustainable for you op. If you left him he'd be forced to get his act together and make changes. Perhaps he should think about that while he's running you into the ground.

He can stick his heart shaped chocolates where the sun doesn't shine , as they do nothing to make up for his selfish attitude.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Presumably he works nights so you can afford to have 3 children / for you to be on maternity leave..... working nights is crap so YABU

They are his children too. He works nights so HE can afford to have three children. And the op has not said her working hours/pay (as far as I can see) so for all you know she is the higher earner.

How old are the 2 oldest ones? Could he take them with him and they can play/kick the ball around whilst he is there? Sure there will other kids there.

I’m afraid I also think you’re being unreasonable op but I understand it’s hard. Playing rugby after a night shift must be incredibly hard and the night shift is the route cause of all the problems here.

If he’s choosing to play after a night shift, when he’s so tired he can’t even drive, it shows jist how important this is to him. So yes you can force him to stop, he will resent you, but you resent him right now, so it’s who do you prefer to have that resentment.

He’s not off out on the piss, does his fair share the rest of the time, and he’s doing exercise which will be good for his mental health.

So for me, as hard as it is, I’d let this continue.