DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

[Adharvan]

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

@Sugartitsorahilly

If he's earning 100% of the wage and also doing his fair share at home, then I think he should be allowed a hobby if he wants it.

OP is on ML. To assess whether there is an equitable split of family and home responsibilities, the OP's updates are helpful.

Likewise, the updates are informative about just what is involved in supporting a few hours of the hobby in the context of their lives.

Op is earning mat pay so no he is not earning 100% of the wages.

I actually feel for the both of you. Your DH is working night shifts which is not healthy on the body, it raises the risk of health issues i.e. type 2 diabetes etc. And then there's you having to look after the kids during the day and no doubt the evening feeds too. I'm just surprised your DH has the energy to play a demanding sport like rugby after a night shift.

This is a hard one. He works weekend nights which is not really compatible with family life but you say day jobs are not available. So he has to go to work. If at all possible you should be both getting some free time and some time all as a family.

Night shifts are literally a killer. He is at higher risk of early death. blogs.cdc.gov/niosh-science-blog/2021/04/27/nightshift-cancer/ Anything he can do to mitigate the risk such as physical exercise or being outside in the daylight is a positive for his health. His “free time” is rugby on Sunday mornings - that’s when most games are played so it unlikely he can find it at a different time.

But on the other hand you need help because you are essentially like an army wife or similar - he might as well be away for most of the week because he’s away at night and asleep on the days.

You need some time to yourself.

Does he stay on a nocturnal schedule on Sunday and Monday or does he get up Monday am?

If he stays nocturnal then I would be handing him responsibility for the kids Sunday or Monday from around 6pm-9-am and going to have some time for yourself such a yoga/craft class and then getting a full night sleep while he does the wakings with the 4mth old (assuming baby takes a bottle) and the other night is family time.

If he switches to daylight waking for Monday then Monday morning including the early wake up is his kid time and your time off. And then Monday afternoon and evening can be family time.

If he won’t agree to something along those lines to ensure you have time off and family time then YANBU

I'd be annoyed too, OP.

If he has a Monday evening off then presumably he's around and awake during the day on a Monday? If so I'd just up and go out every Monday and leave him to do everything, then when you get home go and lay in bed for the afternoon and evening.

Why are you up at 6 am tomorrow when it’s his day off?

Because he'll be staying up doing the night feeds tonight, the last of which is usually 5am, and then he'll be going to sleep again so he's up and about for a good chunk of the day tomorrow.

To the PP who asked if Monday is the only time we really spend together, yes that's right.

If he's earning 100% of the wage and also doing his fair share at home, then I think he should be allowed a hobby if he wants it.

He's not the sole provider, I'm on mat leave but still contributing equally.

I think YABU.
I think it is really, really important for BOTH parents to ring fence a bit of time to themselves to relax and enjoy themselves.
You originally said when he gets in from a night shift, he would be up by mid afternoon, so my thinking it that is a great time to have another pair of hands round the house, when small dc tend to get tired but you don't want them napping, and one of you is preparing dinner, etc. You have added that he tends to stay awake for much of the morning instead of going off to sleep when he gets in so that does limit a bit the time you might do something, but you still have the days he doesn't work - there must be something in those 60 hours that you could go and enjoy? It doesn't have to be a sport, it could be anything where you just get 2 or 3 hours when you are Adharvan and not Mum.
Working permanent nights x 5 days a week is hard, but that is the position you are both in. I think enjoying a match one morning a week is a good thing, and that you need to find something you enjoy to do too.

Hmm I think you are being completely unfair on him I don't know a single Ruby clue union or league that does weekday matches only, it is also a seasonal sport since he with be union its only a couple of months left this year

As I understand it he’s asleep for most of Saturday and then either playing rugby or asleep on Sunday. No YANBU, with a 4 month old that would have been a deal breaker for me. Valentine’s Day or no I think he either needs to give up the rugby or find a different job- and I know that sounds glib but he needs to shoulder a decent amount of the childcare at the weekends ON HIS OWN!

You contribute equally financially, yet appear to do 95% of childcare and housework.

Unbelievable OP.

He's never there and you have 3 children.

You must be absolutely shattered with tjis workload.

I would think him re looking at his job should be a priority unless he is actively avoiding family life, which sounds a possibility.

He's awake, hurrah, so it's shower and bed for time for me.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I've read each one and appreciate your POV's. I hope I've answered all of the questions asked but I'll check back tomorrow.

It’s really important to have time to exercise and relax whilst you have young children but loads of parents with very young children give up their team sports for a while as the travelling, game length and after match teas/drinks etc just massively eat into family time. I played a lot of team sport pre kids and most who carried on with young kids did every other weekend. I’ll only return to it once my kids are doing their own teams sports at weekends. For now there’s other hobbies and activities to keep fit and happy that don’t wipe out a whole day at the weekends.

He spends seven hours on a hobby at the weekend (9am to 2.30 pm or so) when you have a 4 month old baby and two other children. He then sleeps Saturday rather than say getting up at 3 pm in a fit state to help with the children. No, I don't think this is fair.

There is also the safety aspect of the sport. My husband and I both participated in a fairly dangerous sport when our children were small. We decided to stop because even if somebody only broke their leg it would have been very difficult for the other to cope with the children and work full-time. There was the potential for worse accidents than that and we decided it was not worth the risk in the end. I did go back to the sport when the children were older and took a fairly conservative approach about what I would and wouldn't do though. Rugby can be a very dangerous sport as well. I would never allow my children to play it and I come from a country where rugby is a very big deal.

Well having read all your posts I think he sounds like a twat gavel

He's getting older, playing a dangerous sport, doing it when tired and also taking an age to get home because he doesn't feel safe driving. If he doesn't feel safe driving, then I'd say he's not safe doing a dangerous sport. The poster above is right for you to consider how an injury would affect you all, especially if he's had a few already.

I get that it's shit to work shifts and not see anyone. It must make socialising really hard. But he has 3 children, one with SN and now also a newborn. Life with kids isn't always great, it can be relentless and you simply don't get to do what you want. That's the deal when you have kids. You don't just shove them on your partner and go back to how things were pre-kids.

@FrankGrillosFloof

For the love of god, THANK YOU for being transparent about what the hobby is.

This

Permanent nightshifts! Absolute hell on earth and will eventually wreck physical and mental health. I would be trying to see if he can do a job working days, At least the rugby is getting him outside in the daylight doing something he loves. It's only once a week. Could you afford a mother's help on a Sunday? I used to do this every Sunday for a large family (4 kids) when the mother went off to play tennis. meanwhile he needs to be taking Vit D & K2 or he will suffer vit D deficiency but I am sure you are fully aware of the dangers of that.

Does he have time off during the week?

When's your break?

"Boombastic22
I’m struggling a bit here. Your husband works nights (presumably no option to switch jobs to a more regular pattern) and you’ve one child with autism and decided to have a third. I’d not really be begrudging him his rugby. To be honest with that work pattern Id fully be accepting I’m effectively a lone parent for much of the week."

"Sorry what?

What has my child's autism got to do with anything?

Should people with an autistic child not have subsequent children?"

This doesn't help you now OP but in the gentlest possible way, yes, lots of parents with autistic DC realise that it's not going to be feasible to have another child, no matter how much they might want one. If your autistic DC can't switch his bath night then he obviously has reasonably increased needs. In those circumstances a lot of parents may have considered that having another baby wasn't the best idea - especially as your DH is absent from the house for a fair chunk of the week.

And I say this as a mum to autistic twins - I won't bore you with my story but for various reasons, having another child was really important to me. But slowly I just had to accept that given the needs of my DS in particular, it just wouldn't be fair to have another child as I wouldn't have sufficient time to support my DC, and a new baby.

I'm not saying you were right or wrong to have a third child, only you know the answer to that. But you seemed quite incredulous that parents with an autistic child might not go on to have another baby due to the needs of the autistic child. Unfortunately, it's very common - lots of families I know put brakes on their plans for more children because an autistic child really does change everything.

But moving on, your DH doesn't work Sunday or Monday nights so presumably you have a bit of time Sunday evening as you say he's usually up by 8pm (appreciate that didn't happen tonight). Then I'm guessing you have all of Monday daytime, Monday evening and then Tuesday daytime too? So it seems you're still getting a "weekend" of time with him, but it just isn't on the actual weekend.

I guess the concern is, when are you due to go back to work? How is that going to work then? Because if you're working Mon-Fri you won't see him barely at all based on the above. Will he be looking after the DC alone at home on the days you work, or at least for the Mon and Tues?

1. He needs to get a day-shift job. As he gets older it's going to be harder and harder on him. It's also, frankly, something he should have given up before you decided to have a third child.

1. I think you might feel happier overall if you could be more independent. This means learning how to drive, building up your friendship group, and finding a babysitter who can at least watch your eldest two to give you more flexibility.

1. I don't think you should begrudge him his hobby. But I also think he needs to find 6 hours a week where he watches all three children and you have time to yourself. It's unacceptable that he doesn't take all three for more than a half-hour.

Can he do the bulk of the childcare Saturday to balance things? It’s quite healthy for him to exercise/socialise/have his own interests. It’s once a week.

Scrap that. I think he needs to change jobs and continue Gus rugby and do more childcare

SpidersAreShitheads - No. Just because you didn't have another child doesn't mean other people who do are wrong, stop "gently" implying that the op shouldn't have had her baby.
Op you're husband needs to change jobs.

@tillytown

Lots of people don't have another child because one of their children is autistic. My comment was pointing out that it's not an unreasonable comment to make. The OP seemed to suggest it was an outrageous comment - and it's not.

And yes, I was trying to be gentle because I'm not trying to be a twat. There's nothing wrong in trying to make that clear. I wasn't trying to beat OP with it, she's got her baby and that's lovely. But suggesting that families often - and yes, often - don't have another child because of a diagnosis of autism is entirely valid.

Also, if you go back and read what I said I implicitly stated that I wasn't saying that she was wrong to have another child. I quite literally said that none of us have the answer to that - I don't know her child, I don't know her child's needs and I don't know anything else about OP. It would be impossible for me to say if it was a good decision or not. I haven't got a clue. My point - and my sole point - was that yes, autism unfortunately does change the plans for having more children for lots of families. Shit, but true.

Just because you haven't experienced that doesn't make it less true.

Does he play or coach? Only asking as I don’t know of any men’s teams that play on a Sunday (except for Premiership teams), the only rugby (Union) on a Sunday where we are is junior rugby and women’s, the men all play on a Saturday - I don’t know if it’s the same for League though.